Cranked (2010)

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Paige is an assassin whose been poisoned by mob boss Chilli Manilli who wants Paige out of the picture. To stay alive Paige must have sex to keep the adrenaline going to suppress the poison.


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13 July 2011 | lor_
Ripoff, not parody
A relatively new porn outfit, Bluebird Films, is making hay with the execrable genre of XXX parodies, notably a version of BATMAN. This chintzy ripoff of the Jason Statham series is pure filler.

"Marc Twain", an instant hack who was upgraded here to director after serving as a.d. on BATFXXX: DARK KNIGHT PARODY, has an attractive cast (heavy on the silicone) and apes the flashy editing/music video style of the Statham originals, but on a cheapie budget fails to deliver the action. I mean action of an Action movie form, not the usual sex "action".

Busty Paige Ashley with British accent is a thoroughly lame heroine, going through her paces in place of Statham. As Paige (natch), she's injected with "Chinese sh*t" by villainess Chilli Manilli (attractive & buxom Dylan Ryder). As gal pal Dr. Love (easy on the eyes Anna Locato) tells her, she's got to keep her heart rate up and get noradrenaline at the hospital to survive, even for the two hours it'll take the stuff to kill her.

That's the excuse for having Paige running all over a seedy section of L.A. -yes, heart exercise spells CHEAP. (No car driving or chase scenes at all.) This being a particularly stupid porn video, she first takes time out (at least 15 minutes) for lesbian sex with the good doc.

Running to the hospital she poses as a nurse and has a three-way with a male doc and nurse Sunny Lane (the cutie who has the only natural chest in the show). She also gets an injection of noradrenaline.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, or rather Chilli's mansion, Manilli's interviewing that overworked porn performer Tommy Gunn (the poor XXX man's William Smith) and after humping him (alongside ultra-big bust Latina Bridgette B. as her henchwoman Pepper) in a threesome, he's hired as an "extinguisher" to finish Paige off for good.

Paige goes to a gentleman's club in search of Chilli, but finds sex there instead, with an unusual servicing by a big-dicked oriental guy played by Ken Styles (he apparently is the only game in town for this sort of mixed-combo scene). This is another foursome, as the previous Gunn scene had a couple of other girls participating.

Arriving at Chilli's mansion, Paige gets the drop on two henchmen, but inexplicably (actually, I do know the answer, it's porn) services them, killing off more time. Meanwhile, Chilli is servicing a new supplier Mr. Sheen (not making fun of Martin, for sure) who's sold her new drugs called Shanghai Poison. After the money shots die down, Chilli escapes in her sports car.

Final showdown is set at a chop shop with Paige shooting people with her finger instead of a gun (don't ask me how, they don't bother to explain this fantasy/sci-fi gimmick). A big gun battle erupts (with typically poor SPFX for the visual "blasts") and Gunn the Extinguisher inexplicably is now on Paige's side. Non-ending makes no sense whatsoever, just tossed in so they could leave the door WIDE open for a dreaded sequel.

Pug-nosed Paige Ashley is also the executive producer of this mess, a possible explanation for her casting. Her breasts are so fake looking I thought she was wearing a rubber prosthetic. Not so the villainess Ryder -a lovely Jennifer Connelly type who swayed me over to the dark side almost immediately. For huge boobs fans, Bridgette B. more than delivered the goods. She has a great future in front of her!

Kim Burton (hopefully a pseudonym) takes credit for a CGI heart effect that is really cheesy, as we see inside Paige's chest every reel or so. I was afraid they were going to do an on-screen silicone injection operation to pump her up to Score Magazine status.

Sunny Lane and Riley Evans are two beautiful superstars who briefly liven up the porn content, but basically the downside of the original films (all flash, no content, with frequent silliness) is retained and none of the good points. When the current satire craze blows over, this will be one of hundreds of ephemeral artifacts that will permanently be thrown on the trash heap of film, no strike that!, video history.

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Release Date:

16 November 2010



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