[Wednesday enters holding a red balloon]
Morticia Addams: Strange, there's usually a murderous clown attached to the other end of these...
Morticia Addams: [to Wednesday] Don't forget to kick your father goodnight.
Wednesday Addams: Remember, Bethany. I'm not locked here with you, you're locked in here with me.
[Pugsley drinks from a dog bowl]
Morticia Addams: Pugsley, don't drink it all. This gentleman wants some too.
Parker: My mom has a lair *and* a jail? I knew I should've picked to live with my dad.
Gomez Addams: Tish, you have got to try these coffee grounds, they have a certain grit to them!
Wednesday Addams: I'll never forget you, Pugsley, although I will try.
Wednesday Addams: Uncle Fester can come and go as he pleases.
Uncle Fester: Well not exactly, there *are* restrictions. I'm not allowed to go into a mall, the zoo, a building...
Morticia Addams: Wednesday, when you're all grown up you can travel all you want, but for now it's safer here.
Wednesday Addams: [sighs] Come, Socrates.
[leaves the table]
Uncle Fester: [still talking] South America, China, Europe, Asia... I AM allowed in Antarctica.
Morticia Addams: Everyone all right? No missing limbs that weren't already missing before you came?
Wednesday Addams: [to her octopus] Socrates, 8 tentacles, 9 lives.
Wednesday Addams: [when entering the school for the first time] Ah, now I understand. This is a children's prison.
Uncle Fester: I think I can see my house from here! No wait, that's a woman's prison.
Gomez Addams: [to Pugsley] Hand over all your explosives, and the TNT, and the M-80s, and the Roman candles...
Gomez Addams: [looking through the gift basket] Rasp-berry preserves... must be some kind of scented embalming fluid.
Grandma: I haven't bathed in 2 weeks... or is it months?
Uncle Fester: [to Margaux] Let me put it this way: you've got a lot of homes you need to get rid of, and I've got a lot of family I want to get rid of.
Uncle Fester: [to Margaux] Who'd ever think a man like me, a total zero, would wind up with you, also a zero?
Gomez Addams: [sees confetti raining down] This is peculiar weather service.
Wednesday Addams: This day is becoming most wonderfully disruptive...
Margaux Needler: You're welcome in advance.
Uncle Fester: [after having watched a sickening song and dance routine in a public park] Excuse me, I just tooted.