24 September 2012 | jessica-timpone
Resident Evil: No One Has to Reload EVER
All I can say is, "Stop." Just please stop. No more. Alice, shut up. We know your name is Alice. Enough. We're 5 movies in now and it hasn't gone anywhere and it's not going anywhere. It's not even enough eye candy for fans of the games. I blame myself for being a glutton for punishment I guess; I've seen all the Resident Evil movies so far so I guess I'm in for the long haul. An overlong-haul. The fact that I'm a huge fan of the games unfortunately doesn't help when passing judgment on the movies. Retribution is, in my opinion, the worst one to date. The story is just, for lack of a more sophisticated word, DUMB. *Spoilers to follow*An underground facility that uses clones to recreate outbreaks? Sounds like a huge waste of time and resources to me. And the reasoning behind having said facility? To show China what the outbreak would look like in the United States. To show Japan what the outbreak would look like in Russia. Really? You mean you couldn't just put a zombie in a room with 4 people and show them what happens? Or at least a computer simulation? Much more cost effective. Having a big dumb facility just makes for having a lot of big dumb plot holes and questions. With all of those clones running around down there, you mean to tell me you can't just repopulate the human race? How do you keep having enough clothes to clothe them all? Who cleans up the bloody messes after each simulation? Why does Wesker have a change of heart all of a sudden for the human race and wants Alice to help save it? Wasn't he hell-bent on trying to kill everyone in the last movie Resident Evil: I'm Lost? Why does Umbrella have a supply of leather costumes for Alice? Why doesn't anyone have to reload ever? Leon's not using the Chicago Typewriter and I don't see anyone shooting any BSAA emblems, so according to all reasoning ever, guns need to be reloaded occasionally. Why didn't Alice just F'n recognize the ridiculously OBVIOUS glowing "bad-guy" looking scarab on Jill's chest? HEY! That must be her source of evil! WHERE IS CHRIS AND CLAIRE REDFIELD? Whose bright idea was it to have a deaf clone?! THE LIST GOES ON AND ON!!!!!! Call this movie Resident Evil: Plot Holes. Although we love seeing our favorite characters and subtle nods towards the games, we don't appreciate them being utterly stupid. Please do it right otherwise you're doing us a disservice. Throwing in new characters doesn't do them justice. I'm really glad you included Leon so he could have such a stimulating conversation with Alice. "I'm not letting you pass," "Let me pass," "Ok." And THAT WAS BARRY?! Seriously? Oh good, you gave him a Colt Python, so he's automatically Barry. Ada was at least legit; everything about her was right, if nothing else in the movie. Here they mentioned Las Plagas. According to this movie, Las Plagas are steroids you can inject into your Michelle Rodriguez to make her do X-Ray punches to people's hearts a-la the new Mortal Kombat. I'd much rather see her turn into a "head sprouter" than seeing her juiced up on 'roids. We've seen Girl Fight already. You know what, I'd rather just not see her at all, because she is in no way important. Oh, and hi Luther, I'm glad you survived the last movie and mysteriously teamed up with Leon. It's so important that you survived because you're such an integral part in this one...oh no
now you're dead. Great job. Everything about this movie is just stupid. I didn't see it in 3D thank God, but I'm sure that sucked too. It's time to just scrap the franchise. Matter of fact, it was time to scrap it 3 movies ago. Just make a REAL Resident Evil movie for the love of everything holy. Going in, you know the movie is bad, so I got what I deserved, but my God, I didn't think the franchise could actually get any worse. The bright side? This movie hit rock bottom so the next one couldn't possibly any worse
or could it?