Michelle Darnell: Let's watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre!

Michelle Darnell: I tried a Dorito for the first time last night. It wasn't cheese. It was... cheese adjacent, but not cheese. It was really good!

Rachel: Holy shit!

Claire: Language!

[Sees Darnell]

Claire: Holy SHIT!

Mike Beals: Looks like someone loves Mortal Kombat.

Claire: Michelle, if you can't give me a raise, I can't continue to work here.

Michelle Darnell: Well, look who finally showed up to my seminar. About time, Claire, I love it. I didn't know you were listening all these years. What am I always saying?

Tito: Don't go in that room!

Michelle Darnell: True. I do say that, but I also say, you want something, you gotta take it. Claire, you just took it and you grew a pair in the process.

Claire: I'm holding your earrings?

Michelle Darnell: You're holding a pair of earrings, as in 2001 I paid $ 62,000 for it, and that's your raise now, it's a good raise and you earned it.

Claire: Thank you.

Tito: Congratulations on your balls, Claire!

Michelle Darnell: [from trailer] My name is Michelle Darnell, and I am the wealthiest woman in America. How wealthy am I? I wanted to come down on a golden phoenix and I sure as shit did it!

Michelle Darnell: It's hilarious. It's like that classic comedy gag, 'Who's on my baseball?'.

Tito: Who's on my baseball?

Michelle Darnell: Who's on my baseball?

Tito: Uh, who's on my baseball?

Michelle Darnell: Who's on my baseball?

Claire: I think it's uh, 'Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third'. Right?

Michelle Darnell: I don't think that's...

Tito: Uh... no?

Michelle Darnell: Uh, I think you're on my baseball.

Tito: Who's on my baseball!

Michelle Darnell: First base!

Tito: [singing] What's on my baseball!

Michelle Darnell: [from trailer] Whoo! That batch is *burnt*!

Michelle Darnell: Pity's all you've got. Pity's your best friend.

Michelle Darnell: I am amazed that the United Center is even still standing because I crushed it tonight!

Tito: You crushed it like velvet!

Michelle Darnell: Thank you. Great encounter. It's always, uh, fun, and uh, I think I'm done with you.

Claire: [Knocking on the bathroom door, while Michelle is in the bathroom] Michelle, you gotta get out of the bathroom. I'm already late for work and Rachel's gonna be late for school.

Michelle Darnell: [From inside the bathroom] Well, I'm going as fast as I can. You're welcome to come in.

Claire: [Opening the door to find Michelle applying self-tanning spray] Fine, but we gotta get on the schedule if you're gonna be here. Oh, my God! Close your robe!

Michelle Darnell: No, absolutely not! I'm self-tanning and my legs are still wet.

Claire: I can see your vagina.

Michelle Darnell: Well, congratulations and you're welcome. You know, I had it rejuvenated in 2010. They called it a vaguvenation. You know, it's like a soft silk coin purse.


Michelle Darnell: I can barely urinate.

Claire: [Still in shock] Oh, my God.

Michelle Darnell: Now, do me a favor and tell me if I have any streaks on my hamstrings.

[Turns around, bends over and lifts up her robe as Rachel comes into the bathroom]

Claire: Oh, my God! Put it away!

Michelle Darnell: Huh!

Claire: Put it away!

Rachel: Whoa!

Michelle Darnell: [Turns around] Hi, Racquel.

Rachel: It's Rachel!

Claire: Go grab your backpack, honey. We don't need to brush our teeth today. Our teeth are fine.

[Rachel leaves the room, as Michelle goes back to spraying her leg with self-tanning spray]

Claire: . You need to wipe some of that off your face. You know, it dries darker.

Michelle Darnell: No. Does it?

[Grabs the bottle]

Claire: Yes.

Michelle Darnell: That's not what the bottle says.

[She wipes her face with a bath towel]

Michelle Darnell: Oh. Oh, it's okay. It's coming off like a dream on your towel.

Claire: You need to clean up the bathroom and... consider staying away from self-tanner altogether. Your... pelvic region is the color of curry.

Michelle Darnell: Namaste, Claire. Thank you.

Claire: That's not a compliment.