Kate Ellis: Hey. Lollapazuzu, I'm partying now. You ready for me?

Pazuzu: I've been ready. My safe word is "keep going".

Maura Ellis: [the sisters are clothes shopping for the party] We need a little less Forever 21 and a little more Suddenly 42.

Kate Ellis: Do you have any kids?

Pazuzu: I'm sure I do.

Kate Ellis: We are looking for... to buy drugs.

Pazuzu: What'chu want? I got ketamine, MDMA, Adderall, Bromo-Dragonfly, heroin, coke, crack, codeine, oxys, percs, vikes, PCP, LSD, Dilaudid, mescaline, mushrooms, bath salts, cortisone, Toradol. I got molly. I got her sister Sandra. I got big Frank. I got birth control, I got Plan B. I got that morphine from China they took off the market. Shit to make your dick hard, shit to make your dick soft, shit'll find your dick. That shit there's from Kenya, supposed to be a scurvy cure for silverback gorillas but for humans it just makes them violently masturbate. Did I say crack? because I got more of that, too. I got some Ibuprofen, Aspirin. I got Flintstone Gummies if you want.

James: Is it past the tutu?

Kate Ellis: You're so full of shit, I'm gonna buy you Pull-Ups.

James: [Reading from Maura's Diary] Dear Diary, today I tried a tampon. No thanks, Tom Hanks.

Kate Ellis: You can't start with 'Mony Mony'. That's like starting with anal.

Kate Ellis: What kind of last name is Geernt? Geernt. Sounds like a queef on a yoga ball.

Maura Ellis: [the sisters have visited their parents uninvited only to realize that they are otherwise engaged] Did we just cock block our parents?

Kate Ellis: They were fresh off the sex griddle!

Brinda: Everyone say a non-denominational silent prayer to themselves, please.

James: A house is just a building, home is a feeling.

Alex: Hey I'm sorry, hold on one second, hold on one second.

[Pretends to answer phone call during party]

Alex: Mom?

Hae-Won: Oh, my god!

Alex: Yeah. I'll be right there.

[Onlooking party-goers groan]

Alex: I'm kidding!

[All laughing]

Alex: But thanks for finally laughing, you fucking assholes!

[laughs]

Maura Ellis: I've been thinking...

Kate Ellis: Why?

Kate Ellis: What fresh fuckery is this?

[Brinda has crashed Kate and Maura's party and is talking to James, whom Maura has a crush on]

Kate Ellis: Are you serious? 'Cause I am straight-up baffled.

Brinda: I'm sorry?

Kate Ellis: I believe you called this party "a sad and desperate event"?

Brinda: Well, I just figured I'd pop in and say hello to everyone. I mean, we're all adults now, right?

Kate Ellis: Nice try. On your bike, bitch.

Maura Ellis: [whimpers]

Kate Ellis: Get your peanut butter outta my sister's chocolate.

Brinda: Wow.

Kate Ellis: I respect your jumpsuit, but not its contents. Hit it.

Pazuzu: Fuck this shit! I'm not going to work tomorrow. TSA can kiss my ass!

Maura Ellis: Can I borrow me your bathroom? Number one only.

Brinda: Winter is coming, bitches!

Alex: I can feel my hair growing!

Maura Ellis: We are on the way to a shelter to give people this party food.

Brinda: Oh, is that why you're dressed like the homeless?

Maura Ellis: How can one person have two colonoscopy stories?

Kate Ellis: I'm not a hothead, I'm brassy!

Kate Ellis: There's a drunk, blind guy swinging a gun around!

Maura Ellis: I don't wear thongs. I have a very fussy taint.

Alex: Okay, guys, can you guess who I am? Ready? "You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!"

Liz: Cheech! No, Chong.

Alex: No, no, no. "Say hello to my little friend!"

[sprays glue gun]

Rob: Tim Allen.

Maura's Patient: No, I don't need lotion in there!

Maura Ellis: [Shushes] Yeah, you do need lotion in there.

Maura Ellis: Blue? What would possess a person to paint stained wood blue? What, were you raised on a tugboat?

Mr. Geernt: My apologies. I was worried you were having a party, but I see now you really are having a wake.

[Unrated version only]

Kate Ellis: Oh, I'm so sorry that you couldn't get laid for the last five millionth time in your life.

Maura Ellis: Oh, I get! I get my fucking dick when I want to.

Kate Ellis: I know you get tons of dick!

Maura Ellis: Just not tonight and not recently.

Kate Ellis: Mmmm-hmmm.

Kate Ellis: You know, I never met a Brayla before.

Brayla: I know like three.

Kate Ellis: Oh, so you're trending. God bless.

Maura Ellis: E-A-T... S-H-I-T.

Maura EllisKate Ellis: Fuck the haters!

Kelly: We did it, you guys. We stopped time!

Maura Ellis: [Policeman writes on his note pad] Why don't you write this on your notepad. E.A.T...

[Policeman starts writing]

Maura Ellis: S.H.I.T...

Kate Ellis: Okay! Oh My GOD!

Kate Ellis: Kelly. Your profile pic is a low-fat Mexican casserole.

Kelly: [unashamed] Yeah. It is.

Kate Ellis: I wish being gay was a choice, because I always did like that shorts and boots look.

Maura Ellis: Yeah I dunno, for me the deal breaker might be the eating of the pussy.

Kate Ellis: Oh really? 'Cause for me, it would just be the fucking unbearable amount of talking.

Kate Ellis: We're grown-ups! We don't have to clean up after ourselves.

[Unrated edition only]

Kate Ellis: Why don't you go drive yourself to fucking Petco and find a fucking husband? Or go breastfeed a squirrel, you sad excuse for a woman.