Lex Poles Little Holes

May I start out by saying that this seemed like a no brainer, the perfect solution to me and my Fathers often conflicting tastes. You see, my Father used to be a fire fighter back in the day before my Mum left him and he had his breakdown and me? Well, I am a really huge fan of golfing especially Tiger Woods, while I don't necessarily agree with his relationship ethics I can appreciate that three holes are better than a hole in one.

Spicy Nacho dip and Doritos filled up and we're ready to go...

The Film starts up with a wide angle camera that pans slowly into a room of a strip club, Motley Crues 'Girls, Girls, Girls!' playing in the backdrop. I am wondering at this point exactly when the golfing will take place, but I'm extremely patient.

The woman was grinding up and down the pole which my Father very much enjoyed but I couldn't help but pay attention to the ambient noises of what sounded like somebody slapping a wet fish.

Later on we're greeted by the male character 'Lexington Steele' who made me feel extremely small, what with him being around 6'4 at least. Lexington was a very charming and caring man, just like my Father was before my Mum cheated on him with multiple partners.

At this point I felt the need to go to the toilet, I paused the film and in a desperate frantic pace I ran to the toilet, everything seemed normal until I pulled back my skin and began to realise that I hadn't washed the spicy nacho cheese dip off my fingers. Seems kinda irrelevant right? No, because it means that I was immersed, so immersed that I forgot to wash the spice off my fingers, so immersed that I for a moment didn't care about my genitals... So immersed that I screamed like a little girl out of that bathroom and into my Fathers arms for comfort.

Anyway, a good half hours cry and a copious amount of Sudocrem later... Perhaps finally some golf? Allie Haze says "You have a hole to fill" and the excitement ramps up, however NO golfing at all actually took place she just had really good sex. Well, at least I think that it was good, I've never been with a woman before and I'm not sure if she was moaning in pain or what... Coming to think of it I never saw Lex lick a bean at all and what would be the point? Baked beans are better on toast, everyone knows that.

My Father was getting really excited when the Blonde haired lady came on, I was too she was extremely pretty and had a gorgeous rack. I think that the reason why my Father was getting so excited is because she bared a striking resemblance to my Mother who moved out to LA to be with her partner Aaron (or as he likes to be called, Big Poppa) roughly 6 years ago. This made my Father quite excitable because he really misses her, she looked just like my Mum in fact, even down to the birthmark on her lower thigh, how coincidental is that?! Anyways, no golfing happens and no fire fighting to speak of, however there was a pole involved at the beginning the acting is great and while Lex made me feel insecure at first I grew to like him for his sensitive side (his left bum cheek has a spot on it that kinda looks like a love heart, aww!) Our Ratings: My Rating: 7/10 - Immersive, good acting, good soundtrack and great actors (especially you Lex, if you're reading this give me your number so we can hook up and do guy things like drink beer and watch badminton) however I did feel like the women were distracting me from Lexingtons hot abs and rock hard shaft so I'm gonna have to deduct points.

My Fathers Rating: 9/10 - I loved this film, especially the end, it got me where I needed to go, speaking of which I'm not sure how long I'll be able to give my opinion as I'm fairly sure my son is sending me to a home soon... I hate my life and my Son.