May Contain Spoilers
01. Surfing can cause a cerebral aneurysm to burst with fatal results.
02. Always take, without question, any drug a school doctor who barely knows you prescribes, even if they fail to explain what the medication is, what it is supposed to be for, and what its side effects might be.
03. There are sections of NYC's Central Park reserved exclusively for the use of students from two, or at most three, elite private high schools. No litter is ever permitted in these sections.
04. Students from elite high schools can't skateboard very well.
05. School nurses wear loose fitting, dress silk blouses to work.
06. If it has been at least four months since the sudden death of your wife, it's fine to leap into a torrid affair with the school nurse to give your daughter a new mother.
07. Published, highly respected and successful authors can be completely unobservant, rock stupid morons.
08. Every private high school is required by law to have at least one "Chloe."
09. Gardens are sometimes, "closed for renovations."
10. Teenagers who use the word "devirginized" are at very high risk for apparent suicide.
11. To help deal with an alcoholic mother who will allow you to be ritually sacrificed, school counselors recommend decorating your room to show your individuality.
12. To show their individuality, some teenagers decorate their rooms with discordant, ugly pink, white and silver wallpaper but don't hang any pictures, posters or anything else on the walls.
13. When starting at a new school, it's perfectly normal for various members of the faculty and administration to be popping in and out of your home, (and bedrooms), at any hour and without notice. If you call this behavior intrusive or creepy, you will be accused of being "hostile."
14. Some high schools have wooden lockers.
15. If you bump into the ghosts of two girls of about the same age, height, build and clothing in a wooden locker room, give them directions to The Shining (1980), because they are entirely superfluous where they are.
16. If you require the blood of virgin girls to maintain your book club, and you run a girl's school, always select your victims from among your students instead of sacrificing those with whom you have no connection. Multiple student deaths actually enhance a school's reputation and would never cause the slightest suspicion.
17. A school can have the same ageless faculty and staff for more than a century without causing undue comment.
18. People who give blue dresses as gifts are probably planning to sacrifice the recipient.
19. Girls should lose their virginity as young as possible to minimize the risk of being sacrificed by quasi-vampire Stepford wives who drink red tea.
20. Quasi-vampires can be killed by stabbing them in the chest with a metal dagger, at which point they turn ashen gray and evaporate in a swirl of CGI, hence they are conveniently self-cleaning.
21. If you kill one quasi-vampire, the rest of the book club members will evaporate as well. They must be connected in series.
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