- Jim Henson: The writers on the seventeenth floor tied a belt around Big Bird's neck and hung him from my dressing room door.
- Michael O'Donoghue: Hey, Jim! I heard about Big Bird. So sorry. Auto-erotic asphyxiation, who knew?
- Don Pardo: [practicing his lines] Chevy Chase, Gilda Radner, Dan... Ike...
- [to Paul Shaffer]
- Don Pardo: How the fuck do you pronounce this?
- Paul Shaffer: Aykroyd.
- Lorne Michaels: Look, my name is Lorne Michaels, I'm the producer of "Saturday Night".
- Doorman: The whole night?
- Lorne Michaels: [sarcastically] Yeah, the whole night.
- Chevy Chase: Am I still in the show?
- [falls over a trash can]
- Lorne Michaels: Jesus Christ!
- Chevy Chase: Sorry. Tripped over my penis.
- Dick Ebersol: You know, I was thinking: why don't we punt? We should run the dress rehearsal and claw back a win next Saturday.
- Lorne Michaels: We can't, Dick, it's a live show.
- Dick Ebersol: We're just not ready.
- Lorne Michaels: Doesn't matter that we're ready, it matters that it's 11:30, that's when we go on.
- Dick Ebersol: Lorne, all I'm trying to do is give you advice. It's in everyone's best interest, mainly yours.
- Lorne Michaels: All right, was that a threat?
- Dick Ebersol: NBC makes more money playing reruns of The Tonight Show.
- Lorne Michaels: NBC is lucky to have something as relevant as this show!
- Dick Ebersol: Lorne, they don't even want it!
- Lorne Michaels: Oh, that's logical, Dick, that's why they're paying us all to be here!
- Dick Ebersol: I mean, Lorne, 90 minutes of live television by a group of 20-year-olds who've never made anything! Do you ever stop and wonder why they said yes? A counterculture show starring total unknowns with zero narrative and even less structure! They want you to fail.
- Lorne Michaels: We just have to make it to air.
- Dan Aykroyd: [Helping Neil who has just smoked LSD] That's a potent dragon you're riding there, kid. What you smoked was a sacred strain from the Isan plateau of Thailand, I believe.
- Chevy Chase: The best plateau.
- Dan Aykroyd: Make no mistake about it, that stick's probably stronger than a bull elephant. But uh listen, we're all a little freaked out, so why don't you come out and we can check on your face, make sure it's not inside-out, okay?
- Dan Aykroyd: [Neil steps out, Dan pretends to scream but calms down and pulls him aside] I'm just kidding bud, you're gonna be fine, I'll fix you up with some amphetamines, you'll be fit as a fiddle.
- Dick Ebersol: What kind of show is it, Lorne? Do you even know what the show is?
- Lorne Michaels: Did anyone ask Edison what a lightbulb was before he harnessed electricity?
- Dick Ebersol: Who are you in the metaphor?
- Dave Wilson: Okay, let's see if we can get through one of these skits.
- Lorne Michaels: Sketches, Davey. Please.