Miss Rosa Cisneros: [after running Vee over with the prison van] Always so rude, that one.

Poussey Washington: [about love] It's just chilling, you know? Kickin' it with somebody, talking, making mad stupid jokes. And like, not even wanting to go to sleep 'cuz then you might be without 'em for a moment and you don't want that.

Alex Vause: [to Piper] Are you cheating on me and Larry with Crazy Eyes? 'Cuz there is not room for the four of us!

Piper Chapman: I'm scared that I'm not myself and I'm scared that I am.

Tasha 'Taystee' Jefferson: Don't be fuckin' with Harry Potter!

Big Boo: [observing Pennsatucky's grave shrine to her aborted babies] It's like a whole little graveyard here.

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett: Yeah, these are all my unborn babies.

Big Boo: Ooh.

[sings]

Big Boo: Ooh. She got the Mother's Day blues!

[pause]

Big Boo: Jesus, you look like the Angel of Death. I get that a lot.

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett: [about aborting her babies] Yeah, I'm goin' to hell. I know it. I mean, even though I was saved and everything, I just- they never even had a chance, you know?

Big Boo: Son, you gotta let go of that shit.

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett: It's easy for you to say. I'm guessing you ain't never had to abort nobody.

Big Boo: A bold assumption. You ever read a book called Freakonomics?

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett: No. What's it about, bearded ladies and midgets?

Big Boo: Close. It's about economic theory, cause and effect.

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett: Sounds boring.

Big Boo: It's actually a pretty good read. They have this chapter in it, "Where Have All the Criminals Gone?"

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett: Over there in that field.

Big Boo: You know, in the 1990s, crime fell spectacularly, and this book attributes that to the passing of Roe v. Wade.

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett: The Darkness of '73.

Big Boo: The exact opposite, actually. I mean, the abortions that occurred after Roe v. Wade These were children that weren't wanted. Children who, if their mothers had been forced to have them, would've grown up poor and neglected and abused, the three most important ingredients when one is making a felon.

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett: But they were never born.

Big Boo: [ignores Pennsatucky] So, 20 years later, when they would've been of prime crime age, they weren't there. And the crime rate dropped dramatically.

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett: What's your point?

Big Boo: Well, my point is that you were a meth-head, white-trash piece of shit, and your children, had they been born, would have been meth-head, white-trash pieces of shit. So by terminating those pregnancies, you spared society the scourge of your offspring. I mean, when you think about it, it's a blessing!

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett: Never thought if it that way.

Galina 'Red' Reznikov: I'm missing half my zucchini. These girls don't realize I'm here to provide food not dildos. I'm all out of cucumbers, carrots, beets. God knows what they're doing with those. I can't hold on to anything cock-shaped.

Galina 'Red' Reznikov: All I wanted was to eat the chicken that is smarter than other chickens and to absorb its power!

Poussey Washington: Nein, motherfucker, nein!

Pete Harper: I'm not an alcoholic. I'm Australian!

Yoga Jones: [about coping in prison] Work hard to make something as beautiful and meaningful as you can and when you're done, pack it in and know it was all temporary.

Galina 'Red' Reznikov: The second you're perceived as weak, you already are.

Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren: [to Piper] Before I met you the sun was like a yellow grape. But now, it looks like fire in the sky. Why? Because you light a fire inside me!

Lorna Morello: [to Piper] Do you hear yourself sometimes? Like, when you speak?

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett: [to Piper before attacking her] I'm an angel of God. I mean, look at my dress!

George 'Pornstache' Mendez: No tongue-fucking in the visitation room!

Piper Chapman: I was a TA in college.

Joel Luschek: Oh, what's that? Like "Tits" and "Ass?"

[laughs]

Big Boo: Ain't no party like a Big Boo party!

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett: You know what? Pardon my French, but you can eat my shit!

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett: [opening lines in third season]

[while driving the prison van]

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett: I'd butter your toast. I'd feed her dog. I'd zip his sweater. Mmm! See? It doesn't matter what you say, as long as it's "I'd blank your blank"!

[chuckles]

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett: It all sounds dirty, always.

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett: Man, do you know what it means when there ain't nobody up there punishing the evildoers? It means there ain't nobody giving out prizes for the good ones neither; 'Cuz there ain't no judge. There ain't no justice. We just crawl around this earth like ants...

[pause]

Tiffany 'Pennsatucky' Doggett: And then we die.

Leanne Taylor: Ching Chong Chang!

Chang: [walks past] Fuck you, cracker.

Leanne Taylor: [laugh] She loves it when I do that!

Galina 'Red' Reznikov: I want to look *fierce*!

Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren: I don't just like you, Piper. I got feelings. Love feelings!

Natalie Figueroa: [to Taystee about winning the mock job fair] This isn't a contest. You do your best because that's what you're supposed to do. Why is it so hard for you people to understand? You're like babies! "Where's my present?" "Pay attention to me!" "Give me things!" "Fix the heat!" "Build a gym!" I'm not your goddamn mommy. Grow up! In acknowledgment of your hard work and success, an award of $10 will be added to your commissary fund. Enjoy.

Lorna Morello: [to Piper] You saw a chicken? Like a real live chicken in the flesh?

Piper Chapman: The food here is *disgusting*!

[everyone at the table shoots her a stern look]

Piper Chapman: [pause] What?

Nicky Nichols: Did I mention that Red runs the kitchen?

Piper Chapman: [shocked and embarrassed] Oh, shit! I'm sorry!

Cindy Hayes: [about the kitchen food] Salt! They gave us special trays. Chili-shittin' bitches!

Poussey Washington: Man, they're fucking with us this way 'cuz they know our people's predisposition for hypertension!

Tasha 'Taystee' Jefferson: Man, they're tryin' to kill us!

Janae Watson: Well, what did ya'll expect? Don't fuck with the cooks!

Larry Bloom: [to Piper about the prison] This is all just a big adventure with liver and Yoga Jones and racism.

Joe Caputo: See you next Tuesday.

Natalie Figueroa: Yeah, see you next Tuesday-

[pause]

Natalie Figueroa: I see what you did there!

Piper Chapman: [about Red] She's issued a fucking fatwa on me!

Yoga Jones: I'm thankful for you girls who remind me every day that self-forgiveness is possible.

Larry Bloom: Why would I want a felonious, former lesbian, WASP, Shiksa, about to go to prison, to marry me?

Natalie Figueroa: Get some fuckin' therapy, man!

Debbie Doggett: [to her case worker at the social security office about young Tiffany] See for yourself she ain't right in the head. Never had all what belongs to her, poor thang. But we take what the Lord gives us...

[pause]

Debbie Doggett: Anyhow, so's I understand it, supplemental security income benefits for little bessie bugs like mine is $314 a month. Is that right?