Gru: You told me my father died of disappointment the day I was born!

Lucy Wilde: [from trailer]

[spotting Gru and Dru with a weapon]

Lucy Wilde: So, you two are villains now?

Gru: Whaa...?

[hides the weapon]

Gru: I mean, hello, sweetie.

Dru: [whispering to Gru out of the corner of his mouth] Busted...

Gru: Wait, did we...

Dru: ...just finish...

Gru: ...each...

Dru: ...other's...

GruDru: Sentences!

Dru: [laughs]

Gru: [laughs] Sorry, it's a twin thing.

[from trailer]

Lucy Wilde: Agents Grucy are closing fast!

Gru: Yes! Wait, wha? What did you call us?

Lucy Wilde: Grucy. You know, Gru and Lucy mushed together. Grucy.

Gru: [laughs] I like it, but not a lot. I don't like it.

Agnes: The soup of the day, madame and monsieur. The Gummi Bears were my idea.

Gru: [Looks warily at soup] Mmm. Looks almost too good to even eat. Am I right?

Agnes: But I made it for you.

Gru: [Takes a spoonful, struggles to avoid retching] Mmm, mmm, mmm! Good soup! I love the combination...

[swallows]

Gru: ... of Gummi Bears and meat.

Balthazar Bratt: [On TV] Gum one, gum all!

Balthazar Bratt: "Gum one, gum all!" Seriously, how did this show not win an Emmy?

[from trailer]

Lucy Wilde: [about Dru's mansion] This place is amazing!

Dru: It's nice, I guess, sure.

[puts on sunglasses]

Dru: I'm not really into things...

[opens the doors, which reveals tons of red vehicles]

Dru: Face it, Gru! Villainy is in your blood!

[from trailer]

Minion: [looks at a statue of a Gru relative and laughs; to another Minion] Hey, sesct Gru gon boobs!

Mel the Minion: [singing onstage in the Sing competition with other Minions] Pito pato milo mila taka tiki poulet tika Cepa la joi demitoka lana moule macarena. Pao leggis pabo pati mele cepa maka guta mami lebel mela mustache elle muchaaaa...

Balthazar Bratt: Hello, Gru. How's your transition coming? You know, from world's worst villain to world's worst agent.

[pulls out a gun and aims it at Gru]

Gru: [sarcastic] Oh, that's hilarious. You should be on TV.

[slaps the gun away]

Gru: Oh, that's right, you were!

[aims the Freeze Ray and aims it at Bratt]

Gru: But then you got canceled!

[laughs]

Balthazar Bratt: [kicks the Freeze Ray away; pulls out a humongous gun and aims it at Gru] Ha ha!

Gru: Oh, what about that?

[punches the gun away and squirts a squirt gun at Bratt]

Gru: Whaa...? Ah, girls!

[throws the squirt gun at Bratt and throws punches at him]

Balthazar Bratt: [dodges the punches] Dance fight!

[dodges and dances as Gru tries to catch him]

Margo: No, I meant to be tougher on them, not me!

[from trailer]

Gru: [hanging naked from strings of bubble gum; passes a window with a group of people singing happy birthday who start laughing and taking photos] Happy Birthday dear Dan. Happy Birthday...

Minions: [watching from binoculars] ... to you!

[laugh]

[from trailer]

Dru: [to Gru] I brought you here to continue the family business. Villainy is in your blood!

[from trailer]

Gru: [about villainy] I left that life behind me.

Dru: I understand. Hmm, I wonder what this does.

[pulls down a lever which reveals the Despicamobile]

Gru: Ho ho ho! Holy moly!

Dru: Become a villain again.

Gru: Mmmm...

Agnes: [to the Scar Faced Man] You saw a for real, like, unicorn? What did it look like? Did you pet it? Did it smell like candy? Was it FLUFFY?

The Scar Faced Man: It was so fluffy... I thought I was gonna die!

[Agnes smiles and screams extremely loud]

Lucy Wilde: [outside the shop] Agnes!

[breaks in and severely attacks everyone]

Lucy Wilde: Excuse me!

[grabs a dart from someone and puts it in another person]

Lucy Wilde: Don't worry, I'm here!

[picks Agnes up]

Lucy Wilde: Are you okay?

[pants]

Edith: Yeah, we're fine. Are you...?

Agnes: Unicorns are really real! And I'm gonna find ONE!

[happily runs outside the shop]

Lucy Wilde: [to everyone who is knocked out on the floor after she attacked them] Sorry. Went a little mamma bear on ya. You know, I heard a scream and... Yeah, okay. Have a good one!

[from TV Spot]

Valerie Da Vinci: Agent Gru, YOU'RE FIRED!

Lucy Wilde: If you fire him, you're gonna have to fire me. Do you really wanna do that? Alu-ya.

[guards throw them out]

Lucy Wilde: Well, I guess she did.

[from TV Spot]

Gru: Minions, we're going back to villainy!

[Minions cheer]

[from Trailer]

Prisoner: [to a Minion after they all shower] We've been waiting a long time.

Prisoner: [Minion whips him with towel] No, no!

Balthazar Bratt: [Repeated line] I've been a bad boy!

Gru: [about the hundreds of Bratt dolls in his lair] He must have bought them all. Who would want a doll like this?

Dru: Ooh, I used to have one of these!

[last lines]

Lucy Wilde: Let's get him.

Gru: Honey, he's my brother. We'll give him a 5 minute head start.

Balthazar Bratt: You've ruined everything! And now it's time to die! Any last words, Gru!

Gru: You know what? I got two words for you: dance fight!

[starts dancing]

Balthazar Bratt: Oh, it is on like Donkey Kong!

Gru: [from trailer]

[to his Minions as they celebrate being villains again]

Gru: This does not mean that we are going back to being villains.

[from trailer]

Gru: Seriously?

[Fritz limps back]

Fritz: I really must...

[adjusts his spine]

Fritz: ... have a word with you on behalf of your twin brother, Dru.

Gru: Whaa? Twin brother?

Agnes: Twin brother?

Minions: Twin brother?

[from trailer]

Agnes: [selling the Fluffy Unicorn] He's really good to snuggle with.

Gru: [after Agnes sell the Fluffy Unicorn; runs over to her] Agnes, what are you doing?

Agnes: Since you don't have a job, I just wanted to help.

Minions: Aww...

[from trailer]

Dru: [jumping up and down while "hugging" Gru] Who doesn't love this guy? Look at him! Oh, the hair would make you better.

[lightly punches Gru all over, who tries to stop him]

Dru: Look at his face! Oh, he's so mad!

[does an impression of Gru's face]

[from trailer]

Gru's Mom: [shows Gru pictures of when he and Dru were babies] Shortly after you and your brother were born, your father and I divorced, and we each took one son.

[crumples up the pictures]

Gru's Mom: Obviously,

[laughs]

Gru's Mom: I got second pick.

Gru: I have a twin brother!

[from trailer]

Fritz: Excuse me.

Gru: [sighs] Hey, could you...?

[hands Fritz the vacuum wand to a vacuum]

Fritz: Oh, uh, of course. Now, as I was saying...

[vacuum turns into a small rocket]

Gru: Goodbye.

[the rocket launches with Fritz holding onto it]

Gru: I miss the Minions!

[from trailer]

Dru: [to Gru] Your discomfort is hilarious!

Balthazar Bratt: You know, Clive, playing a villain on TV was fun... but being one in real life is even better! Heist music!

Clive the Robot: Here it comes.

[puts cassette on radio; "Take My Breath Away" plays]

Balthazar Bratt: What? Clive, what are you doing? How is that heist music!

Clive the Robot: Sorry, my bad.

[Flips cassette over; "Bad" by Michael Jackson plays]

[from trailer]

Lucy Wilde: So, what did you guys do today?

GruDru: [lying] Nothing!

[from featurette]

Gru: [to Agnes] We're going to be fine.

Agnes: I just wanted to help, since you don't have a job. I got two whole dollars!

Minions: Aww...

[from featurette]

Dru: [to Gru] Ready to be villains together?

[from featurette]

Gru: How about we steal the largest diamond in the WORLD?

Lucy Wilde: [to Gru and Dru] Aw, it's so nice to see that you two are getting along. Oh, that's delightful. Not creepy at all. You're gonna stop now though, right?

Margo: Uh, it's okay to tell them no sometimes, too, you know. Moms need to be tough.

Balthazar Bratt: Jamone!

[from trailer]

Valerie Da Vinci: [looking at a photo of Bratt's attack on a military ship] It's some kind of monster!

Silas: Wait, that's not a monster!

[zooms in]

Silas: That's a man wearing shoulder pads. There's only one supervillain whose fashion sense is quite that dated... Balthazar Bratt. I want every agent on the scene immediately!

[from trailer]

Gru: [sees a military ship covered in Bratt's bubble gum] WHAAA?

[from trailer]

Dru: So, how are things career-wise?

Gru: [lying] Ha ha, great! So so great, crushing it...

[from trailer]

Lucy Wilde: Get ready!

Gru: Get ready for wha...

[Lucy propels him off his water bike and onto a military ship]

Gru: ... aaaaAAAAHH...

Balthazar Bratt: Hello, Gru.

[threatens Gru with his large gun]

Balthazar Bratt: Ha ha!

Gru: [knocks the gun away] Oh, what about that?

[squirts a squirt gun in Bratt's face]

Gru: Wha? Agh, girls!

[tries to punch Bratt, who slides beneath him]

Balthazar Bratt: Dance fight!

[dodges, dances, and sings all at once as Gru tries to catch him]

Lucy Wilde: Nobody, NOBODY curses my daughter, you got that? Because if you mess with Margo, you mess with me! And I promise, you do not want to mess with me! Do you understand me?

[from trailer]

Valerie Da Vinci: You let the most wanted villain just get away! You're fired!

[from trailer]

Gru: There's always a blind guy!

Dru: [about the Despicamobile] Goes zero to 400 in three seconds, able to withstand a nuclear blast, armed to the teeth...

[Deploys dozens of weapons]

Gru: [laughs] Okay, that's pretty nice!

Dru: And it's a hybrid.

[from TV Spot]

Prisoner: [accidentally kicks a ball the the Minions, who take advantage of it] Hey, give that back!

[Minions refuse and attack]

[from TV Spot]

[Minions come into prison room snapping fingers]

Prisoner: Oh, no. Run!

AgnesMargo: [to Gru and Lucy] Aloha!

[show them a Hawaiian decorated tree]

Gru: [irritated] This is unexpected...

Margo: [puts a lei with flowers on it on Gru] Well, you never got to go on a honeymoon, so...

Edith: [recording with her phone] ... we made you dinner!

Agnes: It's a luau!

[hands Lucy a lei with flowers on it]

Agnes: We got pineapples and coconuts and ukuleles!

[drags Lucy as Margo drags Gru]

Gru: [irritated still] Oh, yay...

Gru: You didn't have to do that, though. I know you love your job.

Lucy Wilde: I love other things more.

[as Lucy tucks the girls in]

Agnes: [sleepily] Love you, Mom.

Lucy Wilde: [goes into the hall, closes the door softly] I'm a mom... I'm a mom! AAAH!

Gru: [from trailer]

[about Balthazar Bratt]

Gru: He's getting away!

Lucy Wilde: That's what he thinks!

Dru: [from trailer] My brother! Finally, I'm meeting you!

[from trailer]

Valerie Da Vinci: [to Gru and Lucy] How could you let Balthazar Bratt just get away? You're fired!

[from trailer]

Gru: I can't wait to meet my brother!

[from trailer]

Dru: MY BROTHER!

[laughs and runs hands through hair in slow-motion]

Gru: Ugh.

Dru: You ready to continue the family tradition, you and me?

Gru: No.

[admiring a handful of weapons]

Gru: I left that life behind me.

Dru: Just one heist?

Gru: Mmm...

[from trailer]

Gru: I'm going in!

[from trailer]

Dru: [slipping down Bratt's tower toward spikes] Ah! I'm gonna be impaled! Ahh!

[stops an inch away from the spikes]

Dru: Ha ha, I'm okay!

[from trailer]

Dru: [to Lucy] You must be his beautiful wife!

[spins Lucy into his arms]

Lucy Wilde: Oh!

[laughs]

Lucy Wilde: Stop it!

[tugs on Dru's scarf]

Lucy Wilde: Sweet talker.

[from trailer]

Dru: [to Gru] My brother!

[jumps up and down and hugging Gru]

Dru: Finally I'm meeting you!

[from trailer]

Military Guard: [steps on Bratt's bubble gum] Ew...

[from trailer]

Balthazar Bratt: This is not over!

[overpowers Gru with gun]

[from trailer]

Military Officer: [to Bratt as he attempts to steal the largest diamond in the world] Freeze!

[Bratt throws an exploding 80s rubix cube at him and other guards]

Gru: [on a boat, which is zooming toward Bratt's tower] I'm going in. Take the wheel.

Dru: Ah, I still don't see why I can't go with you!

Gru: Hey, we've discussed this! Now is not the time to mess with the plans!

Dru: Fine...

[Gru shoots up onto the tower]