- [from trailer]
- Alan: My name's Alan and I bought a giraffe! Oh, my life is perfect!
- [causes a car crash]
- Phil: Damn it! I left my phone in the Minivan.
- Alan: Oh Phil, I have that find my phone app.
- Phil: Alan, we have bigger problems than that at the moment.
- Stu: No wait. If Chow has the minivan and your phone is in the minivan that means your phone is with Chow.
- Alan: Stu, you heard Phil. We have bigger problems than that.
- Alan: You don't get it Stu. You. Just. Don't. Get It. I have over 60 apps on that phone. Do you know how much time and manhours it would take to redownload those apps?
- Mr. Chow: Hey Chubster, I'll call you in a week. We'll get together.
- Alan: No, Leslie. We can't be friends anymore.
- Mr. Chow: What?
- Alan: You're not good for me. It's not healthy.
- Mr. Chow: Alan, you're not thinking straight. Lets just talk tomorrow.
- Alan: Leslie, you're one of the coolest and nicest guys I've ever met. And you're smart. And you're funny. And everybody loves you.
- Mr. Chow: Alan, what is this?
- Alan: It's just that when we get together bad things happen and people get hurt.
- Mr. Chow: Yeah, that's the point. It's funny.
- Alan: Well, I got to make some changes in my life, and this is one of them. I'm sorry.
- Alan: Farewell, Leslie Chow.
- [the Wolf Pack wake up in a honeymoon suite]
- Stu: [sees he has implants] I have boobies now!
- Cassie: [laughs] Oh my God...
- Phil: [laughs] Holy shit!
- Stu: It's not funny! Alan, what did you do? What did you do, Alan?
- Alan: The wedding cake... it was from Leslie...
- [Chow enters, naked and brandishing a sword]
- Mr. Chow: [laughs] We had a sick night, bitches!
- [the monkey jumps back on Stu]
- Marshall: Doug is my insurance. He stays with me. You don't get me Chow, I blow his brains out. You go to the cops, I blow his brains out.
- Phil: But, that's insane! We don't even know where the fuck he is!
- Marshall: Nobody does, but I figure the Wolf Pack has the best chance of finding him. You have three days. Get to work.
- Alan: Can you take Stu instead?
- Stu: Fuck you, Alan!
- [Marshall brings Stu, Phil, and Alan to his villa]
- Marshall: Leslie Chow never lived here. You didn't break into his old house, you broke into MY house.
- Phil: I don't understand.
- Marshall: You didn't get back the gold he stole from me. You got the other half that he didn't.
- Stu: Oh, my GOD!
- Phil: You mean the half he never had?
- Marshall: He's a world-class rat, and you 3 were his accomplices.
- Stu: We had no idea!
- Phil: We were trying to help you! We thought you'd be happy!
- Marshall: [sarcastically] Thank you so much! Thank you for ripping me off! Thank you for desecrating my home! And THANK YOU FOR KILLING MY FUCKING DOGS!
- Stu: We didn't kill your dogs! They're just tranquilized.
- Marshall: Oh, right. You don't know. Chow snapped their necks on his way out.
- Stu: What?
- Black Doug: And somebody's gotta pay.
- Marshall: He's right.
- [points his gun at the Dougs]
- Doug: No no no no, NO!
- [Marshall shoots Black Doug and his body splashes into the pool]
- Marshall: My head of security, couldn't stop 3 fuck-ups and a Chinaman with a pair of wire cutters. Unreal.
- Sid: [on the phone] Yes, sir. Absolutely, I will. Thank you so much. No, of course. No no and again, I'm so sorry.
- [hangs up the phone and sits down with Alan]
- Sid: That was the mayor, Alan.
- Alan: It was an accident.
- [pause]
- Alan: You'd said you'd always love me no matter what I did.
- Sid: I know and I do. You're my best friend, but Alan, why would you buy a giraffe?
- Alan: I always wanted one. I can feed him from my treehouse. Besides, they remind me a lot of myself.
- Sid: In what way?
- Alan: They're majestic, pensive, and tall.
- Sid: Pensive.
- Alan: Yeah!
- Sid: Where'd you learn that word?
- Alan: Words with Friends.
- Sid: What friends, Alan?
- Alan: You can set it on random.
- Sid: [sighs] Alan, aside from the fact that you shut down a freeway, you murdered a wild animal. It's national news. You don't wanna know the cheques I had to write to fix this.
- Alan: Oh please, we're rich!
- Sid: We are not anything, Alan. I am well-off. You are my 40-year-old son...
- Alan: I'M 42!
- Sid: 40...
- Alan: I'M 42!
- Sid: 42-year-old son who still lives at home. You are to go back on your medication or I'm cutting you off.
- Alan: You're bluffing. When's dinner?
- Sid: Your mother and I can't take this any more!
- Alan: Oh, you might have to.
- Sid: I can't do it! I cannot do this!
- [Alan puts on Dre Beats, listening to "My Life" by Billy Joel, as his father has a heart and his mother and nanny panics]
- Linda: ALAN! ALAN!
- [to Phil, about Alan]
- Stu: That place in Arizona's not going to help him. There is no facility that can fix this guy. We're going to spend the rest of our lives dealing with him, because we're all he has now. You realize that? We're it!
- Stu: You just saw a man get murdered, your brother in law is kidnapped. Are you sure there is nothing worse?
- Alan: You don't get it Stu. You just don't get it do you? I have over 60 apps on that phone! What if I lost my phone? Do you know how much time and man hours it would take to redownload those apps?
- Stu: [Sarcastically] You are right. I didn't think about that, thank you.
- Alan: [delivering a eulogy] I can't believe my daddy is dead. I can think of so many people I would rather have died first, like my mother.
- Alan: Hey, Stu. I don't enjoy talking to you that way. I don't know why you insist on making me blow my top. We've been on a lot of adventures together. But it seems like you haven't learned anythin. Anythin!
- Sid: [Sid throws down the phone] That was the Mayor, Alan.
- Alan: It was an accident. You said you love me no matter what I did.
- Sid: I know and I do. You're my best friend but Alan why would you buy a giraffe?
- Alan: I always wanted one! Could feed him from my tree house. Besides they remind me a lot of myself.
- Sid: In what way?
- Alan: They're majestic. Pensive and tall.
- Sid: Pensive?
- Alan: Yeah!
- Sid: Where did you learn that word?
- Alan: Rhymes with friends.
- Sid: What friends Alan?
- Alan: You can say it on random.
- Sid: Alan aside from the fact that you shut down a freeway, you murdered a wild animal. It's national news. You don't want to know the checks I had to write to fix this!
- Alan: Oh please! We're rich!
- Sid: We're not anything Alan! I am well off! You are my 40 year old son...
- Alan: 42!
- Sid: ...42 year old son who still lives at home! You either go back on your medication or I'm cutting you off!
- Alan: You're bluffing. When 's dinner?
- Sid: You're mother and I can't take it anymore!
- Mr. Chow: [hang-gliding off of Caeser's Palace] I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the sky! Think about it every night and day! Spread my wings and fly away!
- Alan: [sees Black Doug] Hey, you're Black Doug! That's Black Doug!
- Black Doug: Shut the fuck up with that. Shut the fuck up.
- Stu: Oh my God. It is. Alan, tell me right now why is Black Doug kidnapping us?
- Black Doug: I said don't call me that shit no more! It ain't Alan's fault.
- Alan: Thank you, Black Doug.
- Black Doug: Ooh! Mother fuck...! I will... Fucker!
- Alan, Phil: Doug! Okay, okay. Just Doug, okay?
- Phil: Why are you doing this?
- Marshall: Because
- [pauses]
- Marshall: I told him to. I'm Marshall. And whether you know it or not, we all have something in common, and it all started four years ago, when this moron sold the wrong drugs to this dumb fuck.
- [to Alan]
- Marshall: You have no idea the chain of events that were set in motion that night. In the parking lot of a fucking liquor store.