The Lego Batman Movie (2017)

Will Arnett: Batman, Bruce Wayne

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Robin : My name's Richard Grayson, but all the kids at the orphanage call me Dick.

  Batman : Well, children can be cruel.

• [first lines] 

  Batman : [voice over]  Black. All important movies start with a black screen... And music... Edgy, scary music that would make a parent or studio executive nervous... And logos... Really long and dramatic logos... Warner Bros. Why not "Warner Brothers"? I don't know... DC... The house that Batman built. Yeah, what, Superman? Come at me, bro. I'm your Kryptonite... Hmm... Not sure what RatPac does, but that logo is macho. I dig it... Okay. Get yourself ready for some... reading. "If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change. Hooo." No. I said that. Batman is very wise. I also have huge pecs and a nine-pack. Yeah, I've got an extra ab. Now, let's start the movie.

• Alfred Pennyworth : Were you looking at the old family pictures again?

  Batman : At the what? The old family... Oh, yes! I see what you mean. Look at that! The old gang. Yeah. No, I wasn't.

  Alfred Pennyworth : I see. Sir, if you don't mind my saying, I'm a little concerned. I've seen you go through similar phases in 2016 and 2012 and 2008 and 2005 and 1997 and 1995 and 1992 and 1989 and that weird one in 1966. Do you want to talk about how you're feeling right now?

  Batman : I don't talks about feelings, Alfred. I don't have any, I've never seen one. I'm a night-stalking, crime-fighting vigilante, and a heavy metal rapping machine. I don't feel anything emotionally, except for rage. 24/7, 365, at a million percent. And if you think that there's something behind that, then you're crazy. Good night, Alfred.

  Alfred Pennyworth : Sir, it's morning.

• [from trailer] 

  Batgirl : Why did you build this thing with only one seat?

  Batman : Because last I checked I only had one butt.

• Computer : What is the password?

  Batman : Iron Man sucks.

• [from trailer] 

  Robin : What?

  [Sees Batcave] 

  Robin : It's the Batcave! Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygooo-!

  [Bumps into Batman] 

  Robin : Batman, woah!

  Batman : You're darn right, woah!

  Robin : Wait, does Batman live in Bruce Wayne's basement?

  Batman : No, Bruce Wayne lives in Batman's attic.

• Batman : What am I gonna do? Get a bunch of criminals together to fight the criminals? That's a stupid idea.

• The Joker : [from trailer]  You wanna play games, do you, Batman? Save the city or catch your greatest enemy!

  Batman : You think you're my greatest enemy?

  The Joker : Who else drives you to one-up them the way I do?

  Batman : Superman.

  The Joker : Superman's not a bad guy!

  Batman : I like to fight around.

  The Joker : You're seriously saying that there's nothing special about us?

  Batman : There is no "us". Never will be.

• Batman : [Batman's song]  Who never skips leg day?

  Chorus : Batman!

  Batman : Who always pays their taxes?

  Batman , Chorus : Not Batman!

• Robin : Hey, I was thinking. If I'm gonna be a superhero, and go on awesome superhero missions like this one, can we use code names? Mine can be Robin.

  Batman : I'm sorry, say that again?

  Robin : Robin.

  Batman : As in the small, Midwestern frail bird?

  Robin : Yeah, and I already have a catch phrase. Tweet, tweet, on the street.

  Batman : Hard pass.

  Robin : And a song.

  [singing] 

  Robin : Fly, Robin, fly.

  Batman : Harder pass.

• The Joker : Are you seriously saying there is nothing, nothing special about our relationship?

  Batman : Whoa. Let me tell you something, J-bird. Batman doesn't do 'ships.

  The Joker : [Confused]  What?

  Batman : As in "relationships." There is no "us." Batman and Joker are not a thing. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. You mean nothing to me. No one does.

• Batman : [from trailer]  Hey mom, hey dad, I um, I saved the city again today, I think you would have been really proud.

• Batman : [to Joker]  You're the reason why I get up at 4:00 in the afternoon and pump iron until my chest is positively sick.

• Batgirl : Engine one down.

  Batman : Not a big deal. Don't worry about it. It's fine.

  Batgirl : Engine two down.

  Batman : It does that sometimes.

  Batgirl : We've lost engine three.

  Batman : Oh, could live without it.

  Batgirl : Engine four!

  Batman : That I do need to fix.

• Batman : Okay, Robin. Together, we're gonna punch these guys so hard, words describing the impact are gonna spontaneously materialize out of thin air.

• Batman : [from trailer]  I deserve this today, today I deserve it.

  [eats lobster] 

• Barbara Gordon : Batman's been on the job for a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very long time.

  Bruce Wayne : He has aged phenomenally.

• Robin : Wow! Look, it's the Bat-Sub!

  Batman : Wait, don't touch that!

  Robin : Over there! It's the Bat-Space Shuttle!

  Batman : Please keep your hands off that.

  Robin : Look, it's the Bat-Zeppelin!

  Batman : Don't touch that, either!

  Robin : It's the Bat-Train!

  Batman : No!

  Robin : It's the Bat-Kayak!

  Batman : No!

  Robin : It's the Bat-Dune Buggy!

  Batman : No!

  Robin : It's the Bat... Shark Repellent?

  Batman : [pause]  Uh, actually, you can touch that. It's completely useless.

• Batman : So, are you ready to follow Batman and maybe learn a few life lessons along the way?

  Robin : I sure am, Dad Two! But first, where's the seat belt?

  Batman : The first lesson is, life doesn't give you seat belts! Let's go!

• Barbara Gordon : [sees Robin for the first time]  Who is that?

  Robin : Hi, police lady!

  Barbara Gordon : Is that your son?

  Robin : Yes, I am!

  Batman : [laughs nervously]  Is that my son? No, that's just weird.

  Barbara Gordon : It's weirder if it's not your son.

• The Joker : Madam Mayor! Thanks for dropping by.

  Mayor McCaskill : I've only got one thing to say to you, Joker.

  The Joker : Well, you'd better make it fast.

  Mayor McCaskill : Do you like to gamble?

  The Joker : Oh, I certainly do.

  Mayor McCaskill : Do you ever play roulette?

  The Joker : On occasion.

  Mayor McCaskill : Well, let me give you a word of advice.

  The Joker : I'm all ears.

  Mayor McCaskill : When playing roulette...

  The Joker : Yes?

  [the Mayor pulls her mask off, revealing herself to be Batman in disguise] 

  Batman : Always bet on black.

• The Joker : It's gotta be one or the other, Batman. Save the city, or catch your greatest enemy. You can't do both.

  Batman : I'm sorry, what did you just say?

  The Joker : You can't do both, I said.

  Batman : No, I mean the other thing.

  The Joker : Save the city, or catch your greatest enemy.

  Batman : You think you're my greatest enemy?

  The Joker : Yes! You're obsessed with me!

  Batman : [blows a raspberry]  No, I'm not.

  The Joker : Yes you are.

  Batman : No I'm not.

  The Joker : Yes, you are! Who else drives you to one-up them the way that I do?

  Batman : Bane.

  The Joker : No, he doesn't.

  Batman : Superman.

  The Joker : Superman's not a bad guy!

• Barbara Gordon : Why did you build this thing with only one seat?

  Batman : 'Cause last time I checked, I only have one butt.

• Batman : We are gonna steal the Phantom Zone projector from Superman.

  Robin : [frowns]  Steal?

  Batman : Yeah. We have to right a wrong. And sometimes, in order to right a wrong, you have to do a wrong-right. Gandhi said that.

  Robin : Are we sure Gandhi said that?

  Batman : I'm paraphrasing.

• Batman : [from trailer] 

  [Kicks Alfred into piano] 

  Batman : Alfred, I am so sorry. I have incredible reflexes.

  Alfred Pennyworth : I should have known better than to sneak up on you, Master Bruce.

• Batman : [from trailer]  Hey, 'puter, I'm home.

  [echoes] 

  Computer : Welcome home, sir. Initializing Batcave music. So, did anything exciting happen today?

  Batman : I saved the city again. It was off the chain. Anyway, I should probably have some grub.

  Computer : Alfred left your lobster thermidor in the fridge.

  Batman : Oh, that's my favorite. I can't wait.

  [Batman puts the lobster in the microwave, and mistakenly sets it up for 20 minutes] 

  Batman : Not 20 minutes. Stupid.

  [He sets it up for 2 minutes and presses the start button] 

• Robin : Woo-hoo! A month ago, I had no dads. Then I had one dad. Now I have two dads, and one of them is Batman!

  Batman : Yeah!

  Robin : [singing]  It's raining dads...

• Batman : Hey, kid!

  Robin : Yes, sir?

  Batman : You're super nimble, right?

  Robin : I sure am!

  Batman : And small?

  Robin : Very.

  Batman : And quiet?

  Robin : [whispering]  When I desire to be.

  Batman : And 110% expendable?

  Robin : I don't know what that means, but okay!

• Batman : Batman's life lesson number two. Vigilantes don't have bedtimes.

  Robin : Yes! So, what's the vigilante policy on cookies?

  Batman : Unlimited!

• [last lines] 

  Batman : [laughing]  Wow, that was fun! Really hope nobody was recording that. Let me see. Oh, this thing is on. This thing is recording.

• [last lines] 

  Batman : White. All important movies end with a white screen.

• Phyllis : You know, Mr. Batman, when you're a talking brick, working at the Phantom Zone, you see a lot of crazy things. But I've finally seen a man, in order to make the world a better place, take a look at himself and make a change.

  Batman : Hooo.

  Phyllis : Superman.

  Batman : WHAT?

  Phyllis : I'm kidding. It's you.

• Batman : All right, kid. We need to avoid Commissioner Gordon. So, lesson number three. When going stealth, you gotta hide every part of you, physically and emotionally. Got it?

  Robin : Yeah!

• Batman : So, when going stealth you've got to hide every part of you physically and emotionally.

  Robin : [Robin runs behind trash can]  Yeah!

  [Voice echoes through trash can] 

  Batman : Already failed.

• Robin : Uh... Batman?

  Batman : What's up, buddy?

  Robin : Are we nearly at Wayne Manor?

  Batman : Why?

  Robin : Uh... your Number Two needs to go number one.

  Batman : [groans]  I though I told you to go back at the prison.

  Robin : I tried, but Bane was in there.

  Batman : So?

  Robin : He had sort of a "get out of this bathroom now" vibe.

  Batman : I knew I shouldn't have given you that water. Can you hold it in like a big boy?

• Batman : Alfred, there's something wrong with the Batcomputer. Watch this. 'Puter. Nothing. 'Puter. Do you see what I'm saying?

  Alfred Pennyworth : There's nothing wrong with it, sir. I have just taken away your computer privileges.

  Batman : The parental lock? You can't do that.

  Alfred Pennyworth : Oh, I can. I've been reading Setting Limits for Your Out-of-Control Child.

  Batman : You know what? Doesn't matter, 'cause I have a double-secret super password that unlocks the parental lock.

  Alfred Pennyworth : You mean, "Alfred da Butt-ler," with two T's?

• Jerry Maguire : You... complete me.

  [Batman laughs] 

  Dorothy Boyd : Shut up. You had me at hello.

  Batman : [he laughs]  Love it.

• Harleen Quinzel : [to Commissioner Gordon]  Delivery from Phantom's Own Laundry.

  Batman : Phantom Zone?