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  • Opening credits proclaim DIRTY SECRETS as a Kay Brandt movie, but it isn't a movie, isn't dirty and there are no secrets. Its correct title should be Girl/Girl Generic Sex Vol. 173.

    Applying the auteur theory to all of show biz, I've been checking out Brandt's work recently and after the promising big budget 2 Cherry features, lately she's coming up empty. The ostensible premise of this video is an adult movie crew renting Lana's house for a lesbian-shoot, and the effect this has on the straight-laced femme owner (can an airbnb porn video be next?). But over the course of an unendurable two hours nothing happens, only girl on girl sex performed at a glacial pace.

    Contrasting with the languid performances (even the ubiquitous Zoe Holloway lies there like a silent lump during her half-hour opening scene) is hard rock library music on the soundtrack, completely arbitrary. The cast is not unattractive but apart from well-tattooed, nipple-pierced Nikki Hearts they are indistinctive and seemingly randomly chosen.

    Brandt takes writing credit and in a useless BTS short subject on the DVD the actresses are seen clutching scripts, but the dialog is improvised and thoroughly uninteresting - no drama, no nothing. Star Odette Delacroix, a tiny flat-chested blonde, interacts briefly with the house owner Lana (Brenda James) and the porn director Jade (Judy Thompson, a Polly Walker lookalike and erstwhile star of "Cherry" 1 & 2, again in a non-sex role), but nothing comes of it.

    Film's hoary climax comes after the porn troupe wraps and leaves (even though we never see the crew nor do we see Jade do any actual directing, the sex scenes presented as if shot continuously by some hidden cameras).

    Lana masturbates and highlights of the sex scenes, which she never saw being shot since she was elsewhere in the house, are shown as flashbacks, and then one of the actresses (Casey Stone) mysteriously (through the magic of Brandt-who-cares approach) appears on the bed with her to service her. When their fingering and rubbing ceases, Casey wonders if Lana's ever done this before, and the mature heroine responds "Only in my dreams". That corny sentiment would fly except that Brenda James as Lana does the lesbian sex thing more professionally than the rest of the cast, earning her a typically phony "Best actress" nomination from one of the industry's typically phony trade organizations.

    Perhaps the only personal touch during the duration is when Odette says she's been reading "50 Shades of Grey" on her tablet, but immediately reveals that was just a joke. Seems Brandt envies the success possible in the real movie (and publishing) industry, but her career trajectory in the Adult universe has been decidedly downward since the Cherrys, especially given the absence of any promised Cherry 3, Cherry 4, etc. to complete that saga's storyline.