Muppets Most Wanted (2014)

Ricky Gervais: Dominic Badguy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Constantine : My name will go down as the greatest thief of all time!

  Dominic Badguy : You mean our names, right?

  Constantine : Of course. My name first, then spacebar, spacebar, spacebar... your name.

• Dominic Badguy : Dominic: International Tour Manager.

  [presents his business card] 

  Fozzie Bear : "Dominic Bad Guy"?

  Dominic Badguy : "Bad-gee". It's French.

• Dominic Badguy : [Walter is skeptical of the Madrid show's success]  I'm glad to say the Spanish reviewers disagree with you as well, Walter. They loved us. Five out of five jamon serranos.

  Walter : Whoa. Those reviews really came out fast.

  Pepe the King Prawn : And "Citizen Kane" only got four jamon serranos.

• Dominic Badguy : I want every seat in the house filled. Give tickets away if you have to.

  Critic : Well, it's the Muppets. It won't be easy.

• Dominic Badguy : [passing Constantine off as Kermit]  Flawlessly executed. Bravo.

  Constantine : What did you expect from world's most dangerous frog and number one criminal, Number Two?

  Dominic Badguy : Yeah, I know. You're number one, I'm number two. I think you mentioned that before.

  Constantine : Now that we control the Muppet tour, Number Two, phase one of our plan is complete. We are now positioned to carry out greatest...

  [mumbling] 

  Constantine : ...burgle... blurgh-el... burgle...

  Dominic Badguy : Burglary.

  Constantine : Yes. Of all time and pin it on those gullible Muppets, who will spend the rest of their miserable lives behind bars.

• Kermit , Gonzo , Fozzie Bear , Miss Piggy , Rowlf the Dog , Scooter : [singing 'We're Doing A Sequel']  We're doing a sequel

  Beaker : [Beaker is teleported into a monitor with a test pattern screen, running frantically]  Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

  Kermit , Gonzo , Fozzie Bear , Miss Piggy , Rowlf the Dog , Scooter : Let's give it a shot,

  Kermit : All we need now is a half-decent plot...

  Gonzo : Got it: an epic love story between a very handsome, long-nosed, purple thing and a beautiful chicken.

  Gonzo : [the scenery falls over]  I call it: "Gonzo With the Wind".

  Camilla : [Camilla clucks] 

  Kermit : Does anybody have any other ideas?

  Fozzie Bear : Oh, oh! It's about getting the Muppets back together again to stop an evil oil baron from demolishing the old studio!

  Kermit : Fozzie, did you even watch our last film?

  Miss Piggy : It's about a frog who marries a beautiful, perfect pig, and they have to kiss each other a lot!

  Kermit : Uh...

  Swedish Chef : [subtitled Swedish-sounding gibberish]  How about a film on the existential conundrum of religious faith?

  Kermit : I don't think Americans watch subtitled films.

  Dominic Badguy : [Ricky Gervais appearing as himself]  Kermit, how about the Muppets go on a world tour?

  Kermit : [Kermit gasps in surprise]  That's perfect!

• Dominic Badguy : Have you studied your Kermit tapes yet?

  Constantine : Of course not. This is child's play for frog of my talent.

• Constantine : [singing]  I'm number one/You're number two/We're criminals at large/But I'm at larger than you/I'm number one/You're number two/I believe in equality/As long as you get less than me/I'm one.

  Dominic Badguy : You're one.

  Constantine : You're number two.

  Dominic Badguy : I'm number two.

  Constantine : You may think that you're smarter/But I'm smarter than you/I'm number one/You're number two/You're lucky to be number two/Not number three/I can see by the look in your eye/You want to get a bigger piece of the pie/One day, you'll get your chance/But in the meantime, you've got to dance, monkey, dance!

  Dominic Badguy : Really? I hate dancing.

• Kermit the Frog : [Dominic wants to change the venue of their first show]  Guys, I-I'm not sure we can do this, you know?

  Dominic Badguy : Okay, let's put this to the vote. All those in favor of believing in ourselves, raise your hands.

  Kermit the Frog : [hands are raised]  That's not what I'm saying.

  Dominic Badguy : And all those in favor of just giving up.

  Kermit the Frog : [with a sigh]  I can't believe I'm voting for giving up.

• Dominic Badguy : Don't take it personally. They still love you. They just prefer me now.

  Kermit the Frog : Uh, thank you, Dominic. That's very comforting.

  Dominic Badguy : Do you know what I think helps sometimes in situations like this?

  Kermit the Frog : What?

  Dominic Badguy : A walk alone in the fog in former East Berlin. Maybe along a deserted canal.

  [he shows Kermit a map with a large arrow literally labeled "deserted canal"] 

  Kermit the Frog : Well, I guess a quiet stroll is not a bad idea. Let the others know I've gone, will you?

• Dominic Badguy : Hi, guys. Look, it's Kermit, just back from his afternoon stroll.

  Constantine : Hi-lo! I am Kermit.

  Dominic Badguy : He's got a cold. That's why his voice sounds a little bit different at the moment.

  [the other Muppets all mutter in agreement, and Constantine fakes a hacking cough] 

  Dominic Badguy : See? Just calm down. Just relax.

  Constantine : You are right. Dominic is terrific!

  Dominic Badguy : Aw.

  Constantine : From now on, let's do whatever he says. Hmm?

  Fozzie Bear : Wow, that walk must have really helped.

• Dominic Badguy : Listen up. You're hot. You're having a moment. But what is inevitable about a moment? It ends.

  Fozzie Bear : [clutching Kermit]  I don't want this moment to end!

  Dominic Badguy : That's why we got to get out there now and capitalize on this moment with a capital "C", yeah?

• Dominic Badguy : I want you to conquer the world. Do an international tour. Show a global audience what you can do.

  Kermit the Frog : [over the other Muppets' excited chatter]  Yeah, that sounds great, but I-I'm just not sure... wait, wait a second, guys, listen. I'd love to do that, too. But we've barely gotten back together. We don't want to mess that up.

  Dominic Badguy : Okay, I am inundated with offers of management at the moment. One Direction, U2, Cirque du Soleil. Just some of the acts I can list.

  Fozzie Bear : [exclaiming in awe]  Wow, that's a good list!

• Dominic Badguy : What's wrong? You only ever knit when you're stressed.

  Constantine : The bear, the little guy, and their dog, they are onto us. They got away.

  Dominic Badguy : How are we gonna spin this?

• [Constantine sees Dominic in an animal suit] 

  Constantine : Number Two, you look ridiculous! Why are you wearing that?

  Dominic Badguy : Because I am the Lemur, and the world's new No 1 Criminal! That's right, this is where I double-cross you!

  Constantine : First rule of double-cross: you don't announce the double-cross before you double-cross. It's not even a rule, because it's so obvious!

  [blows up Dominic] 

• Dominic Badguy : I'm number two/He's number one/I can't believe I'm working for an amphibian/I'm number two/He's number one.

  Constantine : I'm number one!

  Dominic Badguy : You know life's gone to the dogs/When your boss is a frog/I can see it's just a matter of time/Before he's gone and I'm at the front of the line/It won't be long 'til I get my chance/But in the meantime, I've got to dance, monkey, dance.

• Constantine : I'm number one.

  Dominic Badguy : He's number one.

  Constantine : You're number two.

  Dominic Badguy : I'm number two.

  Constantine : Now, that's it, kid/There you go/Now step aside/This ain't your show/I'm one.

  Dominic Badguy : [mimicking]  "I'm one."

  Constantine : I'm number one.

  Dominic Badguy : Yes, we know.

  Constantine : I'm...

  Dominic Badguy : He's...

  Dominic Badguy , Constantine : Number one!

  Constantine : [tap-dancing on Dominic's head]  That's how it's done.

• Constantine : Once you have stolen the Crown Jewels and framed the Muppets, ring the tower bell five times and we will rendezvous on the roof.

  Dominic Badguy : But what will you do when you're married? Because the pig'll know everything.

  Constantine : Once she's served her purpose, kaboom. It will be bacon for breakfast.

• Sam Eagle : Congratulations, weirdos, you've saved the Crown Jewels!

  Jean Pierre Napoleon : And you've caught my nemesis, the Lemur. Look at his little costume. That's adorable!

  Dominic Badguy : I'm not adorable.

  Sam Eagle : He *is* adorable.

  Constantine : You're adorable! Did you make that kitty-cat outfit?

  Rowlf the Dog : The bad guy is Dominic Badguy!

• Dominic Badguy : [searching for Colonel Blood's key]  Where is it?

  Constantine : It's got to be here somewhere. Keep smashing, Number Two.

  Dominic Badguy : What do you think I'm doing? I'm smashing.

  Constantine : Where is that key?

  Dominic Badguy : [picking up a statue]  The last one. It better be in here.

  Constantine : He looks a little bit like you, Number Two.

  Dominic Badguy : [smashing it]  Colonel Blood's key.

  Constantine : Hmm. Nice of him to label it.

• [Deleted scene; Kermit sneaks into the Tower of London, carrying a large bouquet. Dominic sees him going past] 

  Dominic Badguy : [thinking Kermit is Constantine]  What are you doing here? You're supposed to get ready, Number One.

  [He points to the mole planted on Kermit's face] 

  Dominic Badguy : And also, your thing is showing.

  Kermit : Uh, yes. Uh...

  [He clears his throat and puts on his best Constantine voice] 

  Kermit : Yes, of course. I know that you, you, you complete idiot. Why do you think I am walking around with these flowers to cover my face?

  Dominic Badguy : Alright, calm down.

  Kermit : [slips into his regular voice]  Thank you.

  [He starts to walk away before realizing that Dominic could have found him out] 

  Kermit : For nothing!