Lloyd Christmas: Hey, Har. You wanna hear the second most annoying sound in the world?
Harry Dunne: Sure.
[constantly rings the doorbell]
Harry Dunne: Yeah, that's pretty annoying.
Lloyd Christmas: No, not that.
Mrs. Stainer: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING RINGING OUR DOORBELL LIKE THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?
Lloyd Christmas: That!
Harry Dunne: [Going through his extremely old mail left at his childhood home] Whoa. I got accepted at Arizona State.
Harry Dunne: Lloyd, did you say something? That's it, kid. You can do it. Come on! Come on, come on, come on! Spit it out!
Lloyd Christmas: GOT YA!
Harry Dunne: Wh- Wh- Wh- What-What-What?
Lloyd Christmas: You should see the look on your face! I got you so good!
Harry Dunne: W- W- W- Wait, wait. Wait a second! Are you telling me that you were faking for 20 years?
Lloyd Christmas: Uh-huh.
Harry Dunne: So you mean you just wasted the best years of your life.
Lloyd Christmas: Out the window.
Harry Dunne: And you let me come here every Wednesday for like a thousand weeks and it was all just for a gag?
Lloyd Christmas: Uh-huh!
Harry Dunne: That's... awesome!
Captain Lippencott: Where is the invention? WHERE IS THE GODDAMN BILLION DOLLAR INVENTION!
Lloyd Christmas: Hey, you guys want to play "He Who Smelt It"?
Harry Dunne: Yeah.
Travis: What's that?
Lloyd Christmas: It's complicated, so pay attention. We put the windows up, first one who smells a fart gets a point. If you say who dealt it, double points.
Harry Dunne: But if you say you smelled a fart and nobody farted, like if we were passing a slaughterhouse.
Lloyd Christmas: False fart!
Harry Dunne: You lose a point. And you can't smell your own farts either.
Travis: What, are you kidding? No! No! I'm not gonna sit around sniffin' you guys's farts like some kind of truffle pig. Forget it!
Harry Dunne: Okay, fine. Lloyd and I will play one-on-one.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, head-to-head.
Travis: How can you play one-on-one? If you smell a fart, and you didn't do it, isn't it obvious the other guy did?
Lloyd Christmas: I thought you said you never played before.
Harry Dunne: Yeah. Sound like he wrote the rule book.
Lloyd Christmas: I think we might have a hustler, Har.
Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd notices Harry has a meth dealer in their apartment] Who's the astronaut?
Harry Dunne: Oh, that's my new roommate.
Lloyd Christmas: [Shocked and slightly disappointed] Roommate? You have a new roommate?
Harry Dunne: Well, I mean, I had to get someone to pay half of the rent while you were in hospital. How's it going, Ice Pick?
Ice Pick: [Sarcastically] Best day ever. Greatest day of my life, really.
Harry Dunne: Pick cooks up a rock candy that'll make you dizzy. Folks come from all over the city to buy it.
Lloyd Christmas: It's burning my eyes. Must be Cajun style,
Harry Dunne: Okay, Dr. Picasso, what's your definition of sex?
Fraida Felcher: Well...
[whispers to Harry and Lloyd]
Lloyd Christmas: No way! That's just... Not my mom! Ew!
Harry Dunne: But that's where she pees!
Lloyd Christmas: It's in my head, and I can't unlearn it! You're bad!
Harry Dunne: Can you show us?
Lloyd Christmas: I call sloppy seconds.
Lloyd Christmas: Legs are a little rubbery after all that time sitting here. Why don't you roll me inside? We'll get the nurse take the catheter out of me. I wanna see if my lizard's still spitting straight.
Harry Dunne: We don't need nurses for that. I know how to do it.
Lloyd Christmas: Don't you have to...
[Harry pulls on the catheter, yanking Lloyd off the wheelchair]
Lloyd Christmas: Oh, God!
Harry Dunne: That things really taken root!
Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd meets the now adult Billy 4C for the first time in 20 years] Hey Billy! I hear you got a lot of flockin' birds!
Billy: Is that you, Lloyd?
Lloyd Christmas: Very good. I didn't think you'd recognize me after all these years. So what you been up to, buddy boy? Seen any good movies lately?
[Harry nudges him]
Lloyd Christmas: I mean, you know, like, on the radio?
Billy: [Lloyd feeds some of Billy's parrots candy] What was that? Did you just feed them something?
Lloyd Christmas: Relax. Just a little candy.
Billy: You can't feed candy to birds! They're stomachs'll explode!
Lloyd Christmas: Even if it's just a few Pop Rocks?
Billy: Are you crazy? Pick those up! Pick 'em up!
Lloyd Christmas: All right, all right! Sheesh. Well, nice catching up. See you later.
Billy: Not If I see you first!
Lloyd Christmas: Ha-ha! Good one!
Billy: No, no, no. It's okay, Siskel. Daddy's not going to let them get anywhere near you.
[the pair frighten Billy]
Lloyd Christmas: See? I told you that hearing thing was a wives' tail.
Harry Dunne: Boy, I sure wish I could have been there when she was little.
Lloyd Christmas: Whatever. That's all water under the fridge now, Har. Think of the bright side. You're finally getting to meet her, and you never had to change those poopy diapers.
Harry Dunne: That's called being a parent, Lloyd. Besides, I changed your poopy diapers for 20 years.
Lloyd Christmas: I totally sucked you in. Half the time, it wasn't even my poop.
Trucker's Pal: Kick his ass, Sea Bass!
Harry Dunne: Mr Stainer, Mrs Stainer so nice to see you.
Mr. Stainer: Harry, Lloyd. To what do we the owe the honour at this late hour gentlemen?
Lloyd Christmas: We were just wondering if Pee Stain wanted to come out for some suds snd maybe having his ass handed to him in a couple of games of Dig Dug.
Mr. Stainer: Lloyd. Peter is dead.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah right. Since when?
Mr. Stainer: Since 1991. Remember?
Lloyd Christmas: The motorcycle accident? But I thought he pulled through. The obituary said he was survived by his parents.
Mr. Stainer: No he did mot pull through.
Lloyd Christmas: Are you sure?
Mr. Stainer: Yes.
[Shows the duo a poster of their late son]
Lloyd Christmas: You guys are right. Anyway sorry about that whole thing. Pee Stain and I were close friends.
Mr. Stainer: Yeah we know. You were the one who sold him the motorcycle.
Lloyd Christmas: And if I recall I made him a sweet deal. My bike for his helmet straight up. That thing was a rocket. A little squirrelly on the corners, and when you got on it straight away...
Mr. Stainer: Good night Lloyd. Good night Harry.
Harry Dunne: I don't know about this, Lloyd. I haven't been home for over 20 years.
Lloyd Christmas: Come on, Harry! You need a genital organ match. They're your parents.
Harry Dunne: I'm not gonna go crawling back to them, Lloyd. Not after what they did to me.
Lloyd Christmas: What'd they do?
Harry Dunne: They threw me out of the house.
Lloyd Christmas: Why?
Harry Dunne: Just 'cause I told them I was gay.
Lloyd Christmas: Why'd you tell them that?
Harry Dunne: I was sick of mowing the lawn.
Dr. Pinchelow: You know, I always wondered what Penny's natural father was like. When my late wife and I adopted her, we didn't have much information her birth parents. We were told her mother was single, and that she was... Well...
Adele: You can say it, dear. She was rumored to be a titanic whore.
Harry Dunne: That's a lie! Fraida never stepped foot on the Titanic!
Lloyd Christmas: You must be talking about the time she did the night crew on the Block Island Ferry.
Dr. Pinchelow: I know she will appreciate all the trouble you have come to find her. Let's call her.
[Hands over to Harry his cellphone]
Harry Dunne: It's ringing!
Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd answers Penny's discarded cellphone] Whoever this is, we're in the middle of something very important here.
Harry Dunne: [Oblivious Lloyd is speaking] This is your Dad!
Lloyd Christmas: [to Penny's foster parents] Guys I know this is weird timing but I got to take this. It's my dead Dad!
Harry Dunne: [Lloyd is in a catatonic state at a mental hospital] Come on, Lloyd. You gotta get over her. Mary Samsonite was just a girl. Besides, she's married. And even if it had worked out, would you really want ginger babies? Gross
Harry Dunne: Let me ask you something Freida. If I'm not Penny's father and Lloyd's not her father then who's her father?
Fraida Felcher: Funny you should ask.
Fraida Felcher: Honey how would uou like to meet some relatives?
[Points towards the Stainers]
Lloyd Christmas: Mr Stainer? I should have known. You horny old goat!
Fraida Felcher: No Lloyd. Mr Stainer is Penny's grandfather.
Harry Dunne: You mean Pee Stain's the dad?
Lloyd Christmas: Duh!
Lloyd Christmas: Wow. Think about it. If I hadn't sold that crotch rocket to Pee Stain, you wouldn't have a bastard child who's gonna save your life.
Harry Dunne: God's got a pretty warped sense of humor, huh?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah. I bet he smokes weed. Otherwise, why he put our testicles outside our bodies, where someone can do this?
[hits Harry in his crotch]
Fraida Felcher: Look, guys. It's me. Fraida Felcher.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, right. Like we'd be fighting over those blowfish jowls. No offense.
Fraida Felcher: Harry, Lloyd, I'm gonna say this one more time. I'm Fraida.
Lloyd Christmas: [whispers to Harry] Tattoo.
Harry Dunne: Oh, yeah. Then show us your tattoo. 'Cause Fraida had a cute little smiley face on her back, right above her bikini line. Well?
[Fraida shows her tattoo]
Harry Dunne: Hmm. It's close.
Lloyd Christmas: Mmm.
[Fraida pushes up the smiley face]
Lloyd Christmas: Oh. Hi, Fraida.
Harry Dunne: Oh, hey! How ya been?
Lloyd Christmas: Have you been doing yoga?
Fraida Felcher: Yeah, but, Lloyd, Lloyd. She isn't your daughter either.
Lloyd Christmas: Nice try, Fraida. But Penny read me the letter. I know all about Oyster Swallow Cove, which is exactly where you took me in the van!
Fraida Felcher: So? That was my spot. I must've taken hundred of guys there. What can I say. I was a titanic whore.
Fraida Felcher: So, guys, there's still one thing I don't understand. How could either of you have possibly thought that you were Penny's father?
Harry Dunne: Well, why wouldn't we?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah!
Fraida Felcher: Because we never had sex.
Lloyd Christmas: Oh. Yeah. Well, you could've fooled us.
Harry Dunne: Yeah, nice try, Snow White. Does the word "hot tub" jog your memory? If I recall, I played with your boobies for a long time that night. The mother boat, the windshield wipers, the punching bag.
Fraida Felcher: You know Harry, you can't get a woman pregnant by manhandling her breasts.
Harry Dunne: Oh, really? Well, then, why'd your doorbells get so hard?
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah. And did you forget about the French tickler in the back of the van?
Fraida Felcher: Putting a frilly glow-in-the-dark condom on your finger is not the same as having sex.
Lloyd Christmas: What if I go like this?
Lloyd Christmas: [wiggles his finger]
Fraida Felcher: No.
Lloyd Christmas: Wow, so this is what rock-bottom feels like. Hm, not THAT bad.
Harry Dunne: I wonder what it would have been like to raise a child.
[Harry daydreams of what life would have been like if he raised a daughter. First Harry teaches his toddler daughter how to do a stunt on her bike. Harry is then shown knocking one of his daughter's baby teeth out a few years later. We then see that Harry's now teenage daughter has had her first period]
Harry Dunne: .
Penny: [Harry's daughter now an adult goes on a date] Bye, dad.
Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd is acting retarded and is wearing a pink vest and two huge fan gloves] Mr Dunne! Mr Dunne!
[about to eat from a dustbin]
Lloyd Christmas: Do you mind?
Harry Dunne: Bon appetite, kid!