Mission Asspossible (2011)

I like to cite the disparity between AVN awards, as duly listed in IMDb and the frequent low-low quality of the feature so awarded, and such is the case, in spades for this atrocious Private release in the label's famous Action Movie mode. It is thoroughly incompetent on many levels, yet the industry watchdog gave it three honors that can hardly be justified.

Using product from an untalented pornographer Ettore Buchi (one of the worst directors in Private's 50-year history) and his Magik View Entertainment banner operating out of Gibraltar, the big-budget production released under the "Private Blockbusters" label has an international cast with such Yankee imports to Europe as Brooklyn Lee, star of the feature Courtney Kane and a miscast Mr. Pete. Brooklyn's hump scene won an AVN award but hardly measures up to hundreds of her other roles in a successful career.

Toni Ribas is cast as Ethan C*nt (spelling censored by IMDb), his vulgar name a porn-parody reference to the franchise being ripped off here, namely Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible. Helmer Buchi at one point reaches back to the progenitor '60s TV series for Ribas to put on a mask and magically "become" the movie's villain Ian Scott, just like Martin Landau used to do on almost a weekly basis.

A fabulous ship was apparently rented for the show's location, providing plenty of real atmosphere for the pointless show. Ribas and his fellow agents sneak onto the vessel, as big as a cruise ship, to terminate Scott and his fellow international crime lords, randomly cast with Mick Blue ridiculously caricaturing an Ugly American (and racist to boot -thanks Mr. Buchi!), James Brossman as the European kingpin, Antonio Ross representing the Middle East by way of Lebanon, and lead baddie Scott as Colombian, misspelled in the superimposed title as Columbian.

Kane plays the impersonator of Scott's beautiful brunette assistant, and is good in the sex scenes. Dialog is in direct-sound English, benefiting from the imported Chatsworth talent but very clumsily recited improvisational by the Euro cast members.

Once the agents have infiltrated the crew and passengers, Buchi's film devolves into endless sex scenes and poker games, Texas Hold'em of course trendily employed. Jon Jon plays a guy named John Don (how clever) and is the dealer for the games, subjected to racist shtick and comments by Mick that went out with the 19th Century. But he's there for interracial sex, especially a three-way featuring Mr. Pete and

This is sloppy filmmaking at its sloppiest, with Scott's character named Pablo called "Sir Alex" at one point by a girl who apparently was working from an earlier script draft, if such a thing actually existed. Sex is mechanical, leading to a finale orgy filled with d.p.'s.

It's an embarrassing addendum to Private's history, as the company actually made quite a few interesting XXX action pictures a decade or two ago. And a ridiculous waste of a big-time, big production values-look location.