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  • My Father and I were really excited because my older brother came back to visit us from his 3 year stint living in Portugal. We know his favourite film is Apocalypse Now so we decided to treat him and began our journey to the X-Rated video store. The X-Rated video store unfortunately didn't have Apocalypse Now but once I saw the title of this film I was convinced that it would have the same premise.

    The film begins by panning into Jason Brown, I would describe his character as a mysterious rogue, not unlike Han Solo (Harrison Ford) from Star Wars, actually he had a very uncanny resemblance. This left me curious as to where exactly Chewbacca was? Ava Akira comes over to his barracks and after a brief conversation she decides to seductively take off her clothing ready to service the brave warrior. It was about this time that I discovered where Chewbacca was as Ava had a vagina that resembled a Wookie who for some reason forgot to remove his dental floss? At this point I find that the dialogue starts to take a U-Turn, Ava was an admirable actress in her last film but she just didn't seem as into the role as before. I was quite disappointed also that Jason didn't have any dog tags on and was the kind of guy who was responsible enough to use a condom... He's supposed to be a careless rogue, using a condom doesn't fit that characteristic.

    D. Snoop, a charming young gentleman eventually interrupts them when he knocks on the door to borrow some cream (Why you'd want to borrow cream at 12 at night is beyond me) apparently he got his cream which is all well and good but didn't make me feel great as I was eating a Müller light at the time because I'm on a diet. My Father told me that no girl wants to date a man who can't see his own penis when he urinates, thanks Dad, but I can see it if I look in the mirror..

    Finally the moment of truth, Pizza delivery guy finally knocked on our door, I wasn't allowed pepperoni because of the recent diet so had to pick off the pepperoni and put Cabbage, Marmite and Salad cream on top. This wasn't very good though because a large amount of the scene had cream that looked similar to the Salad Cream that I had on my face (I'm a messy eater) it made my Brother and Father poke fun at me and call me a "Fluffer" which I still don't understand because I'm not even hairy in the slightest because I shave my legs.

    So this is finally it, Commanding Officer makes an appearance and says "C'mon soldiers... time to lock and load our guns... For MERICUHH!" this is the part where I felt like things would get heavy, They were bravely marching into a battlefield in unison, my heart was pounding, unfortunately the film couldn't get the licensing to the American National anthem so had to play "All out of love" by Air Supply. It didn't really work and reminded me of my Ex-lover so much that it made me cry... Well, she wasn't a lover as such, she was a girl that I went to college with who once tripped and accidentally put her hand on my crotch, in 26 years of existence it's the closest I've ever came to loving a woman and I've kept the stained underwear to prove it.

    Anyway, they eventually get to the battle... Most of their fellow soldiers are gone and there are just 3 scantily clad Asian women. Will we finally see this final battle?

    Commanding Officer screams "Lock and load boys." and makes an Epic speech which was very powerful however none of the women can speak English due to them being natives... Commanding Officer Sean bravely states "I don't care if this is your country, you will learn to speak American!" this was a very powerful scene to me because I've always wanted to learn how to understand and speak American.

    Unfortunately this ending didn't end with any gunfire at all... Well, it sort of did. Unfortunately they just ended up having sexual intercourse and then the war was over as the historically accurate news report echoed loudly from the Television in the burned out electronics store "That's it guys, America have won, we can go home!". It was a very abrupt ending but I of course admired how historically accurate they made the film.

    My Rating - 5/10 - We were all extremely disappointed that there weren't more combat scenes as this film for some reason seemed to focus more on dialogue and of course sexual intercourse which bothered me quite a lot... It could be because I've never had sexual intercourse with anyone other than Mai Hand but even so, I thought this films plot was broken. Also I've been put off seating salad cream for life so will probably remain unable to see my penis when I urinate.

    My Fathers Rating - 6/10 - I feel that the sex scenes were excellent and it gave me an opportunity to pick on my son which I always like. I feel like dialogue wise this film is a lot like my Youngest Son in the sense that it's mixed up and unnecessary.

    My Older Brothers Rating - 2/10 - I have a really weird family and something has er... come up that's really important and it kinda means that I have to suddenly go back to Portugal tomorrow and sadly for some reason I'll never be able to come back and see my Family again... Or introduce them to my girlfriend... In fact I'm deleting them both from my Facebook page now because they've tagged me in a picture in front of the television set with a sex scene in the background.