23 March 2021 | erisianliberationfront
Half a Movie, With None of the Things in the Title
If I could give this movie zero stars, I would. I watch a lot of bad movies. I've seen both classics and the unheard of. I made an IMDB account to give a different perspective on bad movies, to break down the elements of each film and rate them purely based on how fun they are. Unfortunately the next movie I saw was Steampunk Samurai Biker Chick. This is half a movie at most. Half of the film is blurry stock footage. It's more than a little vague, but I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be the general state of the post apocalypse? It's mostly of a military nature, but also frequently too vague and blurry to be certain. In between the stock footage bulk of the film, there's a vague plot about fuel pirates trying to steal fuel from a comparably vague company. You can tell they're pirates because they wear tricorne hats from Party City. One of the main pirates has a possibly real relationship with one of the fuel drivers. Anyway, on to what there isn't: There is no "steampunk." There is an ostensible post apocalypse, in that way where a cheap "post apocalypse" means chain link fences and sheet metal warehouses. There are no samurai. There are two mall/flea market katanas. There are a few bikers, but our titular chick is not one of them. There are a handful of shots where they use a greenscreen and pretend she's on a motorcycle. You can give it a maximum of half the title if you ignore compound nouns and count any woman as a "chick." On the plus side, this is my new low bar. Every movie, no matter how bad, will always be compared to just over an hour of alternating blurry stock footage meaning nothing and furious hot nonsense that wishes it could be Mad Max in the city.