A reality-based look at the vapid lives of several New Jersey 20-somethings and their respective friends and/or hook-ups.A reality-based look at the vapid lives of several New Jersey 20-somethings and their respective friends and/or hook-ups.A reality-based look at the vapid lives of several New Jersey 20-somethings and their respective friends and/or hook-ups.
When Snooki complains to her father about her boyfriend, he shouts: "Remember, it's all his fault!". Snooki's parents need to win some kind of Parent-of-the-Year award, because the way they reared their little duckling should make any other parent red with envy. So all you people out there, bring up your child so that it knows that it is ALWAYS right, no matter what it says/does/breaks. Never punish, admonish or correct; just let the little chipmunk run amok, and you can't go wrong. Total freedom as the wrong way to push your child in the proper direction? Wrong. Who wouldn't want to have a daughter with as little inhibition as a wild animal, while taking such pride in dressing up like a wasted middle-aged hooker? Rear your child as Snooki's parents have done, and it need not ever use a public toilet again: we underestimate the uses of street pavement.
To be fair, there is the issue of genetics, too; Snooki was adopted. And yet this should by no means serve as a deterrent to future adopters. Traveling to a remote mountain-region in Chile where someone you'd never even met before hands you the child of an unknown set of parents - now that's true idealism for you. They didn't even care when told that she is the offspring of a pair of exiled village idiots. They took the tiny Indian girl with open arms and treated her like an exotic souvenir monkey for the next 25 years, indulging her every whim.
JS consists of 4 guys who want to be black, and 4 women who want to be prostitutes. I don't mean "black" just because they are so obsessed with tanning, I'm referring also to the incessant YOs and BROs and "da hood" arm-flapping. JS is a unique sort of televised zoo in which all eight animals are (more-or-less) free to roam around the park. But, as all critters, their interests are essentially limited to sex and food. Tanning also, and laundry: our eight chimps need to smell nice just hours before they sweat it out on the dance-floor, fist-pumping ("air-hitting") to the rhythm of "music" which only lower species of primates can find inoffensive/enjoyable. The fact that LMFAO, the worst corporate product on the planet, was asked to "write" for the opening credits says it all. JS is much better than any "Real World" season because MTV found an even more primitive and decadent bunch of attention-seeking, fame-hungry exhibitionists than ever before. Guidos are ideal for this format because (like all animals) they ignore the cameras and aren't too self-conscious. In fact, they aren't conscious at all.
As with the show's predecessor, Animal Planet's "Monkey World", the apes all look alike but have these wonderfully different personalities. A unique characteristic of the young females is that they - instead of emulating older females – impersonate the young males: they're violent, aggressive, go to the gym, burp/fart, and then drown in alcohol at night. Ironically, they never try to imitate the young males in their neatness or willingness to prepare food: the females party like animals and they live that way too. Stumbling over broken glass or an old pizza-slice on the floor is a way of life for the chimpus guidoae female.
Unlike other mammals, the young Guidette is actually even more aggressive than its steroid-pumped male counterpart. The Guidette proudly displays her "femininity" (hence willingness to mate) by cursing, yelling, sticking out her "kuka" in public, getting into cat-fights, and "smooshing" with other females. However, the Guido is usually unimpressed with any of that and mates with the Guidette only when he can't capture a blond non-Guidette female. The snatching of the non-Guidette, a prized possession for the horny non-picky gorilla-juice-head, usually takes place in the primate's natural habitat: the nightclub. It's there that all the most ridiculous elements of guidotic existence unite: the crowded, smoky, smelly, noisy disco is what Guidos call "home". In this pointless jungle they are free to engage in their ritual mating dance without having to worry about looking utterly foolish.
But the male impersonates the female, also; the Guido gets manicures, pedicures, plucks his eye-brows, utilizes an array of perfumes, visits hair-salons very often, and even roasts himself willingly in tanning rooms on an almost daily basis. In that sense he reveals his latent homosexuality. Perhaps this is why the guidus baboonus has a need to over-compensate i.e. prove his machismo - both to himself and others; this can best be observed, in its most extreme form, in the case of a sociopathic chimp called "The Situation". Mike's inferiority complex and continual failure to become the alpha male of the group leads him to a series of near-fights - when he provokes another male(s), but does so very carefully so as to avoid getting involved in an actual scuffle (which would end poorly for him).
Sending these 8 entertaining mammals to Italy was right on the money. Merely to watch these "patriotic" Italo-Americans stumble around cluelessly in their "mamma-mia-land" – worth the price of admission alone. No tattooed apes with steroid muscles and very few girls spreading their legs for the first guy why winks at them; what a disappointment this must have been for them. Even more telling was that none of these "Italia!"-shirt-wearing clowns speak the language (apart from Vinnie, who is slightly smarter – or shall we say "less stupid" than the rest). Nevermind that their parents are mostly fluent Italian-speakers or that it's one of the most popular/easiest languages. On the other hand, Mike & co can barely speak English, so a "second" language would be simply asking too much.
One complaint: when Angelina became unhappy with the quality of bananas, she left – to be replaced by Snooki's pal Deena, an orangutan juice-head disguised in a Robert Loggia costume. Why couldn't they have cast the beautiful Ryder instead?
- Mar 8, 2012