Devlin Adams: So, where's Danny?

Katherine: [pause] Devlin, Danny is at his wedding.

Devlin Adams: Come again?

Katherine: I was never married to him. All a big lie I made up.

Devlin Adams: Why?

Katherine: Because I couldn't stand the thought of you knowing the truth.

Devlin Adams: Really?

Katherine: So, yeah. I'm a single mother. I have two kids I love more than anything in the world. I drive a Honda, I still have dial-up internet. I got a 2.7 GPA in college, not a 3.4. And while I'm at it telling the truth, I name my kids' poop after you. And I work for Danny. I'm his assistant. That's it.

Devlin Adams: Really? I would never have guessed this. I mean, you two had a real connection.

Katherine: He's great, he's the greatest guy, and I might even be in love with him, but it really doesn't matter at this moment because he is getting married to another person, right now.

Devlin Adams: [pause] Ian and I are breaking up.

Katherine: What? What happened?

Devlin Adams: Well for starters, he's gay. I mean look at him

Ian Maxtone Jones: [with a group of sailors] That's a strong muscle, right there. I'm squeezin'.

Katherine: Devlin, I gotta tell you, last night, with the ass grab of the coconut, little bit of a red flag.

Devlin Adams: I've seen him do that with the soap.

Katherine: Oh! What about the iPod?

Devlin Adams: He didn't invent shit. He made his money suing the Dodgers after he got hit by a foul ball.

Katherine: [laughs] Oh God! So what?

Devlin Adams: Well, this is different?

Katherine: Yeah, I mean, why didn't we try this truth telling thing before?

Devlin Adams: I don't know.

[They hug. Devlin sees Danny behind Katherine]

Danny: Aww, that's nice. It's nice to tell the truth. The truth is fun, isn't it? Like were you telling the truth when you said you might be in love with me?

Devlin Adams: I'm gonna leave you two. Gotta go get a divorce.

Danny Maccabee: Ooh, the Mafia stare down. Very good, Michael. We're here to negotiate. Do you have anything else you might like?

Michael: I want a flying pony.

Danny Maccabee: I want a flying pony, too, but they don't exist.

Michael: Then I want a regular pony. And I want to name him Nelson.

Danny Maccabee: How about a PlayStation 3 and we name him Nelson?

Michael: Keep talking.

Danny Maccabee: We'll include 4 video games.

Michael: Five games. I want the meeting with Blondie to be at J.D. McFunnigan's?

Danny Maccabee: How about Charlie Choo-Choos because it's right down the street from me?

Michael: You mention that slop-hole again, and I walk.

Danny Maccabee: I need you to swim to Uncle Eddie. If you get to him without touching the bottom, we'll give you a dolphin cookie.

Maggie: Is that what your grandpa gave you?

Danny Maccabee: No, grandpa gave us something he'd call a Heineken.

Michael: I want one of those.

Danny Maccabee: No. Stick with the dolphin cookie.

Eddie: Yeah, they hurt less when they get thrown at your head. God, he was a sick man.

Palmer: You have kids?

Katherine: Huh? Hmmm?

Palmer: You have children?

Danny Maccabee: We have, sort of, a little bit of children right?

Katherine: [about Ian] Devlin, I gotta tell you, last night, with the ass grab of the coconut, a little bit of the red flag.

Devlin Adams: I've seen him do that with the soap.

Michael: Mom, before we go can I make a Devlin?

Palmer: So Bart, if you could be anyone else, who would it be?

Michael: Mr. Dechesray.

Maggie: Our mailman?

Michael: He just seems to have it all figured out.

Palmer: [finds wedding ring in Danny's bag] What's this?

Danny Maccabee: A circle?

Danny Maccabee: Did you make this yourself?

Mrs. Harrington: Yes, I did.

Danny Maccabee: We're going to have to donate this to the Smithsonian, good job.

Maggie: Can I do an accent?

Danny Maccabee: Give me your best shot.

Maggie: [British accent] Hello.

Danny Maccabee: No.

Katherine: I'm just happy to hear that his thing-a-ding can still ring-a-ding.

Palmer: What's her name?

Danny Maccabee: Mrs. Maccabee. You mean her first name? Her first name is Devlin.

Palmer: Her first name is Devlin?

Danny Maccabee: Yeah, I know. Isn't that a shitty name?

Eddie: What are you doing later?

Kirsten Brant: Oh, ah, I'm actually dating anybody else right now.

Katherine: My tolerance level is here

[holds her hand at chest level]

Katherine: and if it goes up to here

[hand goes up to nose level]

Katherine: I'm taking my kids, I'm selling you out and I'm going home.

Danny: [after Michael has conned him into taking everybody to Hawaii] I can't believe I let a six year-old blackmail me.

Michael: [Nonchalantly] I saw my shot... and I took it.

Michael: Is this where the blue Avatar people live?

Palmer: So Michael, your dad tells me you like to go to the bathroom.

Michael: When I feel it, I do it.

Maggie: [British accent] Hello, Dr. Danny. How are you today?

Danny Maccabee: What's with the accent?

Katherine: She's been working on some accents.

Maggie: I'll be taking acting classes and become the next Miley Cyrus. Yes, I am.

Danny Maccabee: How about you there, do you like Hannah Montana?

Michael: No, I'm more into Californication.

Katherine: When do you ever watch Californication?

Maggie: Rose lets us watch Showtime when she calls her boyfriend.

[Palmer and Katherine are smiling at Danny after he has taught Michael how to swim. Devlin shows up out of nowhere]

Devlin Adams: What are we all staring at?

Katherine: [Opening up a package of oddly constructed breast implants in the clinic] What are these?

Delivery Guy: "Boobie bags." The women, they stick them in the flat chesties, and... make them big.

Katherine: [Holding up one of the bags] These are not the "boobie bags" that I ordered. What is that? It's like a... like a syrup dispenser at an IHOP. I don't know what that is.

Eddie: Katherine, I can't go. Okay?

Katherine: Why?

Eddie: Because I texted a picture of my new equipment to my ex-girlfriend.

Katherine: Oh, you're disgusting.

Eddie: And I forgot she's engaged to a UFC fighter. He wants to punch me in the face.

Katherine: I wanna punch you in the face.

Ian Maxtone Jones: I love the way you smell. Nothing smells as good as Devlin.

Danny Maccabee: Smelling Devlin, always a good thing.

Hot Bar Girl: Where's your wife tonight?

Danny Maccabee: [lying] I stopped asking that question a long time ago.

Katherine: [as they watch bikini-clad Palmer dive into the water] She really wears that bikini well.

Eddie: Yeah... you know what she'd wear well? A dental floss and a pirate hat.

Fat Kid: Mommy! That man put his pee-pee on my face!

Danny Maccabee: What? He put his face in my pee-pee!

Palmer: I can't wait to Twitter this to all my friends.

Katherine: Oh, I forgot, you're 15.

[Danny accidentally kicks Palmer with the intention of kicking Katherine]

Palmer: Ouch! Did you just kick me?

Danny Maccabee: No I did not. Did you just kick her? Why did you kick her?

Danny Maccabee: Where does the name Devlin come from?

Katherine: She was an old sorority sister from college. She was my friend, yet I hated her.

Danny Maccabee: A frenemy.

Katherine: Anyway, I got tired to them saying "I have to take a crap" and "I have to take a dump". So I told them it was called a Devlin. And they liked it. And it stuck.

Eddie: I would create a fake family for that.

[Ian picks up a coconut with his butt]

Danny Maccabee: That's not fair. He can't do that.

Tanner Patrick: No, that's a clean pick-up right there.

Danny Maccabee: You dropped your purse.

Joanna Damon: Can I sit for ten seconds without getting hit on? Thank you.

Danny Maccabee: I was just letting you know you dropped your purse.

Bridesmaid: She looks like Karl Malden.

[first lines]

Bridesmaid: So happy you picked this dress.

Bridesmaid: So beautiful.

Bridesmaid: Isn't she...