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  • With poor plotting, inconsistent pacing and a rushed sense of chemistry amongst the new cast Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales exposes the swashbuckling sequel as nothing more than a cash-grab that's as hollow as the ships they occupy.
  • The writing is very minimalistic, character's are all former shadows of themselves. The young character leads are forgettable and character development feels almost non-existent. The lead female is an advocate for woman's rights it seems..instead of just being a really cool protagonist who 'happens' to be female. The whole cast pretty much runs around doing nothing. Jack's crew (Gibbs in particular) have been reduced to mediocre comedy relief. Quite a few plot holes as well as being historically inaccurate in parts. I did enjoy a few scenes, not enough to warrant a rave review though. :P

    I've enjoyed all of the Pirates films but I think it's about time they wrap things up.
  • After not really caring for the last pirates of the Caribbean film I didn't have high expectations for this movie but I went and saw it and I was right to have these low expectations. The premise of the film sees the return of captain jack sparrow as he leads an expedition for the Trident of Poseidon while on the run from an old enemy. Johnny depp has become known for the role of jack sparrow and I think when in that character he usually delivers his best, that was until this film. He has some of the charisma and jack nuances in his performances that makes him entertaining, but this character is a shell of his former self. This is the least funny he has ever been, the least charming he has been and I ended up feeling like he phoned in this performance quite a bit. The supporting cast is pretty large but I will go over the main ones, Salazar played by Javier bardem is the main villain in this film and I thought he was a pretty decent villain. He is a little hard to understand at times but, he is pretty menacing in this film and I liked his back story that makes him also a little sympathetic but then he is menacing and it adds to his performance. Geoffrey rush is back as hector barbosa in this film and like always he is great, I wasn't the biggest fan of some of the things done with his character but rush always gives a fun charismatic performance that does make me smile. However, we get to the new characters played by Brendon thwaites and kaya scodelario who are both completely wooden and lacking. I didn't buy there chemistry at all and I didn't like the involvement of lore to try to make Them interesting because they really weren't. The story is very jumbled and a bit all over the place, similar to stranger tides there is just too many people going after this artifact that you don't even remember them all. The Salazar plot and trident plot feels like two different movies and the meshing just really didn't work. The script has a couple of laughs in it I can't deny that I laughed enough for passable. However, there was a lot of misses in this script with this possibly being the least funny of the films and definitely the film with the least drama and heart in it. The style of this film has some of the pirates action scenes that are very enjoyable especially towards the beginning of the film. But as the film progresses the action felt a bit hollow as I didn't really care about any of the characters. Overall this is the weakest pirates film in my opinion and unless you are a big fan of this franchise like me it isn't really worth a watch.
  • (Gonna try not to cuss) I will start by saying I was/am fanatical about all three of the first ones. Yes the original is still the best, but the second is almost every damn bit as good. The plot was creative enough that it felt necessary, the writing was on par with the first, and Davy Jones is SO freaking good oh my god he is literally my favorite villain of all time (save for Agent Smith). The third one has its flaws (though I really can't think of any besides Keira Knightley's acting being occasionally over the top), but as a whole it's a WONDERFUL movie. Like sweet Jesus, Hans Zimmer's freaking score for that movie alone is goddamn legendary. And as a result I totally bought into the romance between Will & Elizabeth and really just felt an emotional connection to the whole series because of it (much like the emotion Howard Shore's music invokes for LotR). But what makes the third one so impressive is how well it handles ALL of that crazy plot while still introducing great new sh*t like the Brethren Court.

    But I'm not here to talk about how great the original trilogy was. Odds are, most of you liked them too. What I want to talk about briefly before I tear Dead Men Tell No Tales to shreds, is On Stranger Tides. From what I gather, the fourth installment was/is NOT very popular. I like it. And I'll tell you why. While it didn't have the same epic sense of scale and adventure and romance and everything that made the first three so great, IT STILL HAD GOOD WRITING. It was clever, and witty, and funny as ever. And this is because Ted & Terry were still writing them, not FRICKING Jeff Nathanson. OMFG I'll get to him later. I would urge you though to go back and give On Stranger Tides another chance, especially if you've now seen the fifth installment. I think you'll find that even though it doesn't quite hold up against the first three it still FEELS like a Pirates of the Caribbean, and for all the reasons that Dead Men Tell No Tales did not, and here they are:

    1) Johnny Depp has completely lost it. It's like he forgot how to play Jack Sparrow. There were seriously times watching him when I thought he was more Mad Hatter than he was Jack Sparrow. And it's so sad to watch. The old Jack was an idiot sure, but he was always clever, he was always suave, always cool. In this he's just silly. It's embarrassing. I'm serious when I say he acts like the Mad Hatter, you'll see what I mean. In the fourth one he at least still felt like Jack Sparrow.

    2) Zimmer's so called "protege" Geoff Zanelli is so forgettable. I was actually trying to listen for his music but the only times the music stood out was when he was rehashing Zimmer's themes. And some of you may be like *sissy voice "oh that's all Zimmer did was rehash Badelt's themes". BISH PLEASE. Not only did he make Badelt's original theme sound even better, he introduced so many new ones (Jack's theme, Davy Jones' theme, Will & Elizabeth's theme). Even On Stranger Tides added a fun new Spanish twist to the old stuff.

    3) Salazar, Henry, & Carina are also all completely forgettable. They're worse than Blackbeard (who I actually quite liked), Philip, and Syrena. There is hardly ANY character development for them and what little there was felt SO forced. I feel terrible for them (especially Thwaites and Bardem) because they're not bad actors (Bardem is actually a fantastic actor) but they just got saddled with one of the WORST freaking scripts of all time, which brings me to my final and primary complaint with the fifth installment.

    4) JEFF NATHANSON IS CANCER. I mean my biggest (only) concerns from the start (because let's be honest the trailer's gave NO hint that the movie would be this bad) were the fact that Zimmer wasn't composing and that JEFF NATHANSON, the idiot who ruined Indiana Jones, was writing it, but I NEVER thought he could have F'd up this movie, not as badly as he did. Like, the movie had SO much going for it. Salazar could have been another great villain to put alongside Jones and Barbossa, but he was totally wasted with minimal and poor dialogue. Carina Smith, a female astronomer, could have been a GREAT female character! And her romance with Henry could have been done BEAUTIFULLY! Instead, what did we get? Well, I won't spoil it for you but I will say there is one of the most forced, predictable, and painstakingly banal twists I've ever seen in a movie regarding her character.

    So, as I said, I absolutely LOVED the first three, and I really did like the fourth one. Enough that I was very excited about what they could do with the next one (the fifth one). All my friends said the franchise was dead but I maintained that the fifth installment had the potential to be amazing (which it did). And I waited SIX GODDAMNED YEARS for this fifth one. And it, was just, god, awful. So bad that I actually now don't want to see another installment, and I will honestly probably never watch it again because it's so bad that it almost taints my love for the first four.

    I tried to think of reasons to give it more than the lowest possible rating, any reason. And ALL I could think of was the visual quality that the two Norwegian directors brought to it, so good for them, I give the fifth Pirates of the Caribbean a whopping two stars.

    Thank you. This has been my angrily hastened unedited review of Dead Men Tell No Tales.
  • I wasn't expecting a masterpiece, but I certainly wasn't expecting it to not be entertaining. At least the previous films had great swashbuckling fun and wit. They told bizarre stories that had strange characters, all of which had something to offer to the film. The adventures were full of surprises, making them worth at least checking out, and Jack Sparrow was a character that was actually worth waiting for. This film had no personality. No heart. No passion. It was nothing more than a "bottom of the barrel" film with cheap sex jokes and physical gags, most of which were served by Jack Sparrow. He was drained of the spirit that he had in the previous films, and wasn't even worth the time he was on screen. Nobody cared, nobody tried, and the full theater was nearly emptied halfway through the film. What once was a film series known for their cinematic experiences, is now nothing more than a dried up corpse, a result of Disney's relentless need to milk their products to death.
  • Sadly, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales was just a mediocre film from a dying series of great films, and this film honestly brings nothing new to the table for this series. In a time full of cinematic universes, and unnecessary reboots, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales doesn't do anything special to wow audiences like it originally did almost 15 years ago. The film was full of mediocre acting, writing, visuals, and music, and is a film that will honestly just end up being forgotten like the film that came before it. In the end I decided to give Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales an "Alright" on theVade Review Bar or a 5 out of 10. It's heartbreaking to say, but I have to agree with what Mark Kennedy from the Associated Press said about this film. "After this fifth episode, you'll wish Disney would just declare the franchise dead and tell no more tales."

    Read more at theVade.
  • The fifth installment of the Pirates-series is by all means a step up from the fourth. In all film-series, when a sequel is released it's mandatory to compare it to the best one - which in this case arguably everyone agrees is the first one. That may be unfair, but it's the reality. Now.

    Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar's Revenge does give us some spectacular moments. The visual effects really is astonishing, and some of the scenes is beyond anything I have ever seen before. That's impressing. But that's not why I like Pirates of the Caribbean. What I expect (hope) from a Pirates-film is elegant and witty dialog, compelling sea- battles and Jack Sparrow on fire. And this last bit I think is the biggest reason why this one fails to deliver.

    In my opinion, Johnny Depp has lost his way as captain Jack. And I think that's natural, after all, it's been 13 years since he first portrait the character. He's gotten older and that really shows. This, combined with a really poor script, regarding Jack at least, makes it all fall apart. Half the time he's completely drunk (really drunk, not just usual Jack-tipsy) and half the time he tells bad jokes which really is beneath a genius character like Jack Sparrow.

    The film starts on a positive note. I had good hopes that it could go somewhere, but mid- way through the story starts to split up and it didn't really have a good rhythm to it. In addition I think there are a lot of characters that just don't do anything to the story or adds humor or dynamic.

    The decision to bring back Orlando Bloom to play Will Turner is fundamentally a good one, but I'm so disappointed with he's involvement in the film. It seems Disney only took him back to promote the film and lure old fans back for more. If he's to be involved, he should have a major role.

    Javier Bardem does a good job as villain, but nothing I will remember him by.

    All in all, I would say that I am disappointed. I didn't have huge expectations to begin with, but where I thought the film would deliver, it just didn't. Basically it's a film for the technical wizards to show how much they can do in terms of visual effects , and they can do a lot. It's just not what I want.
  • Warning: Spoilers
    It was terrible from the script to the casting. The 2 new characters were terrible. Barbossa suddenly decides that he cares about his daughter after dumping her at an orphanage :/ I wonder what high the script writers were on when they wrote the lines. in the first 3 films will and Elizabeth's romance developed over a period of time. In this though they rushed it even though it was not necessary whatsoever. Each second of the movie is spent thinking that jack will come up with a really witty dialogue but they always fall short. This along with the fact that Johnny Depp seems to try too hard to act the role just makes this movie sad. The McGuffin's do not help whatsoever.
  • Warning: Spoilers
    After the ordeal of On Stranger Tides comes a sequel that sets sails in a truly amazing and beautiful fashion.

    First off the film is a great send up compared to the weakest link in the series, On Stranger Tides. The cast, effects, and story line are great. The film as a whole is amazing.

    Once again we get Johnny Depp as the ever funny and intoxicated Captain Jack Sparrow. His performance is hilariously outrageous. He is very good and funny within the film. Unlike his performance in Stranger Tides his acting a characterization of the titular captain seems to have great passion and not the feeling of a called in performance.

    Again my personal favorite character returns to the 5th film is Geoffrey Rush as the amazingly interesting Captain Hector Barbossa. Within the Hector still rides high as the captain at the helm of the Queen Ann's Revenge. When we meet up with him in the film he has become very wealthy and rich from trade and knocking off ships. He then joins a false alliance with the films hardcore villain, Captain Salazar. Rush's performance as the titular captain is great and very touching. A sad note for many including me is that this is barbossa's last appearance in the series. He dies towards the end of the film, in a very courageous and brave manor, trying to save his long lost daughter Carina Smith, played by Kaya Scodelario.

    Next We get are new villain, Captain Salazar, played by Javier Bardem. Bardem's performance as the tortured Captain Salazar is one for the ages. His performance is gut renchingly creepy and at the same time sympathetic in a dark sort of way. His story goes like this, he was a might Spanish general who hunted and killed thousands of pirates across the sea. During one of his showdowns he was confronted by a very young (Thanks to great CGI) Jack Sparrow. He is then tricked by Jack and his ship is sent into the Devil's Triangle where he and his crew are cursed to stay forever, or at least until Jack screws up and let's them free.

    Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan return for a very brief time span in this entry but their presence is very well known. Keira Knightly and Orlando Bloom return as their titular characters from the previous installments. Will, now five years after 16 years after he became the captain of the Flying Dutchman is covered in barnacles and coral, still not as bad as old fish face, Davy Jones. Keira Knightley shows up towards the climax of the movie where here and will can finally reunite again after the trident of Poseidon is broken and all of the curses in the see are destroyed. Though they are in the film for a very brief time frame their presence is quite uplifting and good, a true treat would be to see them have bigger roles in up incoming installments.

    Are new characters are Brenton Thwaites and of course Kaya Scodelario as the two young leads of the film. Thwaite's plays Henry Turner, the son of Will and Elizabeth, who in the film is sixteen. Within the film, he wants to free his father from the dreaded curse of being bound to the Dutchman. In doing so he needs the trident of Poseidon. Thwaite's plays Henry in a very natural way. He seems in place in the film and does a very good job. Then we have Kaya Scodelario as Carina Smith. Smith is a women of science. She believes in the simple and factual way of life. Later in the film we learn that she is the daughter of Barbossa, who had her at a very young age along time ago. Their relationship, Geoffrey Rush's and Kaya Scodelario's is very sweet and subtle. through the film you can feel Barbossa's pain of knowing who his daughter is and her not knowing who her father is. Scodelario plays Carina superbly and is one the new standout performances.

    On a minor charter level we have a new British antagonist, General Scarfeild played by the brilliant and underrated Australian actor David Whenham. Though in the film for a short period, Scarfeild is an interesting charter and chews the scenes he is in. Another new charter is the films new voodoo witch played by Golihifteh Farahani. In the film she is the friend of Barbossa and give him valuable information. She is creepy and interesting as her character.

    From a film making stand point, the film looks great. The colors in the film are magnificent, the ships and sea faring parts are extraordinary, and the special effects are freaking amazing, Salazar and his crew are beautiful in a creepy dead rotted pirate way. The two new directors did a very good job, way better then Rob Marshall directing On Stranger Tides.

    On an overall look, Pirate of the Caribbean 5: Dead Men Tell No Tales is an amazing film. The acting is spectacular. The Visuals are splendid and the story is very impressive. I loved the film, my one complaint would be that Barbossa Dies. He was my favorite character in the series. Well, anyways, the film was a great fun-filled ride and i personally can't wait until the next one.

    Rest in Peace Captain Barbossa, until we meet again!

    Two-Peg legs up!
  • Warning: Spoilers
    Sometimes I wonder how bad can the Hollywood script writers be? Looks like the people who wrote the script for this movie were imbeciles. Its one thing to write a bad script and its totally another to write something which is this nonsensical.

    The title of the movie is "dead men tell no tales" but Salazer does tell a long tale to Barbosa a......

    The biggest culprit of this boring movie is Jonny Depp. He makes no effort what-so- ever to deliver anything new.

    The jokes are all stale, the dialog is stale, the characters are stale.

    Perhaps the only bright thing was Javier bardem... but he was not enough to save this movie.
  • Finally a Pirates of the Caribbean movie that I felt quite at par with the original one. I felt in this movie, the elements of entertainment were quite abundant. Unlike in the 4th installment, I think this one is funnier, more thrilling and gave the sense of happiness at the end. This time,, the movie was not solely telling the story of Jack Sparrow. Instead the other characters, especially Henry and Carina were given quite a lot screen time. It was nice to see Jack Sparrow's charm and wit plus his insistence of helping other people.

    This movie provided some background story of Jack while he was young, which was very interesting to see. The movie was filled with lots of fun and laughter but also few brief touching moments. The story was good and there were some surprises too. As a high budget movie, the movie was filled with very good special effects (some done by the Industrial Light Magic). I totally loved the effects of the deads (Salazar's crews), his ship and of course the very cool special effects at the end.

    I also felt that the movie did not have any dull moment. From beginning till the end, there were always something interesting to see. My wife and I were entertained throughout the whole movie which was having a duration of a little over 2 hours. Amazingly, due to the sense of excitement, my wife was able to hold going to the bathroom till finished. I guess she forgotten about it while watching.

    Actually, even though I looked forward to see this movie, I was a bit skeptical at first about whether this one would be good enough. I felt that the 4th one was a little bit dull, and also a bit forced. The story for that one did not feel strong enough and certainly did not give a lot of impression. But this one really felt it was worthy of giving another sequel after this. Especially if you wait till the very end, after the end-credit scene, where we were given something interesting to ponder. Might be the potential story for the sequel? Perhaps if this one is successful enough.

    I believe this one really worth to see. I am happy to see Johnny Depp in this movie which I hope would be a commercial success for him. Since his past few movies were unfortunately not really successful ones. Maybe people grew tired of his acting as unusual characters. So if you are looking for something fun, light, interesting movie with funny charming pirate and treasure hunt story, you should definitely watch this one. I am confident you would be entertained like my wife and I were.

    For my complete review, pls have a look in michaelnontonmulu.blogspot.co.id
  • I watched the first Pirates after watching this one to see if it was once a better type of film. It was. This film just got on my nerves - same jokes, same villain traits, same battle moments just tweaked a little. Pirates has run its course in my opinion. Time to move onto something else Johnny.
  • None of the characters had good chemistry together and all of the acting was poor. Jack's accent seemed new and he talked way more than in other movies so the new accent became really annoying. The two new teen characters are very bad actors and helped ruin the chemistry with everyone else. This movie has a lot more adult jokes that aren't funny and I'm not sure why everyone was so excited about the celebrity cameo. That scene was painfully unfunny and unnecessary. I had to go watch the original after I left this movie just to get the bad taste out of my mouth.
  • If you would ask me to recount the plot, I wouldn't be able to. The fifth installment is simply incoherent. It jumps from action scene to action scene with no discernible story. Obviously, there are plenty of impressive visuals, but they don't contribute to anything larger than that. Yes, 'Dead Men Tell No Tales' tells no tale. The movie also lacks the wit of the first installment and lacks any emotional or intellectual development on the part of any of the characters. The ones you would like to sympathize with, such as the female astronomer, are still too shallow and stereotypical to be any good.
  • If you are looking for witty dialog and chemistry between characters, this is not the movie for you. The magic is all gone. It's a lifeless sequence of stunning visuals and action sequences. Every actor/actress seems to play like a ghost of former self. The script is truly bad.. no focus, just a collection of random things happening.

    No lead character.. everyone, including Jack, play their role without any emotional involvement.

    The same old soundtrack, which would have been fine with a better movie.

    And average movie would have been fine, I would have walked happy out of the cinema, but the title is to be taken literally. It's full of dead man that have no tale to tell..
  • Warning: Spoilers
    To some, to know him is to love him. But has that swash-buckling, dared doer Jack Sparrow dropped anchor in the Caribbean a time too many? Has the lucrative franchise lost some of the original luster? The rousing adventure continues as Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) seems to find himself against the odds, yet again, as an old nemesis Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem) and his gathering of minion ghost pirates threaten a rampage of killing every living pirate on the seas. The drunken, yet witty, Captain Jack must put winds behind him to search for the Trident of Poseidon, a mythical artifact that gives its possessor unquestionable control over the seas.

    Plenty of action and great visuals. It remains to be seen, but scuttlebutt has it that this may just be the last time Jack Sparrow will get his boots wet. Espen Sandberg directs a very busy cast that also features: Geoffrey Rush, Kaya Scodelario, David Wenham, Brenton Thwaites, Kevin McNally and Angus Barnett. Impressive cameos feature Keira Knightly, Orlando Bloom and Sir Paul McCartney.
  • 'Drunk Jack' is nothing new, and for that matter, nothing else except ONE small point is new.

    First, the worst in a tired, exhausted, barely-there plot line that serves no purpose, doesn't take you on a refreshed journey and doesn't project real interest, anywhere. The special effects throughout are up a bit, but to be expected, though not slow enough to appreciate much of the available graphics wizardry of 2017. The austere and unsurprising plot leaves so little in imagination that someone forgot to develop characters, build something and have buy-in. This movie fails on so many levels that you ponder who thought this was a great direction??

    Secondly, Jack is tiresome. Nothing new from him. Boring. The hatred from the 'villain' is sincere if not the plot that seems to put Sparrow at second whistle throughout the film. There literally is ZERO flavor, no life. The boorish overall theme is like a thief that takes all the charm out of the series with this installment. My two college daughters watched it with me and after the movie, combined, we struggled to find value, humor or interest in the movie as a whole. I hope it's the 'last' one because they have clearly beat the proverbial dead horse on this one. Very disappointed is just one stance as a starting point here...
  • petarmatic29 May 2017
    8/10
    Fun!
    I loved it! Yes, it is made for the family audiences but it really kept me going for two hours! It is an action filled adventure on the high seas from the times when Britannia ruled the waves. It has it all! Action, pirates, sailors, ghosts and what not, but it really is entertaining! You have no other option but to take your kids to this one, you will not be sorry.

    I especially liked Mr. Bardem as Captain Salazar, his acting is a little bit better then the rest but every actor gave hundred percent for this film and it shows!

    Since this is my review 400 for IMDb.com I have to take an opportunity to thank staff at the Multiplex Cinema City Sarajevo for being generally kind and professional. Not to forget Meeting Point Cinema as well. I also want to thank IMDb.com staff for letting MOST of my reviews pass.
  • Six years have passed away since the last time I've seen a new Pirates of Caribbean movie, one of my favorite fantasy series, and I was so excited to watch it. I came with high expectations, not about its quality, but with hope of it bringing me back to younger ages, giving me the same excitation as it used to. However, I left the cinema disappointed. Maybe I have outgrown the movie in these six years and now I am looking for more realistic and thoughtful movies, who knows? But this movies brought me no thrills at all. They've tried to put in comedy in almost every single scene, I remember the old films to have few funny scenes and dialogues, but that was just some scenes and it was well placed throughout the movie. In this case it was just a bunch of jokes one after another, and I felt satiation even boredom. Also, I think they gave too much time to some of the unimportant scenes, while those that are crucial to plot were finished in matter of seconds. Movie seemed much more fantasized than it used to be as well. It feels like they could've invented anything they want and put it in no matter how does it fit into the movie. I do understand it is a fantasy, but still even a fantasy needs to have some limits.
  • Expectations is everything with these movies. While the previous Pirates of the Caribbean (PotC) movie feels more like a spin-off than a direct sequel to the original trilogy, "Dead Men Tell No Tales/Salazar's Revenge" continues the lore of the first 3 movies. While continuity errors are somewhat blatant, you can't say this movie is the worst of the 5 PotC movies. The actions are more grounded than the previous movies, and they managed to salvage themselves after the less-than-mediocre "On Stranger Tides". The humor's there, and just enough. The amount of screen time of Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley probably means that there'll be more of these movies in the future. There's also a familiar feels to the first movie in this one. Perhaps this familiarity is what makes critics hate it. But seriously, if you despised "On Stranger Tides", this one you'll probably like. I'd say this is the best PotC movie since the first one back in early 2000's.

    Oh, and Javier Bardem, as always, is menacing as the latest baddie "Capitan Salazar".
  • Warning: Spoilers
    I was going to give a 10 simply due to opening scene but then movie started to slow a little bit.Also, unnecessarily, the stone lady on the head of the ship started to jump ship to ship and try to hunt Jack with a giant stone spear,in a sudden.Nonetheless, I will surely watch this movie again. Seeing Jack moving around is always worth watching the whole movie.So it is a smiling 8.
  • So, I went to see this (presumably... or not) last chapter in the PoC-saga. I honestly went in with an open mind, not really expecting much after the previous fiasco that was 'On Stranger Tides". Even so, this polished piece of scrap metal indeed did it's best to disappoint me for what seemed like an eternity. In short: this must be one of the most boring action/adventure - flicks I've seen in a cinema these past years.

    Quick recap:

    • Ridicoulusly loud and messy action no-one would ever be able to follow


    • The least engaging romantic tension in a love story since Edward an Bella


    • Johhny Depp overdoing an already overdone character (yes. This was ACTUALLY possible)


    • Weird over the top CGI (why, tho? We want cannons and wooden splinters. That is all.)


    • A less scary villain than Blackbeard from the previous film


    • A script presumably thrown together with no thread whatsoever


    • One gazillion plot-lines, none which are remotely interesting


    • Barbossa Barbossaing (yay for this).


    I've enjoyed some messy flicks here and there. I've been charmed by them, I've been able to ignore annoying moments. But I had NEVER expected this Disney monstrosity to be so utterly dull and boring. The one star rewarded goes to Geoffrey Rush. He made med snigger on two occasions. Let's now hope this puts the final nail in the coffin of the Pirates-franchise.
  • danielharden12 June 2017
    Warning: Spoilers
    Remember when Johnny Depp exploded onto the big screen as Jack Sparo- Sorry, CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow, and it was awesome? Ah the good old days, what I would give to go back to that time where Pirates were cool and Salazar's Revenge didn't exist. The fifth instalment to the Pirates franchise displays a complete evolution of genre complying with Louis Giannetti's theory. The Cure of the Black Pearl marked the Primitive genre stage, the film blew audiences away and introduced them to the pirates genre. Dead Man's Chest marked the classical stage, classical conventions were utilised such as the Kraken and what have you. Next is the Revisionist stage of At World's End with it's time travel, witches that grow into giants and that sinkhole final act, let's just ignore the pointless fourth film aaaaaaaaaand now, unfortunately, we have the all out parody that is Salazar's revenge.

    Pirates 5 is quite simply a parody of itself, from its stupidly absurd, comedic action sequences, to Johnny Depp himself. This film feels like one big joke and I can pinpoint the exact moment I knew this to be true. The way Jack is introduced in this film is quite possibly one of the goofiest sequences I've ever seen in the cinema. I've seen bank robberies go wrong before, but stealing the bank itself... All I can say is, what are those horses taking and where can I get me some? BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! The guillotine scene is just so horrifically bad I physically had to lift my jaw up off the floor in a mix of amazement and bafflement. The Pirates franchise is no stranger to big, illogical, comical action scenes, but this film takes that to a whole different level of stupidity and is almost like a scene out of Epic Movie.

    As well as the action scenes being all out parodies of ones which preceded them, the acting is as much, if not more so. Johnny Depp drunkenly stumbles out of the children's hospital to play Jack Sparrow once again... Or at least I think he was acting... I'm not quite sure to be honest. Sparrow has always been an alcoholic character, but that was once his lovable charm, now Depp slurs his speech and acts so confused to the point where it's hard to believe he hadn't had "a single drop of rum." This being said he gives the best performance in this film which is shocking to be honest. Geoffrey Rush, similar to Depp, plays a parody of his character Captain Barbossa, but to be honest, Barbossa was always a kind of parody of pirates so I can let that slide. However, what I cannot excuse is the abysmal performance by the films two newcomers Brenton Thwaites and Kaya Scodelario. Not helped by their rather forced relationship, the two provide a masterclass in wooden acting that makes it near impossible to care for their characters.

    However bad the acting is, it is not the worst part of this film, oh no. That would be the films script and visuals. Firstly, the script. Pirates 5 is plagued with terrible dialogue. Lines are recycled over and over, exposition is embedded with little effort and subtlety and the sex jokes, lots and lots of cringe worthy, unfunny sex jokes. Sex jokes are practically the back bone of comedy nowadays and can be hilarious, but here the jokes just come off as dirty, like a bunch of dirty old men in a bar recounting "the things I'd do to her." Simply put, it's extremely uncomfortable to watch and hear. The film also features a few pointless characters. From the bald witch lady who is simply there to give Barbossa Jack's compass, to Paul McCartney's Cameo role as Uncle Jack. The film just doesn't need them and they either act as a plot device or a waste of everyone's time.

    Now the visuals, the film was poorly shot. The lighting at night was non existent and the way the camera is positioned for some shots was possibly the single worst place they could have placed the camera, hidden behind objects so the action of focus is distorted/ out of view. Also you can clearly tell where the film is missing a vital shot or just couldn't be bothered to shoot it, as the use of fast cutting and cut away shots are used in an attempt to cover this up, but instead only highlights it and thus confuses the audience. SPOILER WARNING! When Henry is kidnapped by Salazar there is no shot of him being pulled away or anything. A series of fast cuts, Carina's reaction shot to a non existent shot and expositional dialogue of "THEY TOOK HENRY!" is used to present his capture, and frankly it just seems like they spent too much money on Salazar's gravity defying hairdo, that their visual effects budget was bone dry. This happens a fair bit in Pirates 5 and it simply leaves you as confused as Depp appears to be throughout.

    To conclude, Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar's Revenge is by far the worst in the Pirates franchise. A full on parody of what it once was with horrific acting, poorly shot sequences and a script that needs some work done to say the least. I know I've been insanely harsh so, on the off chance that the filmmakers see this, I would like to say the famous line "it's nothing personal, it's just business" whether or not you agree or disagree with me, none of us can deny that the theme tune is absolutely epic and pumps us up every time.
  • After the dreadful predecessor that was 'On Stranger Tides', I entered the cinema with rather poor expectations... how I left with even lower enjoyment is beyond me.

    Perhaps it's the fact that a theme park ride can't sustain a story for an entire film franchise? Maybe it's the fact that I've seen this story before in four other films? Perhaps the lack of character development and me not giving a damn about any of the new characters? Or maybe it's just because it's an orgy of CGI madness? Who knows? Either way, this film is a complete over-the-top mess. Watchable? Yes. Enjoyable? Hell no!

    I admit that 'Dead Man's Chest' and 'At World's End' weren't "fantastic" movies, but they rounded off a rather enjoyable trilogy, especially following the ultimately brilliant first film. But the two sequels' success should not have been an excuse for a fourth and now a fifth film, with each film the reception lowers and the standards and eagerness for the next further lowers. However, Disney as the opportunistic blighters they are, take their box office success with stride and look to creating the next underwhelming, money-making sequel. This time it's in the form of 'Dead Men Tell No Tales'.

    The overuse of jokes we've heard on several previous occasions, the fact that the beloved Jack Sparrow is now becoming a character we look at in contempt because he's worn out, much like the franchise. Scraping the bottom of the barrel, milking upon its previous success... both terms that can be applied suitably to this movie (if that's what I can call it). And do you know what the worst part is? This film will make its money back, it'll double, triple, quadruple its budget in box office returns, thus giving the producers a reason to create yet-another dull sequel.

    All-in-all, I actually think I had an aneurysm whilst watching this film...
  • Please for the love of god stop now. How is it possible for these to continue to get worse, and even more pertinently, why do I continue to see them. For the first time in a very long while I considered walking out of a film, and that was after about 15 minutes. I was bored stupid. They try to continually up the action set pieces in this franchise but just manage to make them more stupid, bombastic and confusing with muddied visuals, terrible pacing and stupidity from the characters. And some director really needs to get hold of Johnny Depp and get him to actually act and not merely caricature his original creation of the first pirates just upping the ticks and foibles. And as for the acting of the rest of the cast, Jesus. Even good actors seem to feel the need to Depp it up in this series, and the two new leads were so wooden they didn't need ships to cross the seas. Add to all that a god awful script full of pathetic dialogue and character motivation with a pee poor story arc and this turd may finally sink the franchise. Here's hoping.
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