Maura Ellis: [the sisters are clothes shopping for the party] We need a little less Forever 21 and a little more Suddenly 42.
Kate Ellis: We are looking for... to buy drugs.
Pazuzu: What'chu want? I got ketamine, MDMA, Adderall, Bromo-Dragonfly, heroin, coke, crack, codeine, oxys, percs, vikes, PCP, LSD, Dilaudid, mescaline, mushrooms, bath salts, cortisone, Toradol. I got molly. I got her sister Sandra. I got big Frank. I got birth control, I got Plan B. I got that morphine from China they took off the market. Shit to make your dick hard, shit to make your dick soft, shit'll find your dick. That shit there's from Kenya, supposed to be a scurvy cure for silverback gorillas but for humans it just makes them violently masturbate. Did I say crack? because I got more of that, too. I got some Ibuprofen, Aspirin. I got Flintstone Gummies if you want.
James: Is it past the tutu?
Kate Ellis: You're so full of shit, I'm gonna buy you Pull-Ups.
James: [Reading from Maura's Diary] Dear Diary, today I tried a tampon. No thanks, Tom Hanks.
Kate Ellis: You can't start with 'Mony Mony'. That's like starting with anal.
Kate Ellis: What kind of last name is Geernt? Geernt. Sounds like a queef on a yoga ball.
Brinda: Everyone say a non-denominational silent prayer to themselves, please.
James: A house is just a building, home is a feeling.
Alex: Hey I'm sorry, hold on one second, hold on one second.
[Pretends to answer phone call during party]
Hae-Won: Oh, my god!
Alex: Yeah. I'll be right there.
[Onlooking party-goers groan]
Alex: I'm kidding!
Alex: But thanks for finally laughing, you fucking assholes!
Kate Ellis: What fresh fuckery is this?
[Brinda has crashed Kate and Maura's party and is talking to James, whom Maura has a crush on]
Kate Ellis: Are you serious? 'Cause I am straight-up baffled.
Brinda: I'm sorry?
Kate Ellis: I believe you called this party "a sad and desperate event"?
Brinda: Well, I just figured I'd pop in and say hello to everyone. I mean, we're all adults now, right?
Kate Ellis: Nice try. On your bike, bitch.
Maura Ellis: [whimpers]
Kate Ellis: Get your peanut butter outta my sister's chocolate.
Kate Ellis: I respect your jumpsuit, but not its contents. Hit it.
Pazuzu: Fuck this shit! I'm not going to work tomorrow. TSA can kiss my ass!
Maura Ellis: Can I borrow me your bathroom? Number one only.
Brinda: Winter is coming, bitches!
Alex: I can feel my hair growing!
Maura Ellis: How can one person have two colonoscopy stories?
Kate Ellis: I'm not a hothead, I'm brassy!
Kate Ellis: There's a drunk, blind guy swinging a gun around!
Maura Ellis: I don't wear thongs. I have a very fussy taint.
Maura Ellis: Blue? What would possess a person to paint stained wood blue? What, were you raised on a tugboat?
Mr. Geernt: My apologies. I was worried you were having a party, but I see now you really are having a wake.
Maura Ellis: E-A-T... S-H-I-T.
Kelly: We did it, you guys. We stopped time!
Kate Ellis: We're grown-ups! We don't have to clean up after ourselves.
[Unrated edition only]
Kate Ellis: Why don't you go drive yourself to fucking Petco and find a fucking husband? Or go breastfeed a squirrel, you sad excuse for a woman.