Agnes Brown: Are you feckin' mad? How much?

Tax Official: Four million Euro.

Agnes Brown: Four million Euro?

Winnie McGoogan: Ah, listen, love, there must be some mistake.

Winnie McGoogan: Jesus, now you've killed her.

Agnes Brown: How much?

Maydo Archer: It was in 841 AD when the Vikings first started trading in Dovelinn, or "black pool", from which, of course, Dublin gets its name.

P.R. Irwin: Justice, context is one thing, but 841 AD, seriously?

Justice Cannon: At least he didn't begin "In the beginning there was Heaven".

Agnes Brown: So, I've had quite a large tax bill. Four million Euro. But you mustn't worry.

Grandad Brown: I'm not worrying. It's not my problem.

Winnie McGoogan: Your mammy's right. There's nothing to worry about. The man in the Revenue Office said it was probably a mistake.

Agnes Brown: When did he say that?

Winnie McGoogan: Just after you passed out.

Agnes Brown: But why didn't you tell me?

Winnie McGoogan: You were passed out.

Agnes Brown: For God's sake, sometimes you're as useless as a knitted condom.

Agnes Brown: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Father Damien: This box is already in use.

Agnes Brown: Winnie, get out.

Winnie McGoogan: Not until I've heard your sins. Father, I'm much more sinful than her.

Father Damien: What?

Agnes Brown: Will you get out, for Jesus' sake?

Father Damien: Mrs Brown' do not take the Lord's name in vain.

Agnes Brown: Sorry, Father, I'll add it on to my list in a minute.

Maydo Archer: Right, let's face these fuckers.

Agnes Brown: Careful, your Tourette's is kicking in.

Maydo Archer: No, they're just fuckers.

Mark Brown: Morning, Ma.

Agnes Brown: Hello, Mark. Hello, Betty.

Mark Brown: Great news, Ma.

Agnes Brown: You're pregnant? Oh, thank God. A brother for Bono. I'll start knitting.

Betty Brown: It's not a brother for Bono.

Agnes Brown: A sister for Bono. I'll start knitting.

Betty Brown: I'm not pregnant.

Agnes Brown: Are you sure?

Customer: What's the difference between those apples for 50 cents and those for apples for 75?

Agnes Brown: Well these ones are low fat. They're called Granny Smith Lite.

Customer: I'll take of the low fat 75 cent ones.

Agnes Brown: Farm-fresh eggs! So fresh the hen doesn't even know they're missing yet!

Justice Dickie: Are we "not guilty" again today, Buster?

Buster Brady: We are.

Michael Gibney: So, Mr Cunningham, will you tell the court how many horses do you own?

Cunningham: Seven. But six now, since that b*****d stole one.

Tom Crews: I object. He is pointing at my client. That is prejudicial.

Justice Dickie: That, Mr Crews, is because your client is on trial here.

Tom Crews: That's fair enough, I suppose, isn't it?

Buster Brady: He's good, isn't he?

Justice Dickie: Are we "not guilty" again today, Buster?

Buster Brady: We are.

Tom Crews: So, Mr Cunningham, will you tell the court how many horses do you own?

Cunningham: Seven. But six now, since that bastard stole one.

Tom Crews: I object. He is pointing at my client. That is prejudicial.

Justice Dickie: That, Mr Crews, is because your client is on trial here.

Tom Crews: That's fair enough, I suppose, isn't it?

Buster Brady: He's good, isn't he?

P.R. Irwin: Another one gone, Ivan. Now all we need are four more, and we can start building.

P.R. Irwin: And once we have started building, all of the other stall holders will just shut up shop.

Ivan Bognobovitch: He says get building shopping centre, or he will rip off your fucking head and sheet down your neck. The working class can fuck my ass.

P.R. Irwin: "Kiss my arse".

Ivan Bognobovitch: What?

P.R. Irwin: The words are "kiss my arse". "Fuck my arse" is an entirely...

Agnes Brown: Wish me luck.

Agnes Brown: Hello? How do you do? Speaking.

Agnes Brown: It's him. It is a mistake? I only owe 3.8 million. Well, that's a relief. I won't have to sell the feckin' yacht.

Winnie McGoogan: I think you will have to sell the yacht.

Rory Brown: How long have you had a yacht?

Dermot Brown: How much is a yacht worth?

Agnes Brown: I don't have a feckin' yacht!

Grandad Brown: I have a better idea. I get the old unit together. We blow up the Revenue Office, then we barricade ourselves in here, prime the place with booby traps and take out the first tax man that comes near. They'll never take you alive.

Agnes Brown: Somebody get his feckin' tablets.

Justice Cannon: Is there anyone in court who reads Braille?

Member of court: Don't fucking look at me

Tom Crews: Now, I can't make head nor tails of this. According to this reference number, you need a licence to import cobra snakes.

Trevor Brown: That's not a reference number. It's a date.

Agnes Brown: I said cheap. I didn't mean this fucking cheap.

Agnes Brown: Good morning, Dublin! Get the finest of fruit and vegetables from all over the world right here! The best of fruit! The greenest of greens! And the friendliest of service!

[Customer stands over stall to look]

Agnes Brown: Tom, if you're not buying, fuck off.

Agnes Brown: How do you do?

NRO Receptionist: [Speaking into headset mic] Hello?

Agnes Brown: [Forgets line] F**k.

[Out of character]

Agnes Brown: Two chips, one small cod.

[Actors start laughing]

Agnes Brown: Do you want salt and vinegar'?

Winnie McGoogan: [Out of character] Yeah.

Agnes Brown: [Out of character] Salt and vinegar on one, please.

Tom Crews: Hello, Mary. Now Mary, can you tell us what you remember about that morning in the Revenue Office?

Philomena Nine Warts: She's a bit deaf.

Tom Crews: Oh, right. Sorry, right. MARY! CAN YOU TELL ME...

Agnes Brown: Excuse me. She said "deaf" not "retarded".

Maydo Archer: I don't know. We have to get in there.

Justice Cannon: Maybe if you disguise yourself.

Maydo Archer: Disguise?

Justice Cannon: Yeah. You could disguise yourself as a man.

Maydo Archer: [Looks at camera] No, Winnie, I'd never get away with it.

Justice Cannon: Do we have all the parties here?

Tom Crews: Yes, I am the solicitor for the defendant, Tom Crews.

Maydo Archer: And, Justice, I am Senior Counsel.

Justice Cannon: Let me guess. Tom Hanks?

Maydo Archer: Mr Maydo Archer.

Justice Cannon: Mr Maydo Archer. I have not seen you in a courtroom for a very long time.

Maydo Archer: Indeed, Justice.

Justice Cannon: Do we still have that Tourette's thing?

Maydo Archer: Not nearly as much, Justice. And I do not anticipate it affecting this case.

Justice Cannon: Ah, well, welcome back.

Justice Cannon: Who have we here for the State?

Michael Gibney: Michael Gibney, solicitor, Justice. I... await Senior Counsel.

P.R. Irwin: Here, Justice.

Maydo Archer: Wank, wank.

Justice Cannon: What did you say, Mr Maydo Archer?

Agnes Brown: He said "wank, wank".

Maydo Archer: Nothing, Justice. Just clearing my throat.

Agnes Brown: A wank won't clear your throat, son.

Gregor: [Gregor picks up fruit]

Agnes Brown: Just the one love, that'll be 75 cents.

Gregor: [Speaks in Russian]

Agnes Brown: 75 f***ing cent.

Gregor: [Crushes the piece of fruit]

Agnes Brown: Now it's a smoothie, that's 2.50.

Gregor: Hey! You sell your stall you stupid bitch!

Agnes Brown: Excuse me a moment.

[Grabs a wooden mallet from under the stall and hits Gregor in the hand with it]

Agnes Brown: [Gregor in screeching pain] Anything else, love?

Gregor: I'll be back.

Agnes Brown: Hasta la vista, Arnie.