Nikita XXX (2012)

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3 August 2015 | lor_
Dreadful imitation of Besson classic made with zero effort
I'm sure some jerk out there is planning a Master's Thesis on Adult porn parodies of movies & TV shows, perhaps just to prove how debased our educational system has become. If so, he should put NIKITA XXX in the bibliography as a clear example of what's gone wrong.

The final end credit attests that "Nikita XXX is a parody", usual disclaimer to avoid lawsuits. But it is not -as usual it is merely a lame attempt to cash in on someone else's achievement.

I've seen nearly all the features and TV inspired by Luc Besson's ground- breaking movie, which essentially (and very cleverly) created a sub-genre, similar to the way George Miller's MAD MAX created a particular type of post- Apocalyptic Earth sub-genre within the familiar End of the World genre. British- made NIKITA XXX is not only the worst Nikita to date but earns many other negative superlatives: try cheesiest, most uneventful, poorest from a technical standpoint, least interesting characters, etc., etc. It's far worse than the same director's CRANKED, but who cares?

Gemma Massey is seriously miscast in the title role as punk Gemma, code- named Nikita after the seriously untalented writer/male lead and exec producer of this travesty Paul Chaplin as Dorian, takes her under his wing to train her to be a super-spy. I see that Chaplin shared an award (with another clunker of a film, Marc Dorcel's RITUAL) for a movie he directed, merely evidence of the stupidity or perhaps corruptibility of the industry org that handed it to him.

Scenes in the film are lifted intact from Besson's work, but through the magic of George Orwell's doublespeak, that is considered parody rather than plagiarism. I refuse to kowtow to that nonsensical notion, and would like a second opinion, perhaps a Supreme Court decision (after all, back in the day the Supreme Court routinely screened and decided on obscene (or not) works submitted to it) determining that this pernicious trend in Adult video production is in fact illegal.

But it is far more basic matters that make NIKITA XXX a world-class stinker. Massey, in one scene so short I thought they were kidding, cannot act, is not attractive, has routinely, not even extravagantly, fake breasts, and is not even physically up to the action role. She humps, as do the other cast members, but in a crowded market for Adult entertainment that is not enough.

Besides her miscasting, the untalented helmer Twain in partnership with scripter Chaplin have not bothered to create any other characters beyond those for Massey & Chaplin himself. Even though big-name stars, many of them shipped over from California, are in the cast, like Andy San Dimas, Bobbi Starr, Gracie Glam and Tommy Gunn, few even have names ascribed to their roles. Gunn is Yuri, but has nothing to do or say; Diana Doll got the usually plum (in these imitations) role of Madame Beatrice, the beautiful woman who teaches Nikita all she needs to know about becoming Mata Hari, but here she just trots out a lousy Mittle European accent and humps Gemma lesbian style.

Anna Lovato as The Colonel (an American military big-shot) pops up briefly but is also seemingly written out (if in fact Chaplin knows how to write) of the script. The rest of the talent is billed as Guard, Dancer, Agent, or my favorite: Sea J. Raw as Bad Girl Tall. I guess Chaplin or whoever wrote these credits has no command of the Queen's English.

Before signing off, I need to point out the drab, cheapo sets, poor lighting, and worst of all, the horrendous editing within a scene that does in fact qualify as parody -parody of a crummy music video. Perhaps Mr. Marc Twain's day job is cranking out music videos and he only graces the Adult arena in order to meet pretty girls.

So when AVN nominated Chaplin for a total of six awards covering 2010 on his BATMAN ripoff, one can see that the porn media that should be acting as a watchdog or critic of pernicious trends is actually part of the problem.

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