- Steve Rogers: Hi, I'm Captain America. Here to talk to you about one of the most valuable traits a student or soldier can have. Patience. Sometimes, patience is the key to victory. Sometimes, it leads to very little, and it seems like it's not worth it, and you wonder why you waited so long for something so disappointing... How many more of these?
- Ned Leeds: Peter, are you okay?
- Spider-Man: Yeah. Just keep trying to get through to Happy.
- Ned Leeds: It's been an honor, Spider-Man.
- [library lights turn on]
- Ms. Warren: What are you doing here? There's a dance.
- Ned Leeds: Uh...
- [quickly shuts his laptop]
- Ned Leeds: [awkwardly] I'm... looking... at porn.
- [Spider-Man shows up at a robbery carried out by men in Avengers masks]
- Spider-Man: Wait a minute... You guys aren't the real Avengers! I can tell. Hulk gives it away.
- Mr. Delmar: [In Spanish] His aunt is a beautiful Italian woman!
- Peter Parker: [In Spanish] How's your daughter?
- Peter Parker: I've gotta go.
- Michelle: Where are you going?
- [Peter stares at her]
- Michelle: What are you hiding, Peter?
- [Peter still stares at her, at a loss for words]
- Michelle: [laughs] I'm just kidding. I don't care. Bye.
- Peter Parker: I'm sick of Mr. Stark treating me like a kid.
- Ned Leeds: But you are a kid.
- Peter Parker: Yeah. A kid who can stop a bus with his bare hands.
- Adrian Toomes: [to Peter] You need to understand, I will do anything to protect my family. I know you know what I'm talking about. So don't mess with me. Don't interfere in my business again. Because I will kill you and anyone you care about.
- Mr. Harrington: It would be terrible to lose a student...
- Mr. Harrington: ...on a school trip...
- Mr. Harrington: ...again.
- Peter Parker: Just a typical homecoming, on the outside of an invisible jet, fighting my girlfriends dad.
- Tony Stark: Previously on "Peter Screws the Pooch", I tell you to stay away from this. Instead, you hacked a multi-million dollar suit so you could sneak around behind my back doing the *one thing* I told you not to do.
- Peter Parker: Is everyone okay?
- Tony Stark: No thanks to you.
- Peter Parker: No thanks to me? Those weapons were out there and I tried to tell you about it, but you didn't listen. None of this would've happened if you had just listened to me! If you even cared, you'd actually be here.
- [Tony Stark steps out of the suit to reveal that he *is* in fact there]
- Tony Stark: I did listen, kid. Who do you think called the FBI, huh? Do you know that I was the only one who believed in you? Everyone else said I was *crazy* to recruit a 14-year-old kid.
- Peter Parker: I'm 15.
- Tony Stark: No, this is where you ZIP IT, alright? The adult is talking! What if somebody had died tonight? Different story, right? 'Cause that's on *you*. And if you died, I feel like that's on me. I don't need that on my conscience.
- Peter Parker: Yes, sir, I...
- Tony Stark: Yes.
- Peter Parker: I'm sorry. In sorry.
- Tony Stark: "Sorry" doesn't cut it.
- Peter Parker: I understand. I just wanted to be like you.
- Tony Stark: And I wanted you to be better. Okay, it's not working out. I'm gonna need the suit back.
- Peter Parker: For how long?
- Tony Stark: Forever.
- Peter Parker: [on the verge of tears] No! No, no, no! Please, please, please!
- Tony Stark: Let's have it.
- Peter Parker: You don't understand! This is all I have! I'm nothing without this suit!
- Tony Stark: If you're nothing without this suit, then you shouldn't have it, okay? God, I sound like my dad.
- Peter Parker: I don't have any other clothes.
- Tony Stark: Okay, we'll sort that out.
- [Peter's face is turning pale white, after finding out that Toomes is Liz's father]
- Adrian Toomes: Hey, you up for some bourbon, some gin, rum?
- Spider-Man: I'm not old enough to drink.
- Adrian Toomes: Right answer.
- [winks]
- Adrian Toomes: Eight years without any trouble from those bozos over at Stark Tower, and then this little bastard in red tights shows up, and he thinks he can tear down everything I've built. We're gonna put 'em outta business! We're gonna take everything they got!
- May Parker: [to Peter] I know you left detention today. I know you left the decathlon. I know you sneak out of this house every night and that is not okay. Peter, what is going on with you? You can tell me! Just you and me. I promise.
- Mac Gargan: Rumor has it that you know who he is.
- Adrian Toomes: If I knew who he was, he'd already be dead.
- Peter Parker: I can't make it to the Decathlon next week. I have the Stark Internship.
- Abe: Oh, no.
- Michelle: Peter's not going to Nationals.
- Abe: Why not?
- Liz: Really, before Nationals?
- Michelle: Figures. He's already bailed out on marching band and robotics club.
- [Everyone looks at her]
- Michelle: I'm not obsessed with him, I'm just super observant.
- Adrian Toomes: Peter, you're young. You don't understand how the world works.
- Peter Parker: Yeah, but I understand that selling weapons to criminals is wrong!
- Adrian Toomes: How do you think your buddy Stark paid for that tower, or any of his little toys? Those people, Pete, those people up there, the rich and the powerful, they do whatever they want. Guys like us, like you and me... they don't care about us. We build their roads and we fight all their wars and everything. They don't care about us. We have to pick up after them. We have to eat their table scraps. That's how it is. I know you know what I'm talking about, Peter.
- Peter Parker: Why are you telling me this?
- Adrian Toomes: 'Cause I want you to understand. And... I needed a little time to get her airborne.
- [Summons Vulture harness]
- Peter Parker: Wow, they're in the middle of a heist! I could catch them all red-handed, this is awesome! Okay, I'm gonna get a little closer so I can see what's happening.
- Karen: Would you like me to engage Enhanced Combat Mode?
- Peter Parker: Enhanced Combat Mode? Yeah!
- Karen: Activating Instant-Kill.
- Peter Parker: What? No, no, no, I don't wanna kill anybody!
- Karen: Deactivating Instant-Kill.
- [Peter jumps out of his position and tries to swing, only to plummet face-first into the ground]
- Peter Parker: What the hell just happened?
- Karen: You jumped off a sign and landed on your face.
- Adrian Toomes: How many times have I told you not to fire them out in the open?
- Jackson Brice: You said to move the merchandise!
- Adrian Toomes: Under the radar! Under the radar! If you bring Damage Control or the Avengers down here, we're through! You're out there, wearing that goofy thing like Mel Carbs, calling yourself the Shocker! "I'm the Shocker! I shock people!" What is this, Pro Wrestling?
- Spider-Man: [Spider-Man secures Davis's hand to his car with a web] That's going to dissolve in two hours.
- Aaron Davis: No. No, no! You're going to fix this!
- Spider-Man: Two hours! You deserve that!
- Aaron Davis: I've got ice cream!
- Spider-Man: You're a criminal! Bye, Mr. Criminal!
- Adrian Toomes: The rich, the powerful, like Stark, they don't care about us! The world's changed boys, time we change too!
- Peter Parker: [in a car with Tony] So, to become an Avenger, is there like trials or an interview?
- Tony Stark: Just don't do anything I *would* do.
- [Peter nods]
- Tony Stark: And definitely don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- [Peter looks confused]
- Tony Stark: There's a little gray area in there and that's where you operate.
- Peter Parker: Oh...
- Tony Stark: Alright?
- [Tony reaches across Peter with his arm. Peter wraps his arms around him]
- Tony Stark: That's not a hug, I'm just grabbing the door for you.
- [opens Peter's door]
- Tony Stark: All right, kid. Good luck out there.
- [Spider-Man interrogates Aaron Davis in a comical manner]
- Aaron Davis: Can I give you some advice? You gotta get better at this part of the job.
- Tony Stark: Sorry I took your suit. I mean, you had it coming. Actually, it turns out it was the perfect sort of tough love moment that you needed, right? To urge you on, right? Wouldn't you think? Don't you think?
- Peter Parker: Gee, I, I...
- Tony Stark: Let's just say it was.
- [sighs]
- Peter Parker: Mr. Stark, I'm...
- Tony Stark: You screwed the pooch hard. Big time. But then you did the right thing: you took the dog to the free clinic, you raised the hybrid puppies... alright, not my best analogy. I was wrong about you. I think with a little more mentoring, you could be a real asset to the team.
- Peter Parker: To the, to the... to the team?
- Tony Stark: Yeah! Anyway, there's about 50 reporters behind that door, real ones, not bloggers, so when you're ready...
- [Reveals the Iron Spider Armor]
- Tony Stark: Why don't you try that on... and I'll introduce the world to the newest official member of the Avengers: Spider-Man.
- Adrian Toomes: [Turns a gun to Peter] Does she know?
- Peter Parker: Know what?
- Adrian Toomes: So she doesn't, good. Close to the vest, I admire that. I've got a few secrets of my own. Of all the reasons I didn't want my daughter to date! Peter, nothing is more important than family. You saved my daughter's life, and I could never forget something like that, so I'll give you one chance. You ready? You walk through those doors, and you forget any of this happened. And don't you ever, ever interfere with my business again, because if you do, I'll kill you, and everyone that you love. I'll kill you dead. That's what I'll do to protect my family. Pete, you understand? Hey. I just saved your life. Now, what do you say?
- Peter Parker: [Awkwardly] Thank you.
- Adrian Toomes: You're welcome. Now, you go in there, and you show my daughter a good time, okay? Just not too good.
- [after punching Spider-Man into a bus using the Shocker Gauntlet]
- Herman Schultz: You know, I wasn't too sure about this at first, but... damn!
- Tony Stark: Listen, I know school sucks. I know you want to save the world. But... you're not ready yet.
- [Vulture's wings cut the building pillars surrounding Spider-Man]
- Spider-Man: You missed! You didn't even hit me!
- Adrian Toomes: Yeah, but then again... I wasn't even trying to.
- Street Vendor: Hey! You're that spider guy from TV!
- Spider-Man: Call me Spider-Man.
- Street Vendor: Ok, Spider-Man. Do a flip.
- [Spider-Man does a flip]
- Street Vendor: YEAH!
- Flash: I don't know. I got to check my calendar first. I got a hot date with Black Widow coming up.
- Abe: [ringing the bell] That is false.
- Mr. Harrington: What did I tell you about using the bell for comedic purposes?
- Peter Parker: No, Spider-Man isn't a party trick! I'm just gonna be myself.
- Ned Leeds: Peter, nobody wants that!
- Adrian Toomes: [pulls up to a red traffic light] That's terrible what happened down there in DC, though. Were you scared? I bet you were glad when your old pal Spider-Man showed up in the elevator, though, huh?
- Peter Parker: Yeah, well, I- I- I actually didn't go up. I saw it all from the ground. Pretty lucky that he was there that day.
- Adrian Toomes: [traffic light turns green] Good old Spider-Man.
- Steve Rogers: [Captain America is in a PSA being shown during detention] So... you got detention. You screwed up. You know what you did was wrong. The question is, how are you gonna make things right? Maybe you were trying to be cool. But take it from a guy who's been frozen for 65 years... the only way to really be cool is to follow the rules.
- Spider-Man: [to his camera in Berlin] No one has actually told me why I'm in Berlin or what I'm doing. Something about Captain America going crazy.
- Pepper Potts: Where's the kid?
- Happy Hogan: He left.
- Pepper Potts: Everybody's waiting.
- Tony Stark: You know what? He actually made a really mature choice. It just surprised the heck out of us.
- Pepper Potts: Did you guys screw this up?
- Tony Stark: [points at Happy] He told the kid to go wait in the car.
- Pepper Potts: Are you kidding me? I've got a room full of people in there waiting for some big announcement. What am I gonna tell them?
- Tony Stark: Think of something. How about, um... Hap, you still got that ring?
- Happy Hogan: [pretends to search his pockets] Do I... I, uh...
- Tony Stark: The engagement ring!
- Happy Hogan: [smirks] Are you kidding? I've been carrying this since 2008.
- [takes out the ring and holds it up]
- Tony Stark: Okay.
- Pepper Potts: I think I can think of something better than that.
- Tony Stark: Well, it would buy us a little time.
- [Pepper kisses Tony]
- Tony Stark: Like we need time.
- Anne Marie Hoag: Attention, please! In accordance with Executive Order 396-B, all post-battle clean-up operations are now under our jurisdiction. Thank you for your service; we'll take it from here.
- Michelle: Excuse me, can we go already? Because I was hoping to get in some light protesting in front of an embassy before dinner.
- Mr. Harrington: Protesting is patriotic.
- Tour Guide: Ok, guys, I know that was scary, but our safety systems are working.
- Karen: The safety systems are completely failing.
- Tour Guide: We're very safe in here.
- Karen: The occupants are in imminent mortal danger.