Ted (2012)

Patrick Stewart: Narrator

Quotes 

• Narrator : No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.

• Narrator : Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.

• [last lines as Ted and Sam Jones do a "flash jump" after John and Lori's wedding] 

  Narrator : And that's the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three very special friends.

  [footage of Ted and Tami-Lynn on their double date with John and Lori] 

  Narrator : Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite some time. One afternoon, Ted was caught behind the deli counter eating potato salad off of Tami- Lynn's bare bottom. He was instantly promoted to store manager.

  [footage of Sam Jones walking toward John at Ted's party] 

  Narrator : Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood with the goal of restarting his film career. He currently resides in Burbank where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate, Brandon Routh.

  [photo of Brandon Routh as Superman from "Superman Returns"] 

  Narrator : Remember Brandon Routh from that God-awful "Superman" movie? Jesus Christ! Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant shit on us.

  [footage of Rex at the office] 

  Narrator : Rex was forced to give up his pursuit of Lori. Not long afterward, he fell into a deep depression and died of Lou Gehrig's disease.

  [footage of Donny dancing in his living room] 

  Narrator : Donny was arrested by Boston police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy. The charges were dropped when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded.

  [footage of Robert in his bedroom] 

  Narrator : Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become...

  [photo of Taylor Lautner] 

  Narrator : Taylor Lautner.