[Wednesday enters holding a red balloon]

Morticia Addams: Strange, there's usually a murderous clown attached to the other end of these...

[at a gloomy, haunted mental asylum]

Morticia Addams: It's hideous!

Gomez Addams: It's horrible!

Morticia AddamsGomez Addams: It's home!

Morticia Addams: [to Wednesday] Don't forget to kick your father goodnight.

[last lines]

Gomez Addams: We did good.

Morticia Addams: I won't tell, if you won't.

Gomez Addams: [kissing] Your hand is as cold as a dead fish!

Morticia Addams: My love, that IS a dead fish.

Spirit of the House: GET OUT!

Morticia Addams: Oh, you're always so grumpy before your morning coffee.

Morticia Addams: [Wednesday doesn't come home after her first day of school] It's late.

Gomez Addams: Wednesday can take care of herself.

Morticia Addams: It's not Wednesday I'm worried about, it's all the others. We may have to provide an alibi.

Wednesday Addams: Pugsley's gone.

Morticia Addams: I know that tone, Wednesday, dig up your brother.

Wednesday Addams: We're weakening the gene pool.

Wednesday Addams: Remember, Bethany. I'm not locked here with you, you're locked in here with me.

Wednesday Addams: How I wish something would lighten up this already tedious day.

[a tree throws Pugsley through a window]

Wednesday Addams: Thanks for trying, Ichabod.

[Pugsley drinks from a dog bowl]

Morticia Addams: Pugsley, don't drink it all. This gentleman wants some too.

Gomez Addams: Tastes like cotton candy.

Morticia Addams: How do you know what cotton candy tastes like?

Gomez Addams: Tish, it was my youth. I made mistakes!

Grandma: When you're done with Fabio, bring him up to my room.

Lurch: Oh boy...

Morticia Addams: If I'd known you were coming I could've made up the dungeon.

Uncle Fester: Don't worry about me, I can just sleep in the attic and you'll never even know I'm here.

[laughs slyly]

Uncle Fester: I've practiced that move in a lot of houses.

Pugsley Addams: Dad, has anybody ever failed the Mazurka?

Gomez Addams: Only one: your third cousin Zander.

Pugsley Addams: Never heard of him.

Gomez Addams: Exactly!

Wednesday Addams: [singsong voice] What's so great about being yourself, when you can be like everyone else?

Morticia Addams: Don't you dare talk to your mother like that, Wednesday.

Parker: My mom has a lair *and* a jail? I knew I should've picked to live with my dad.

Gomez Addams: Tish, you have got to try these coffee grounds, they have a certain grit to them!

Wednesday Addams: I'll never forget you, Pugsley, although I will try.

Wednesday Addams: Uncle Fester can come and go as he pleases.

Uncle Fester: Well not exactly, there *are* restrictions. I'm not allowed to go into a mall, the zoo, a building...

Morticia Addams: Wednesday, when you're all grown up you can travel all you want, but for now it's safer here.

Wednesday Addams: [sighs] Come, Socrates.

[leaves the table]

Uncle Fester: [still talking] South America, China, Europe, Asia... I AM allowed in Antarctica.

Morticia Addams: Everyone all right? No missing limbs that weren't already missing before you came?

Wednesday Addams: [to her octopus] Socrates, 8 tentacles, 9 lives.

Parker: You don't have a cell phone? That is so weird.

Wednesday Addams: I may not have a... cell-phone, but you don't have a crossbow, and I thought everybody did.

Wednesday Addams: [when entering the school for the first time] Ah, now I understand. This is a children's prison.

Uncle Fester: I think I can see my house from here! No wait, that's a woman's prison.

Wednesday Addams: No one torments my family but me. Hair clip.

Parker: Uh... okay?

Wednesday Addams: [picks the lock on the door] Cage School 101.

Wednesday Addams: Parker's the daughter of that mannequin woman. She says she goes to a school called ju-noir high.

Gomez Addams: Ju-noir high? Ah, I have read about those in my Abnormal Psychology journals.

Gomez Addams: [to Pugsley] Hand over all your explosives, and the TNT, and the M-80s, and the Roman candles...

Margaux Needler: Mama has to help people.

Parker: *I* need help, aren't *I* people?

Gomez Addams: [looking through the gift basket] Rasp-berry preserves... must be some kind of scented embalming fluid.

Wednesday Addams: Ms. Gravely, you put your underwear in the freezer.

Ms. Gravely: [defensively] It's refreshing... what're you looking at?

Wednesday Addams: Trudy Pickering, you sit on the toilet backward.

Trudy Pickering: Well, where else am I supposed to put my arms? How do you know that anyway?

Wednesday Addams: What goes on at your school?

Parker: Not much. Friends turning against each other, girls making other girls feel bad about themselves, you know, typical junior high.

Wednesday Addams: Fascinating. Is anybody allowed to go?

Parker: I guess so, but why would you want to?

Wednesday Addams: I think that woman is deranged. Her face reminds me of a death mask.

Uncle Fester: Deranged? Death mask? If you say she has bad breath, I'm hearing wedding bells!

Gomez Addams: Blow F6, Pugsley. Fire in the hole!

Pugsley Addams: Yes!

Uncle Fester: [inside a bathtub] You sunk my battleship.

Gomez Addams: Well done, Pugsley!

Grandma: I haven't bathed in 2 weeks... or is it months?

Uncle Fester: [to Margaux] Let me put it this way: you've got a lot of homes you need to get rid of, and I've got a lot of family I want to get rid of.

Wednesday Addams: Tomorrow you'll become a man, and I'll be a fugitive. Farewell, Pugsley.

Pugsley Addams: I always kind of knew it'd end like this, I just didn't think it would be this soon.

Uncle Fester: [to Margaux] Who'd ever think a man like me, a total zero, would wind up with you, also a zero?

Gomez Addams: The fog's lifting!

Morticia Addams: But that's impossible, unless...

Gomez Addams: Someone's drained the marsh! But who?

Morticia Addams: [gasps] A town. This isn't good.

Gomez Addams: We'll have to go introduce ourselves.

Gomez Addams: [sees confetti raining down] This is peculiar weather service.

Wednesday Addams: This day is becoming most wonderfully disruptive...

Morticia Addams: It's that Margaux woman. It appears she's worked everybody up into a crazed mob.

Gomez Addams: Well I must say, I admire her work.

ParkerBethany: [singing] It's easy to be happy when you have no choice.

Parker: My mom must've built hidden cameras into everybody's homes.

Wednesday Addams: I believe the word is psychotic.

[repeated line]

Margaux Needler: You're welcome in advance.

Uncle Fester: [after having watched a sickening song and dance routine in a public park] Excuse me, I just tooted.