- Young Al: You... you think you're going to stop me from playing? You'll see. One day I'm going to be the best... Well, perhaps not technically the best, but arguably the most famous accordion player in an extremely specific genre of music!
- Weird Al: I'm living the dream! To have 20,000 people every night singing MY words... to someone else's music... I feel truly alive on that stage.
- [first lines]
- Grizzled Narrator: Life is like a parody of your favorite song. Just when you think you know all the words, surprise, you don't know anything.
- Weird Al: So, would you like to see the rest of the house?
- Madonna: There's only one room I'm interested in seeing.
- Weird Al: Oh, I'm doing some work on the bathroom. But there's another one downstairs.
- Madonna: Oh, I'm not talking about the bathroom.
- Weird Al: Then let me show you to the laundry room.
- Madonna: Al Yankovic, are you playing with me?
- Weird Al: Yes?
- Mary: Honey, I know it's hard to hear this, but your dad and I had a long talk and we agreed it would be best for all of us if you would just stop being who you are and doing the things you love.
- Grizzled Narrator: Yeah. I had a lot of soul searching to do. Was I a parody singer? An original artist? The most dangerous assassin in the world? Maybe I had lost my way. Don't get me wrong, there were things I loved about being Weird Al. The fame, the money, the fancy dinners, joining the Illuminati, going to the Illuminati holiday party, learning the truth about the moon landing and JFK. But without my family, none of that mattered. I knew what I had to do.
- Weird Al: [over phone, referring to Nick] What does he want to tell me?
- Mary: Well, mostly he just wants you to know that he's definitely not proud of you.
- Weird Al: What?
- Mary: Yes. He told me to be crystal clear about that. Also, he still thinks that parody songs are stupid. And I don't have to tell you about how he feels about the accordion, do I?
- Dr. Demento: I think Madonna's a bad influence on you. I think she's an evil, conniving succubus, and she's only using you for her pathetic and selfish needs.
- Weird Al: What?
- Dr. Demento: [to Madonna] No offense.
- Nick: [as Young Al is singing] Stop. Stop! What in God's name are you doing? Those aren't the right words!
- Young Al: I know. I made 'em better.
- Nick: By changing the lyrics to a well known song? No, boy, what you're doing is confusing, and evil. My God, and I will not have that kind of blasphemy in my own home!
- Jim: Name me one creative genius that doesn't have a chequered past involving drugs, alcohol, and a murderous rampage through the heart of the jungle.
- [inspired by The Knack's song "My Sharona" while looking at a stack of bologna, Al gets an idea for a new parody song]
- Weird Al: M-M-M-My bologna... M-M-M-My bologna...
- Wolfman Jack: [after Weird Al Yankovic performs a parody song of "Another one bites the dust"] I don't know what to say. That is the most beautiful thing I ever heard in my entire life. You truly have a rare gift, Weird Al.
- [last lines]
- Text on Screen: Weird Al Yankovic was assassinated at the Shrine Auditorium in 1985... but his music will live on forever.
- Text on Screen: Madonna Ciccone is still at large.
- Tony Scotti: I thought you should hear it from me first. Michael Jackson just released a new single called "Beat It." It's... um... well, it's a parody of Eat it.
- Weird Al: You mean the kid from the Jackson Five? Why is that has-been trying to ride my coattails?
- Tony Scotti: He actually has a pretty successful solo career now.
- Weird Al: Whatever! You're telling me Michael Jackson recorded a parody of my song?
- Tony Scotti: Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Same music, different words.
- Weird Al: What kind of sick freak changes the words to someone else's song? Beat It, huh? Wait, so it's about eggs?
- Tony Scotti: No, no, it's... uh, I don't think it's even about food. It's about fighting? Or trying to avoid a fight? I'm not exactly sure.
- Weird Al: What gives him the right? Can he even do this?
- Tony Scotti: I think you're overreacting just a little, OK? I mean, this could be great publicity. Sell a few more albums...
- Weird Al: No, I don't need to sell more albums, Tony! I need people to start taking me seriously that creates original music. Now some idiots will probably get confused and think Beat It came first!
- Tony Scotti: Nobody's gonna think that.
- John Deacon: We're playing a little gig next week called Live Aid. I'd be honored if you'd join the band and play that song on stage with us. What do you say?
- Weird Al: Hard pass!
- Ben Scotti: If I may interject here. Look, I'd just like to say you've got some nerve coming in here, wasting my time, and my brother Tony's time! I- I'm gonna remember your name, because you; Al Yankovic, are the most untalented, pathetic loser that I have ever met in my entire life. You're nothing but a hack! A stupid, useless, parasite. And you're so... ugly. That ridiculous hair, that horrible mustache, stupid glasses. You make me wanna throw up! Bleugh!