Tatiana: One time I got high, I read the back of the shampoo bottle for thirteen hours.

Jeanie Stangle: Because it said repeat.

Tatiana: Rinse and repeat.

Jeanie Stangle: I get it.

Tatiana: The key to teaching children is repetition. You'd be surprised how stupid they are.

Mike Stangle: You look like burn victim Barbie.

Mike Stangle: What's next? I'm gonna walk in on Mom giving Dad a... a push-pop?

Dave Stangle: What's a push-pop?

Mike Stangle: I made it up, Dave. It's a sexual term that I just made up.

Dave Stangle: What's a push-pop?

Mike Stangle: I don't know.

Dave Stangle: What's a push-pop!

Mike Stangle: I don't know!

Dave Stangle: WHAT'S A PUSH-POP?

Mike Stangle: I've been to the bowels of the internet and I've never seen a push-pop.

Dave Stangle: God, just tell me, what's a push-pop?

Mike Stangle: It's a whole hand up an ass, David. Is that what you want me to say?

Dave Stangle: Oh... Oh, God!

Mike Stangle: Two hands! Two hands pushing the pop! Pushing the pop! Is that what you want me to say? I'll send you some links.

Tatiana: Suck my clit, fuckers!

Mike Stangle: Somebody over cooked the soft pretzel. My dick is hard, that's what I'm saying. Give me five minutes.

Tatiana: [about Mike] He looks like a fun-house mirror version of a better looking guy. But he really is that guy.

Burt Stangle: [about bringing dates to the wedding] We don't want you showing up stag and riling each other up.

Mike Stangle: We don't rile each other up!

Burt Stangle: We *never* get riled up!

Mike Stangle: I don't get riled!

Dave Stangle: He doesn't, and I don't either!

Dave Stangle: Maybe Dad'll just forget about his ultimatum.

Mike Stangle: Why would Dad forget about an old tomato?

Dave Stangle: No, his ul... his ultimatum.

Mike Stangle: Old tom...?

Dave Stangle: Ultimatum.

Mike Stangle: Are you saying "old tomato"?

Dave Stangle: Ultima-*tum*, like a tomb or a crypt.

Eric: One time I saw a movie, then walked across the hall and saw another movie. And I didn't even pay until afterwards.

Burt Stangle: I want you two to bring a date. That's two dates.

Dave Stangle: You want us to bring dates to a wedding?

Mike Stangle: Excuse me?

Dave Stangle: Are you allowed to do that?