Sophie: Dude, that man is a serious snag.

Hillary Burns: I know, I know.

Sophie: His on-line dating profile would be so perfect, no one would believe it: "Tall, dark, handsome lawyer who's responsible and financially sound." Please!

Hillary Burns: And I finally have a man to take home for the holidays. I don't have to listen to my mother preach to me about how I'm gonna be a spinster, or a lesbian.

Sophie: Or both.

Hillary Burns: [seeing the family house filled with people] Oh, my god. I thought you said this was family only.

Meredith Burns: Well, I didn't want the whole town to think that you were going to be a spinster forever.

Meredith Burns: Honey, I'm sorry if I seem a little anxious. It's just that I have been deprived of planning the weddings for not one but two of my daughters.

Joy Burns: Here we go!

Meredith Burns: Can't you girls understand that a mother wants to plan her daughters' weddings? Since you were babies I dreamed of this, and then to find out that Trisha eloped to an island.

Meredith Burns: So what's going on with you and Jason?

Hillary Burns: Nothing.

Meredith Burns: My point exactly. For two young lovebirds, I don't see much affection. No kiss. No hug.

Hillary Burns: Mom, he's just not a touchy-feely guy. Don't worry about it.

Meredith Burns: Well, I just want to be able to see your marriage succeed, you know? Most marriages fall apart first in the bedroom. You know, your father and I make love three times a week.

Meredith Burns: [Handing her water glass to a waiter in the Mexican restaurant] Oh, um, I asked for seltzer. This looks like tap water with cheese floating in it.

Meredith Burns: You know your father and I make love three times a week.

Sophie: Ahhh my ears are bleeding!