14 April 2015 | Theo Robertson
Perhaps The Worst British Film I've Seen In My Entire Life
Sometimes I get the opportunity to watch a newly released film for free . I almost feel guilty about this sometimes . Almost . Honestly I do and when a new British movie comes out like last years heart pounding thriller '71 the least I can do is give it my support and hand over my money at the cinema and feel a burst of jingoistic pride that I've contributed to British film making . If I don't do this once in a while I feel I've committed an act of high treason so just imagine how I felt when I didn't pay to see HOOLIGANS AT WAR . Guilty with a capital G-U-I-L- T and Y . As soon as the opening credits finished I started becoming aware of something - if the makers of this piece of unwatchable compost don't recompense me 40 minutes of my life I wasted watching this they should be hanging their heads in utter shame
The film starts with a flashback to a British army camp in Bosnia 5 years ago and involves a battle scene . This will be in 2010 . SFOR had been replaced by EUFOR six years earlier and despite having never set foot in the country I can tell you there was no fighting between local militias and EUFOR soldiers going on in 2010 . I'm pretty sure Bosnia no longer has local ethnic militias that the country was notorious for in the 1990s . I suppose we can overlook this and the totally amateur production values if it sets up the story
Hold on there's another flashback after this as the basic training regiment in the mess hall . Mess halls at these locations are normally large halls crowded with young men in their late teens and early twenties with a hairstyle of number two at the sides and back and a number four cut on top . Not here where there's an intake of about a dozen men and they're all aged in their late twenties to mid thirties with various hairstyles and many of them are obvious salad dodgers who'd have trouble walking to the bus stop never minding lumping sixty pounds of equipment on their back up a steep hill . They're so hopeless at trying to convince us they're soldiers they wouldn't even get in to the local airsoft club because even they have standards . In fact the acting is so bad I wondered how any of them managed to get in to the Equity union . I'm not saying the acting is bad what I'm saying is that it's non existent and the casting must be some sort of joke
In fact the whole movie must be some sort of joke ! Sorry did I say movie ? I should have said "thing" and just left it at that because I'd be misleading you if I give the impression that this is going to get any distribution deal . HOOLIGANS AT WAR is obviously shot on a camcorder with a non professional cast and feels like it's trying to parody the likes of Guy Ritchie with a freeze frame and a voice over explaining who the character is . That's the only bit that really works but truth to be told it's really stealing someone elses idea . Really I know it's a cliché when people say "worst movie ever" but this is possibly the worst British film I've ever commentated on in all my years on this website . I've always been fair when reviewing a movie but there is not one saving grace about this film which I turned off after 40 minutes . Believe me if I don't watch a film until the end credits comes up that tells you everything. If someone got out an I-pod and filmed their drunken mates ad libbing an unscripted story as it went along then that would be a more satisfying cinematic film than the thing going under the title of HOOLIGANS AT WAR
I am now owed 40 minutes of my life back and I know that the makers of this thing have visited the page - they're ones who gave it a rating of more than one out of ten !
ETA May 2015 . Thanks for the nice message Chris and better luck next time