Adventures in Eden (2013)

Not really a follow-up to Adam & Eve's big-budget "Eden" project shot six years earlier, this sex travelogue suffers from an imbecilic script from Cash Markman (what else is new?) and brain-dead direction by one "Eric Avalon". Avalon, if indeed such a person exists, is credited with dozens of Brazilian features for Adam & Eve but if I had to hazard a guess I would credit Jake Jacobs as the auteur, he being the cameraman and maker of his own Brazilian features for other labels like Penthouse (and Jake presides over the feature-length BTS on the DVD as if he were the man in charge).

Not to waste time or money, A & E simultaneously shot a second, lesser- known companion feature with exactly the same cast and crew titled "Secret of Sex Island", one I'm not looking forward to watching, but will, alas, eventually.

But at the moment, "Eden" concerns a middle-aged schlump played by Evan Stone who dreams of being in the Garden of Eden as Adam, quite a stretch for the paunchy, over-the-hill ham-bone actor. There he encounters Eve in the person of Allie Haze who (as flavor of the month back when this feature was shot) gets top billing even though that should have been afforded to India Summer as Stone's wife.

Markman, who uses the moniker Marc Cushman in his day job teaching unfortunate students the art of screen writing (!!), injects an obnoxious character as the (cheap puppet) serpent in the Garden, making wisecracks and generally leading Evan astray. It's Markman self-indulgence at its worst, frequently and oh-so-cutely breaking the fourth wall with in- jokes and meta-film references, e.g., declaring "I just told everybody in the voice-over" and "What happens in Eden stays in Eden". I guess Cushman's dreams of becoming a fourth-rate Vegas lounge comic were dashed many decades ago. At any rate, he manages to give his favorite actor (NonSex) Frank Bukkwyd a job as the serpent's voice.

Film falls apart early as director Avalon abandons continuity and just throws in sex scenes willy-nilly. Evan witnesses an orgy on the beach that mixes Chatsworth talent like Krissy Lynn and Michael Vegas with pick-up Brazilian players on location including the beautifully busty Fabiane Thompson, a fixture in these "vacation" style shoots.

Avalon's sloppiness is most evident in handling the gimmick of wife India popping up in the dream, as we see her in the beach orgy earlier but dimwitted Evan supposedly doesn't recognize her until later when he's face to face.

Despite her billing, Haze gets lost in the shuffle en route to an ultra- cornball finale of Evan pleading "All I really want is to have my wife back", cuing his wake-up back in bed and humping India, pledging to turn over a new leaf. Cushman through snake narration gets the last, stupid word: "Adventure is a state of mind...and genitals". Words to live by, if your a hack writer whose 1,000-plus output consists entirely of porn videos.