Crazy, Stupid, Love. (2011)

Steve Carell: Cal

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Quotes 

• Cal : I have loved her even when I hated her... only married couples'll understand that one...

• Cal : How about we say what we want on three? One, two, three.

  Emily : I want a divorce.

  Cal : [at the same time]  Creme brulee.

• Jacob : Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?

  Cal : No.

  Jacob : Oh, ok. In that case, you've got no right to wear New Balance sneakers, ever.

• Cal : I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one... you never give up.

• Jacob : Let's talk about how many women you've been with.

  Cal : Sexually?

  Jacob : Yeah, no. I mean break-dance fighting.

• Cal : [Jacob is standing naked in the men's locker room, legs spread apart]  Cal: Would you put on some clothes please?

  Jacob : Jacob: Oh, I'm sorry. Is this bothering you?

  Cal : Cal

  [annoyed] 

  Cal : No! It's not!

  Jacob : Jacob: Cal, my schwantz is in your face for twenty minutes. If it's not bothering you, we've got a bigger problem.

  Cal : Cal: Okay. It bothers me.

  Jacob : Jacob: I don't care.

• Bernie Riley : Claire said I can't be friends with you anymore.

  Cal : What?

  Bernie Riley : She said we had to choose between you and Emily. I chose you. But she said no.

• Cal : Who told you that Emily and I are getting divorced?

  Cal's Boss : Amy heard you crying in the bathroom - we all thought it was cancer.

  Cal : Oh...

  Cal's Boss : Thank God, man... *laughing*

  Cal : Yeah, just my relationship...

• Cal : I'm so mad at you. I'm really mad at you for what you did. But I'm mad at myself too. Because I should not have jumped out of that car - I should have fought for you. Because you fight for your soul mates.

  Emily : I miss you.

• Jacob : The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner's ball sack.

  Cal : [Carefully looks at himself on mirror and sighs...]  Yes, it is.

• Cal : [standing in the rain after Emily argues with him]  What a cliché.

• Robbie : If you love her, then go get her back.

  Cal : Wow, how old are you?

• Cal : Are you pointing at me?

  Robbie : You're pointing at him?

  Emily : She's pointing at him? OH!

• Cal : [Jacob is standing naked in the men's locker room, legs spread apart]  Would you put on some clothes, please?

  Jacob : Oh, I'm sorry. Is this bothering you?

  Cal : [annoyed]  No! It's not!

  Jacob : Cal, my schwantz is in your face for twenty minutes. If it's not bothering you, we've got a bigger problem.

  Cal : Okay. It bothers me.

  Jacob : I don't care.

• Kate : What do you want to do with me?

  Cal : I want to show you off to my ex-wife and make her really jealous!

• Cal : Okay. I'm having trouble understanding what's going on right now.

  Hannah : Dad, this is Jacob, my boyfriend.

  Cal : No, it's not.

  Hannah : I was bringing him over to meet Mom.

  Cal : No, no, no, no, no!

  Emily : I wanna see the boyfriend.

  Jacob : I can't breathe.

  Emily : Please, can I take this off now?

  Jacob : Cal, what are you doing with a daughter that's grown up?

  Cal : I was 17, that's why we had to get married so young.

  Jacob : That is something you should have told me.

  Cal : You never wanted me talk about my children!

  Molly : Um, I'm gonna go watch TV now.

  Cal : Yeah, that's fine honey, why don't go do that?

  Jacob : Yeah. Can I come?

  Molly : No.

  Hannah : So you guys, like, really know each other, then.

  Emily : Oh, screw it! This is ridiculous!

  [removes the blindfold; sees Jacob] 

  Emily : Oh Honey, he's really cute.

  Cal : No, he's not.

  Jacob : Look at you. I don't believe it, sister.

• Cal : Let me get this straight. So you guys are a thing? You guys are a couple, right? You guys are together?

  Hannah : Yeah. Yes.

  Cal : No way. Break up right now.

  Hannah : Daddy?

  Jacob : Please don't call him that. Cal, that's not gonna happen.

  Cal : Then I will mess you up!

  Hannah : Dad!

  Emily : Cal!

  Jacob : Cal.

  Robbie : Jessica?

  Cal : Bernie?

• Jacob : Your kids miss you, Cal.

  Cal : You're hanging around with my kids? That's great. You can teach Robbie how to objectify women. He'll love that.

• Cal : What's going on?

  Jacob : What are you doing here?

  Robbie : Hey, Nanna.

  Hannah : Hi, Robbie.

  Molly : Hey, Nanna.

  Hannah : Hi, cutie.

  Emily : Jacob, it's so nice to meet you. I've heard so many wonderful things about you from Nanna.

  Jacob : I'm sorry, what's a Nanna?

  Hannah : I'm a Nanna. You know, I couldn't say Hannah when I was little. How do you know my dad?

  Emily : She couldn't say her H's at all.

• Cal : I have purchased a firearm.

• Jacob : What are you doing later?

  Hip Hairdresser aka Tiffany : I don't know.

  Jacob : I do.

  Hip Hairdresser aka Tiffany : Do you?

  Jacob : I know exactly what you're doing.

  Cal : Seriously? Seriously? You ask her out like that?

  Jacob : Yeah.

  Cal : And that worked?

  Jacob , Hip Hairdresser aka Tiffany : Yeah.

• Jacob : At the end of the night, what do I do? Do I ask them to come home with me?

  Cal : No, you tell 'em to come home with you. They have no choice in the matter. It is your choice and they are so overjoyed to have had the opportunity to make sweet, sweet love to you. Oh my God! You did! You Miyagi'd me!

• Cal : I have children - plural. And my wife was cheating on me with David Lindhagen, which I wasn't supposed to tell you about either, but I did. Nice to meet you.

  Kate : What were you supposed to tell me?

  Cal : I don't know. I don't know. I was supposed to say that you are the perfect combination of sexy and cute, which is actually something that I used to say to my wife. But now it's become corrupted. And I have 18 layers of clothes on. I'm wearing a shirt and a tie, and a sweater, and a suede jacket that just seals in all the heat. Seals in all the juices. I'm just - it's all sweat under here. This is just sweat from here down. I'm - this - this sweater, this is called "slim cut", but it feels like a scuba suit. And I'm looking at your breasts. What's that about?

  Kate : You think I', the perfect combination of sexy and cute?

  Cal : That's what you picked up from what I just said?