Lloyd Christmas: Hey, Har. You wanna hear the second most annoying sound in the world?

Harry Dunne: Sure.

[constantly rings the doorbell]

Harry Dunne: Yeah, that's pretty annoying.

Lloyd Christmas: No, not that.

Mrs. Stainer: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING RINGING OUR DOORBELL LIKE THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?

Lloyd Christmas: That!

Harry Dunne: Whoa! Lloyd! Check out the hotties at 12 o'clock.

Lloyd Christmas: That's almost three hours away. Can't I check them out now?

Harry Dunne: [Going through his extremely old mail left at his childhood home] Whoa. I got accepted at Arizona State.

Harry Dunne: I'm his associate, Dr. Christmas.

Dr. Meldmann: Ah. Christmas, like the holiday?

Lloyd Christmas: No, Like the tree.

Harry Dunne: Lloyd, did you say something? That's it, kid. You can do it. Come on! Come on, come on, come on! Spit it out!

Lloyd Christmas: GOT YA!

Harry Dunne: Wh- Wh- Wh- What-What-What?

Lloyd Christmas: You should see the look on your face! I got you so good!

Harry Dunne: W- W- W- Wait, wait. Wait a second! Are you telling me that you were faking for 20 years?

Lloyd Christmas: Uh-huh.

Harry Dunne: So you mean you just wasted the best years of your life.

Lloyd Christmas: Out the window.

Harry Dunne: And you let me come here every Wednesday for like a thousand weeks and it was all just for a gag?

Lloyd Christmas: Uh-huh!

Harry Dunne: That's... awesome!

Harry Dunne: How many days are in April?

Lloyd Christmas: 30 days have September, all the rest I can't remember

Harry Dunne: Must be 31 because nothing rhymes with August

Lloyd Christmas: Nah I think it's 32 Harry. April's a leap month

Lloyd ChristmasHarry Dunne: [to Dr. Walcott] Show us your tits!

Harry Dunne: Both of 'em!

Lloyd Christmas: Hey, who's this?

Harry Dunne: That's Butthole. I found him out in the alley.

Lloyd Christmas: Why did you name him Butthole?

Harry Dunne: Oh. 'Cause of this.

[shows the cat's butthole]

Lloyd Christmas: Oh, yeah. Good name. Totally fits.

Harry Dunne: Wait a minute. I know what you're up to mister. You wanna stay 'cause you're hot for my daughter.

Lloyd Christmas: What?

Harry Dunne: Am I right?

Lloyd Christmas: What?

Harry Dunne: Am I right?

Lloyd Christmas: That's insane!

Captain Lippencott: Where is the invention? WHERE IS THE GODDAMN BILLION DOLLAR INVENTION!

Lloyd Christmas: Hey, you guys want to play "He Who Smelt It"?

Harry Dunne: Yeah.

Travis: What's that?

Lloyd Christmas: It's complicated, so pay attention. We put the windows up, first one who smells a fart gets a point. If you say who dealt it, double points.

Harry Dunne: But if you say you smelled a fart and nobody farted, like if we were passing a slaughterhouse.

Lloyd Christmas: False fart!

Harry Dunne: You lose a point. And you can't smell your own farts either.

Travis: What, are you kidding? No! No! I'm not gonna sit around sniffin' you guys's farts like some kind of truffle pig. Forget it!

Harry Dunne: Okay, fine. Lloyd and I will play one-on-one.

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, head-to-head.

Travis: How can you play one-on-one? If you smell a fart, and you didn't do it, isn't it obvious the other guy did?

Lloyd Christmas: I thought you said you never played before.

Harry Dunne: Yeah. Sound like he wrote the rule book.

Lloyd Christmas: I think we might have a hustler, Har.

Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd notices Harry has a meth dealer in their apartment] Who's the astronaut?

Harry Dunne: Oh, that's my new roommate.

Lloyd Christmas: [Shocked and slightly disappointed] Roommate? You have a new roommate?

Harry Dunne: Well, I mean, I had to get someone to pay half of the rent while you were in hospital. How's it going, Ice Pick?

Ice Pick: [Sarcastically] Best day ever. Greatest day of my life, really.

Harry Dunne: Pick cooks up a rock candy that'll make you dizzy. Folks come from all over the city to buy it.

Lloyd Christmas: It's burning my eyes. Must be Cajun style,

Harry Dunne: Okay, Dr. Picasso, what's your definition of sex?

Fraida Felcher: Well...

[whispers to Harry and Lloyd]

Lloyd Christmas: No way! That's just... Not my mom! Ew!

Harry Dunne: But that's where she pees!

Lloyd Christmas: It's in my head, and I can't unlearn it! You're bad!

Harry Dunne: Can you show us?

Lloyd Christmas: I call sloppy seconds.

Lloyd Christmas: Legs are a little rubbery after all that time sitting here. Why don't you roll me inside? We'll get the nurse take the catheter out of me. I wanna see if my lizard's still spitting straight.

Harry Dunne: We don't need nurses for that. I know how to do it.

Lloyd Christmas: Don't you have to...

[Harry pulls on the catheter, yanking Lloyd off the wheelchair]

Lloyd Christmas: Oh, God!

Harry Dunne: That things really taken root!

Harry Dunne: Lloyd? I think that was her "gran-gina."

Mrs. Snergle: That's right. So you can cross that one off your bucket list.

Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd meets the now adult Billy 4C for the first time in 20 years] Hey Billy! I hear you got a lot of flockin' birds!

Billy: Is that you, Lloyd?

Lloyd Christmas: Very good. I didn't think you'd recognize me after all these years. So what you been up to, buddy boy? Seen any good movies lately?

[Harry nudges him]

Lloyd Christmas: I mean, you know, like, on the radio?

Billy: [Lloyd feeds some of Billy's parrots candy] What was that? Did you just feed them something?

Lloyd Christmas: Relax. Just a little candy.

Billy: You can't feed candy to birds! They're stomachs'll explode!

Lloyd Christmas: Even if it's just a few Pop Rocks?

Billy: Are you crazy? Pick those up! Pick 'em up!

Lloyd Christmas: All right, all right! Sheesh. Well, nice catching up. See you later.

Billy: Not If I see you first!

Lloyd Christmas: Ha-ha! Good one!

Billy: No, no, no. It's okay, Siskel. Daddy's not going to let them get anywhere near you.

Lloyd ChristmasHarry Dunne: [Together at once] BOOGA!

[the pair frighten Billy]

Lloyd Christmas: See? I told you that hearing thing was a wives' tail.

Lloyd Christmas: [Harry and Lloyd mistake Freida as her daughter] Suck me sideways!

Harry Dunne: You're the spitting image of her!

Fraida Felcher: You morons! This is the return address. Her's is on the side with the stamp.

Lloyd Christmas: But it's still uncanny!

Harry Dunne: Boy, I sure wish I could have been there when she was little.

Lloyd Christmas: Whatever. That's all water under the fridge now, Har. Think of the bright side. You're finally getting to meet her, and you never had to change those poopy diapers.

Harry Dunne: That's called being a parent, Lloyd. Besides, I changed your poopy diapers for 20 years.

Lloyd Christmas: I totally sucked you in. Half the time, it wasn't even my poop.

[after Mrs. Snergle convinces Lloyd there are "diamonds" under her blanket]

Lloyd Christmas: Did you hide them inside this turkey?

Mrs. Snergle: Yeah, right.

[starts moaning]

Lloyd Christmas: [wiggling his arm] Wait. There's no diamonds here.

Mrs. Snergle: [sternly] And you're not my grandson!

Harry's Dad: We love you, Harry.

Lloyd Christmas: Do you love him long time?

Trucker's Pal: Kick his ass, Sea Bass!

[first lines]

Asylum Nurse No. 1: There he is again.

Asylum Nurse #2: Almost two decades and he still comes.

Asylum Nurse No. 1: So sad.

Harry Dunne: Mr Stainer, Mrs Stainer so nice to see you.

Mr. Stainer: Harry, Lloyd. To what do we the owe the honour at this late hour gentlemen?

Lloyd Christmas: We were just wondering if Pee Stain wanted to come out for some suds snd maybe having his ass handed to him in a couple of games of Dig Dug.

Mr. Stainer: Lloyd. Peter is dead.

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah right. Since when?

Mr. Stainer: Since 1991. Remember?

Lloyd Christmas: The motorcycle accident? But I thought he pulled through. The obituary said he was survived by his parents.

Mr. Stainer: No he did mot pull through.

Lloyd Christmas: Are you sure?

Mr. Stainer: Yes.

[Shows the duo a poster of their late son]

Lloyd Christmas: You guys are right. Anyway sorry about that whole thing. Pee Stain and I were close friends.

Mr. Stainer: Yeah we know. You were the one who sold him the motorcycle.

Lloyd Christmas: And if I recall I made him a sweet deal. My bike for his helmet straight up. That thing was a rocket. A little squirrelly on the corners, and when you got on it straight away...

Mr. Stainer: Good night Lloyd. Good night Harry.

Harry Dunne: I don't know about this, Lloyd. I haven't been home for over 20 years.

Lloyd Christmas: Come on, Harry! You need a genital organ match. They're your parents.

Harry Dunne: I'm not gonna go crawling back to them, Lloyd. Not after what they did to me.

Lloyd Christmas: What'd they do?

Harry Dunne: They threw me out of the house.

Lloyd Christmas: Why?

Harry Dunne: Just 'cause I told them I was gay.

Lloyd Christmas: Why'd you tell them that?

Harry Dunne: I was sick of mowing the lawn.

Lloyd Christmas: Cheers!

Fraida Felcher: Whoa! Wait. Where'd you get that?

Lloyd Christmas: The Slurpee machine in the back.

Fraida Felcher: That's embalming fluid.

Lloyd Christmas: Oh. Does it have aspartame?

Fraida Felcher: No.

Lloyd Christmas: Cool.

Dr. Pinchelow: You know, I always wondered what Penny's natural father was like. When my late wife and I adopted her, we didn't have much information her birth parents. We were told her mother was single, and that she was... Well...

Adele: You can say it, dear. She was rumored to be a titanic whore.

Harry Dunne: That's a lie! Fraida never stepped foot on the Titanic!

Lloyd Christmas: You must be talking about the time she did the night crew on the Block Island Ferry.

Dr. Pinchelow: I know she will appreciate all the trouble you have come to find her. Let's call her.

[Hands over to Harry his cellphone]

Harry Dunne: It's ringing!

Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd answers Penny's discarded cellphone] Whoever this is, we're in the middle of something very important here.

Harry Dunne: [Oblivious Lloyd is speaking] This is your Dad!

Lloyd Christmas: [to Penny's foster parents] Guys I know this is weird timing but I got to take this. It's my dead Dad!

Harry Dunne: [Lloyd is in a catatonic state at a mental hospital] Come on, Lloyd. You gotta get over her. Mary Samsonite was just a girl. Besides, she's married. And even if it had worked out, would you really want ginger babies? Gross

Harry Dunne: Let me ask you something Freida. If I'm not Penny's father and Lloyd's not her father then who's her father?

Fraida Felcher: Funny you should ask.

[to Penny]

Fraida Felcher: Honey how would uou like to meet some relatives?

[Points towards the Stainers]

Lloyd Christmas: Mr Stainer? I should have known. You horny old goat!

Fraida Felcher: No Lloyd. Mr Stainer is Penny's grandfather.

Harry Dunne: You mean Pee Stain's the dad?

Lloyd Christmas: Duh!

Lloyd Christmas: Wow. Think about it. If I hadn't sold that crotch rocket to Pee Stain, you wouldn't have a bastard child who's gonna save your life.

Harry Dunne: God's got a pretty warped sense of humor, huh?

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah. I bet he smokes weed. Otherwise, why he put our testicles outside our bodies, where someone can do this?

[hits Harry in his crotch]

Fraida Felcher: Look, guys. It's me. Fraida Felcher.

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, right. Like we'd be fighting over those blowfish jowls. No offense.

Fraida Felcher: Harry, Lloyd, I'm gonna say this one more time. I'm Fraida.

Lloyd Christmas: [whispers to Harry] Tattoo.

Harry Dunne: Oh, yeah. Then show us your tattoo. 'Cause Fraida had a cute little smiley face on her back, right above her bikini line. Well?

[Fraida shows her tattoo]

Harry Dunne: Hmm. It's close.

Lloyd Christmas: Mmm.

[Fraida pushes up the smiley face]

Lloyd Christmas: Oh. Hi, Fraida.

Harry Dunne: Oh, hey! How ya been?

Lloyd Christmas: Have you been doing yoga?

Harry Dunne: That's weird. The smell of peanuts makes my weenie cold.

Lloyd Christmas: It shrank mine.

Lloyd Christmas: Harry, holy cow. I'm worried about you. You're as deaf as a bat.

Harry Dunne: That's not exactly how it happened, Lloyd. Your mother got into bed with me.

Dr. Meldmann: Okay, may I ask you a question, doctor. And I don't mean to be insensitive. But, uh, does Dr. Pinchelow have Aspergers?

Lloyd Christmas: Probably. I know he doesn't wipe real well.

Harry Dunne: Wow. Great accent, Doc. Where you from?

Dr. Walcott: England. Surrey.

Harry Dunne: Oh, no need to apologize. That was years ago. We kicked your butt anyway, so we're cool with it.

Harry Dunne: Mrs. P. What are you doing here?

Dr. Walcott: Do you always call your wife Mrs. P?

Harry Dunne: Oh. Uh - How you doin', sugar tits? I missed ya.

Captain Lippencott: Why are you standing in the toilet?

Harry Dunne: So you wouldn't see my feet.

Captain Lippencott: Why not just stand on the rim?

Harry Dunne: There's ball hairs all over that thing. I'm not stupid.

Fraida Felcher: Yeah, but, Lloyd, Lloyd. She isn't your daughter either.

Lloyd Christmas: Nice try, Fraida. But Penny read me the letter. I know all about Oyster Swallow Cove, which is exactly where you took me in the van!

Fraida Felcher: So? That was my spot. I must've taken hundred of guys there. What can I say. I was a titanic whore.

Fraida Felcher: So, guys, there's still one thing I don't understand. How could either of you have possibly thought that you were Penny's father?

Harry Dunne: Well, why wouldn't we?

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah!

Fraida Felcher: Because we never had sex.

Lloyd Christmas: Oh. Yeah. Well, you could've fooled us.

Harry Dunne: Yeah, nice try, Snow White. Does the word "hot tub" jog your memory? If I recall, I played with your boobies for a long time that night. The mother boat, the windshield wipers, the punching bag.

Fraida Felcher: You know Harry, you can't get a woman pregnant by manhandling her breasts.

Harry Dunne: Oh, really? Well, then, why'd your doorbells get so hard?

Lloyd Christmas: Yeah. And did you forget about the French tickler in the back of the van?

Fraida Felcher: Putting a frilly glow-in-the-dark condom on your finger is not the same as having sex.

Lloyd Christmas: What if I go like this?

Lloyd Christmas: [wiggles his finger]

Fraida Felcher: No.

[last lines]

Harry Dunne: Bush Club!

Lloyd Christmas: Bush Club!

[laughing]

Lloyd Christmas: Wow, so this is what rock-bottom feels like. Hm, not THAT bad.

Captain Lippencott: I thought those Canadian accents were a little shakey.

Gus: Yeah? YOU try it.

Harry Dunne: I wonder what it would have been like to raise a child.

[Harry daydreams of what life would have been like if he raised a daughter. First Harry teaches his toddler daughter how to do a stunt on her bike. Harry is then shown knocking one of his daughter's baby teeth out a few years later. We then see that Harry's now teenage daughter has had her first period]

Harry Dunne: .

Penny: [Harry's daughter now an adult goes on a date] Bye, dad.

Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd is acting retarded and is wearing a pink vest and two huge fan gloves] Mr Dunne! Mr Dunne!

[about to eat from a dustbin]

Lloyd Christmas: Do you mind?

Harry Dunne: Bon appetite, kid!