30 April 2013 | Arogath_Oblivion
Vapid, worthless fluff. Keeping suicide hotlines busy.
"This show makes my whole family laugh, one liners are great. Positive values. FAMILY. POSITIVE VALUES, FAMILY. ONE LINERS. THIS SHOW IS GREAT MY FAMILY HAS THE COLLECTIVE IQ OF AN EGGPLANT, HUEHUEHE SO FUNNI", is what I'd say if I were other people apparently. No, this show is not a positive influence for kids. It's not well written, it's not well acted, it isn't well anything.
It follows the painfully boring, melodramatic life of an infantile, snide, vain and most intolerable harpy, even by the standards of teenaged girls; Tess. You may ask yourself why I dislike this fictional character with such vigor, and I shall tell you. Perhaps if this person were able to deliver her lines without talking as though she were doing a spot on impression of a person with down syndrome trying to tell a joke to their uninterested caretaker, I'd be a little more accepting of the sewage brought forth from her gullet hole. But no, this girl has taken "annoying" to such extreme heights that I feel genuine rage at her existence. Every other sentence from her mouth, or any of the characters mouths really, is an ill-attempt at a forced bit of humor accompanied by that damnable laugh track. When she isn't awkwardly and obnoxiously attempting comedy, she's being a terrible selfish person in general, and with the exception of the father perhaps, so is everyone else. As any tween show it's tinged with "moral lessons" every episode, most of which are either stupid or so excruciatingly obvious that the painful experience of watching this carnival of inbreds was hardly worth the reward.
The acting is among the worst I have ever seen, every person feels artificial and contrived without a hint of soul or personality. So much so it even gives Tyler Perry's infamously grotesque sitcoms a run for their money. Tess will make you hate women and her brothers will act as the most potent and convincing case for contraception since honey boo boo child. This filth now passes for entertainment apparently, and was even rated a 10 by the buffoon reviewer somewhere adjacent to me. If you're reading this, you slack-jawed knuckle sucker, I hope the shame you feel from this puts you in an early grave, if suffocating in a sandwich bag or inhaling paint fumes doesn't get you first. If this show is truly deserving of a 10, I do believe we owe Uwe Boll some Academy Awards.