Max: Are we going to be okay?

[Omi talks in German]

Max: What?

Aunt Dorothy: She said we're fucked!

Howard: We should have gone to stay with my brother!

Linda: Your brother lives in a barn!

Howard: Jesus was born in a barn!

Omi: Saint Nicholas is not coming this year. Instead, a much darker, ancient spirit. His name is Krampus. He and his helpers did not come to give, but to take. He is the shadow of Saint Nicholas.

Aunt Dorothy: I'm old enough to know when life is coming at me with its pants down.

Omi: Like he had for thousands of years, Krampus came not to reward, but to punish. Not to give, but to take.

Omi: Please, listen...

Aunt Dorothy: English. I knew it.

Howard: You're not thinking of going after that snowplow alone, are you?

Tom: Shepherd's gotta protect his flock.

Jordan: We know you still believe in the big fat creeper!

Max: I don't know what you're talking about!

Stevie: [pulls up Max's letter to Santa] Are you sure about that?

Beth Engel: [Max tries to get his letter back; Beth stops him] Stop!

Stevie: [reading] "Dear Santa, I know I haven't been great this year and I'm sorry for that, but I was really hoping you can help out me and my family this Christmas. We need you!" Oh, Maxi Pad. That is so s...

Beth Engel: [stops him from getting his letter back] Stop, Max!

Stevie: Blah blah blah. Bullshit, bullshit. Ah, here we go, Maxi's wish list!

Beth Engel: Stevie, stop! That's enough!

Stevie: Wait, you're up first, Beth!


Stevie: "I wish me and Beth could hang out like we used to."

[Beth turns her head to Max]

Stevie: "Might've noticed that I don't have tons of friends."

[she pretends to feel sorry for him and Jordan mockingly smiles]

Stevie: Oh, no, really Max?

[Jordan laughs and she continues reading]

Stevie: "I wish my Mom and Dad could fall in love again."

[Tom and Howard look at each other]

Stevie: "I know they get upset a lot with Dad away from home so much. I think they really just miss each other."

[Linda enters]

Stevie: "Also, I wish things weren't so hard for Uncle Howard and Aunt Linda."

[Stevie and Linda look at each other]

Stevie: "So, maybe you can lend them a hand for the rest of the year."

[turns letter around as Howard and Linda look at each other]

Stevie: "And... and that..."


Stevie: Screw you, Dad does not wish we were boys!

Sarah Engel: [smilingly enters with carambola] Who wants carambola?

[Beth turns her head to Sarah and Sarah stops smiling on realizing the situation]

Max: [angrily gets off his chair to get his letter back] Give me the letter!

Tom: Hey! Max?

[Max fights with Stevie and Jordan with the adults talking in the background]

Howard: [pulls Stevie and Jordan back] All right, that's enough!

Tom: You okay? Honey!

Max: I just wanted Christmas to be like it used to be, but forget it! I hate Christmas! I hate all of you!

[angrily and tearfully runs up to his room]

Sarah Engel: Max? Max!

Aunt Dorothy: Oh, lay off of him!

[Max slams his bedroom door]

Aunt Dorothy: Kid deserves a prize for telling the truth!

Linda: You let them go to the bathroom alone!

Aunt Dorothy: There was another option?

Max: I don't even know how to drive a stick. We have a hybrid!

Linda: It's Christmas. Nothing bad is going to happen on Christmas!

Max: I don't get it. Every year it gets worse! Why do we have to put up with their crap just because we share DNA?

Tom: Because that's what a family is, Max. People you try to be friends with, even when you don't have a lot in common.

Max: But why?

Tom: Because... well...


Tom: Okay, you kind of got me there.

Howard: How come rich people get all the free shit?

Linda: I don't know, honey!

Aunt Dorothy: So what kind of godforsaken concoction are you whipping up now? You know how this fancy food clogs my pipes.

Sarah Engel: Well how about we go to your trailer for Christmas next year, hm? And after you spending weeks decorating and cooking and cleaning, I might just waddle in and start bitching and moaning about everything you worked so hard on!

Aunt Dorothy: Oh Sarah, you know I...

Sarah Engel: No, Aunt Dorothy, please! For your sake, just... stay the hell out of my kitchen!