The colleagues who write puff pieces for IMDb about Cash Markman, recently outed as Marc Cushman for some reason, mentioned he teaches screen writing to college students. After watching "The Red Panties", for whom Skye Blue shares the directing blame, I would hope he starts the semester with a stern: "Do as I say, not as I do" admonition to the precious young minds as his own screenplays like this one are dreadful.
It's ultimately the standard Penthouse hour and a half of five sex scenes with okay talent humping in suitably bored fashion, but Cash's stringing it all together is awful. Story concerns two buddies, Dane Cross and Eric Masterson, with the latter gesticulating wildly and given to the idiotic "bro", "dude" and "totally" verbal shtick that is sort of Valley Girlspeak with testosterone added. For the purposes of the video these two schlubs are apparently irresistible to women.
Dane is the lucky guy dating Mia Lelani, but he's afraid she might be pregnant. Typical of the poor writing, Eric suggests: "Ill pull out before shooting my load", verbalizing some anti-cream pie propaganda of this 2010 production, unlike today's craze where every Tom,, Dick and Hairy video release seems to be about internal cum shots.
Key sequence is when Dane beds a girl who leaves her red panties behind at his house, for Mia to find. A preposterous and thoroughly unconvincing final reel tries to drag out the suspense by having Mia find said title panties, which have a rather distinctive design pattern, and mistake them for a pair of her own she misplaced months ago. That phony ploy is of course contradicted by her figuring it out at fade-out, and Dane's in the soup as he should have been. Moronic, condescending words of wisdom (typical of a Markman script belittling his audience) have Dane ending the film with advice: "Don't ever tell women the truth if you can possibly help it".
This is truly lousy filmmaking and merely goes to show that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with the very popular vignette structure where sex segments are completely unrelated in a feature -here Cash tries to string them together and fails miserably. Only positive takeaway is seeing big-breasted Latina Jenna Cruz as the boss's wife, who has so few credits one wonders what killed off her Adult career as soon as it began.
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