Omi: Saint Nicholas is not coming this year. Instead, a much darker, ancient spirit. His name is Krampus. He and his helpers did not come to give, but to take. He is the shadow of Saint Nicholas.
Aunt Dorothy: I'm old enough to know when life is coming at me with its pants down.
Omi: Like he had for thousands of years, Krampus came not to reward, but to punish. Not to give, but to take.
Jordan: We know you still believe in the big fat creeper!
Max: I don't know what you're talking about!
Stevie: [pulls up Max's letter to Santa] Are you sure about that?
Beth Engel: [Max tries to get his letter back; Beth stops him] Stop!
Stevie: [reading] "Dear Santa, I know I haven't been great this year and I'm sorry for that, but I was really hoping you can help out me and my family this Christmas. We need you!" Oh, Maxi Pad. That is so s...
Beth Engel: [stops him from getting his letter back] Stop, Max!
Stevie: Blah blah blah. Bullshit, bullshit. Ah, here we go, Maxi's wish list!
Beth Engel: Stevie, stop! That's enough!
Stevie: Wait, you're up first, Beth!
Stevie: "I wish me and Beth could hang out like we used to."
[Beth turns her head to Max]
Stevie: "Might've noticed that I don't have tons of friends."
[she pretends to feel sorry for him and Jordan mockingly smiles]
Stevie: Oh, no, really Max?
[Jordan laughs and she continues reading]
Stevie: "I wish my Mom and Dad could fall in love again."
[Tom and Howard look at each other]
Stevie: "I know they get upset a lot with Dad away from home so much. I think they really just miss each other."
Stevie: "Also, I wish things weren't so hard for Uncle Howard and Aunt Linda."
[Stevie and Linda look at each other]
Stevie: "So, maybe you can lend them a hand for the rest of the year."
[turns letter around as Howard and Linda look at each other]
Stevie: "And... and that..."
Stevie: Screw you, Dad does not wish we were boys!
Sarah Engel: [smilingly enters with carambola] Who wants carambola?
[Beth turns her head to Sarah and Sarah stops smiling on realizing the situation]
Max: [angrily gets off his chair to get his letter back] Give me the letter!
Tom: Hey! Max?
[Max fights with Stevie and Jordan with the adults talking in the background]
Howard: [pulls Stevie and Jordan back] All right, that's enough!
Tom: You okay? Honey!
Max: I just wanted Christmas to be like it used to be, but forget it! I hate Christmas! I hate all of you!
[angrily and tearfully runs up to his room]
Sarah Engel: Max? Max!
Aunt Dorothy: Oh, lay off of him!
[Max slams his bedroom door]
Aunt Dorothy: Kid deserves a prize for telling the truth!
Max: I don't even know how to drive a stick. We have a hybrid!
Linda: It's Christmas. Nothing bad is going to happen on Christmas!
Max: I don't get it. Every year it gets worse! Why do we have to put up with their crap just because we share DNA?
Tom: Because that's what a family is, Max. People you try to be friends with, even when you don't have a lot in common.
Max: But why?
Tom: Because... well...
Tom: Okay, you kind of got me there.
Aunt Dorothy: So what kind of godforsaken concoction are you whipping up now? You know how this fancy food clogs my pipes.
Sarah Engel: Well how about we go to your trailer for Christmas next year, hm? And after you spending weeks decorating and cooking and cleaning, I might just waddle in and start bitching and moaning about everything you worked so hard on!
Aunt Dorothy: Oh Sarah, you know I...
Sarah Engel: No, Aunt Dorothy, please! For your sake, just... stay the hell out of my kitchen!