13 September 2018 | letande
The New Bottom
Like everybody else back in 1987, I was really impressed by Predator. It was pretty simple and straightforward movie, but it introduced a pretty neat and unique concept and, well, there was something special about the atmosphere. "...the jungle... it just came alive and took him." It was awesome. Unfortunately, sequel suffered from some seriously poor writing, while Aliens versus Predator franchise turned out to be a complete disaster. Everybody knows that and everybody wanted Predator franchise to return to its former glory one day. That's why I had some hope for this one. I seriously did. That's why I bought a ticket and went to see it the day one. I really expected to see a good Predator movie. I mean, there was no way they'll make a bad movie after all those big expectations, right? RIGHT? Well... I was naïve...
Long story short, the new Predator is EXACTLY like AvP. Only worse. Wa-a-ay worse. 999x+ times worse. Remember the first AvP movie? Remember how at the beginning it at least tried to create some atmosphere, but ended up with that girl fighting together with Predator in a very silly way? In this movie it's that exact silly stuff from very beginning and until the very end. It's so silly that it doesn't even feel like a real deal. It feels like a cheap comedy. A parody. A B-movie with AAA budget. The movie tries really hard to be like Deadpool, but the problem is... it shouldn't be like that! I mean, come on! Predator was supposed to be a mix between horror and sci-fi. With deep atmosphere. With suspense and a man versus alien in a brutal battle. Add Deadpool-like jokes about genitals and BOOM! The entire thing is ruined. Just like that. The entire audience laughed through the entire movie, can't argue with that. People like Deadpool's jokes. Not me, but... you know... as long as audience love it... If all you want is some cheap laughs, this movie has them. A lot of them. It's literally MADE of them. The entire movie is, like, one... big... JOKE. My problem, though, is that nobody warned me about the fact that this movie is a parody. It was advertised as a real deal, a big comeback, which turned out to be a cheap parody. Why? I mean... WHY???
Also, unfortunately, jokes are not the only problem here. Even though 2/3 of the movie are just that - dirty jokes. The thing is - the entire writing is bad. The entire IDEA is bad. It feels a lot like E.T., only E.T. is Predator now and kid's father is Ash freakin' Williams.
Talking About Evil Dead. Remember Army of Darkness? That's EXACTLY what this movie tries to achieve. And there are three problems with that. First: Boyd Holbrook is not Bruce Campbell. He doesn't have that thing that allowed Bruce to do his thing. He doesn't have that crazy spark in him. And as the result - his character feels absolutely, completely RIDICULOUS. Second: writers have no clue how to be crazy with style. Evil Dead franchise had that. This movie? Nope. It tries. Hard. Way too hard. But still... nope. And, finally, there was no reason to turn good ol' Predator into the Evil Dead. Evil Dead is good. Predator is good. Mix them together and here comes disaster.
The new Predator is something that may work for you at home, when you're way too drunk at your weekend to enjoy something real. When all you want is something on background with some cheap laughs, while you're eating your pizza and drinking your beer... this movie will do. Like any B-movie. Like Sharknado. But as a proper Predator movie... on big screen... for the full price... It's a disaster. Did I tell you that 3D also sucks and pretty much useless here? No? Well, it is. The new Predator is one of the very rare movies that totally made me regret paying for a ticket. Even as one time movie... it doesn't work. Back in the days, I believed that it's impossible to be worse than AvP. The new Predator proved me wrong. Ladies and gentlemen... here comes the very new bottom for the franchise.
P.S. There's one good thing about all that, though. It makes Predator 2 to look like timeless masterpiece.