Son: I've literally eaten everything that I've come across. When I interact with a new object, I'm gonna look at it for a little bit, I'm gonna reach out and poke it, see if it moves around, pick it up, wiggle it back and forth... and then that thing goes all the way in my mouth. And if it doesn't try to get out of mouth, it's going down the hatch. If you ask me, it's a pretty good way to do things. The other day I put a scorpion in my mouth, that guy jumped right out. I mean, he knew the rules, he played the game... I respect him for that.

General Store Guy: I know that based on what you just saw, you wouldn't believe it, but... I played Tony in Independence Community Theater's production of West Side Story a couple years back. It's like, big fish small pond, but... I was proud.

Son: Goodbye, Dad. I guess I'm Mom's only son now.

Father: You were always Mom's only son. I'm the father, remember?

Son: Oh. Well I loved you like a brother.

Daughter: [Dramatically] Oh, the good lord sent me back!

[winks at audience]

Daughter: There I was at the pearly gates and St. Peter said to *me*: "Oh Mouthface, there is a fool family who is lost without you!"

Mother: Did, uh, ahem... did you... did you just fake dying of dysentery?

Daughter: [smiles] Gotcha.

Son: Are we gonna go skinny dipping?

Mother: Why would we do that?

Son: I don't know.

McDoon: Well, uh, name's McDoon. And I make the ladies...

[kisses Daughter's hand]

McDoon: McSwoon.

Mother: Look, we are out here starving in the middle of the woods and you wanna crawl up on me and inject me with your filth? Blegh.

Father: Why you gotta say it like that?

McDoon: I mean, sure I'm known far and wide as the bandit king but... I ain't got no one to love.

Cletus Jones: Well, we make love on occasion.

Son: I lost a shoe two months ago. I didn't say anything about it and no one asked me, so... I've been walking around with one shoe. If someone were to ask me, Where's your shoe? I'd say, I don't know. Because at this point, I honestly don't. I mean, I remember where it was when I threw it off the wagon. But I mean, it bounced for a little bit and I kind of put my hand out and pointed at it, but no one said anything so I just put my hand down and forgot about it, man. All I know is that shoe bounced pretty good.

Grandpa: The truth is...

[sighs]

Grandpa: this is hard for me to say. The truth is... I never banished any lobsters to the sea.

Father: [Long pause] I know that, Dad.

Grandpa: They banished me to the land.

Father: [Yells] What are you talking about?

Mother: If given the chance to kill any one of us, who would choose one of the children?

Mother: [learning her son is dying of dysentery in one ending] No, not my Craphole!

[accepting her imminent death from dysentery]

Daughter: It's all right, family. This was God's will and we all know that God is a...

DaughterFatherMotherSonGrandpa: [together] Vicious, two-faced prick.

Daughter: At least maybe when I go to Heaven, I'll finally be reunited with my one true love, the Bandit King.

[does the Bandit King move]

Daughter: And his one true love, Cletus Jones.

Grandpa: I thought I drowned for sure. How did I- ?

[Cornwallis walks out]

Grandpa: You.

Cornwallis: Hello... Tittymitty.

Grandpa: Cornwallis. You saved us. Why?

Cornwallis: It wasn't for you, Grandpa. I did it for Eleanor.

Grandpa: How is she these days?

Cornwallis: She passed, two years ago come April.

[a moment is taken to honor Eleanor's memory]

Grandpa: This doesn't change anything.

Cornwallis: I know, Grandpa. I know...

[Cornwallis leaves]

[first lines]

Father: [sings] Good mo - or - nin!

Mother: [sings] Slippery When Wet and I'm a mother of two / Could have been a banker, guess a farmer will do / Why did you get to choose?

Father: Well, I don't know if you know this about me, but... I wrote the show. It's how this one goes.

Mother: Well we aren't gonna get very far as a bunch of fucking farmers.

Son: [sings] Craaphoole, yeah that's me, I'm seven and I'm male!

Daughter: [sings] Mouuthface, is what my friends call me, I'm looking for love on the trail!

Father: We're farmers you see, which means we don't need things like food. We can live off the land. All we're looking for is the bare essentials... boxes and boxes of bullets.

Mother: Now, you see that girl right there? I made her out of my blood and my flesh, my sweat and my tears. And I love her more than the waking world. But I will smother her in her sleep before I see her ruin herself with some *thing* like you. So you better just run along now 'cause you'd have better luck sticking your pecker in a cactus.

Grandpa: [to Audience Member] What was that? Tittymitty?

Father: How do you feel about that, Grandpa?

Grandpa: [Grinning] I like that name.

Father: He likes it a lot, you made him happy.

Father: Have you ever heard the saying the blind leading the blind? That's what this trip is all about. Remembering old sayings.

Mother: I did not love that banker and I did not love that carpenter. I loved the third kind of a person. A farmer.

Father: But you know what kids, sometimes things just happen. And sometimes God... is a vicious, two-faced prick.

Mother: This ox doesn't have any teeth. Or eyes.

Father: That's right, honey. That way he can't eat us or watch us undress. We do have a young daughter to think of. Now don't get any ideas, you horny ox.

Father: That's what this trip is all about. Chewing grass.

Father: All right, on three. What's this trip all about? One, two, three!

Mother: Dying.

[Said at the same time]

Daughter: Eating grass.

[Said at the same time]

Son: Skinny dipping!

[Said at the same time]

Horny Ox: I'm a monster!

[Said at the same time]

Mother: We are setting our rations to bare bones, and our pace to grueling. We are not stopping for nothing. We are gonna blaze this trail all the way to Oregon! We're gonna do... a speed run.

Grandpa: Well good shooting there, Craphole. Looks like you got about 2000 pounds here, and between the three of us we can carry back about... 20.

Mother: Oh, the good lord sent me back! Why, there I was at the pearly gates and St. Peter said to me... Oh Slippery When Wet, your work on Earth is not done. There is a fool child down there who is lost without you. And I said, Oh no no, please let me in, you don't know how she treats me!

Mother: Now kids, say a few words for your poor, foolish father, please.

Daughter: Pepperoni...

Son: And... cheese?

Mother: [pause] Yep. Y - yeah... couldn't have said it better myself. Pepperoni and cheese, amen.

Father: Honey. I just want to double check... if we're talking about a literal, actual dog? Then yeah, to hell with the dog, family first, I won't ask for a dog again! But we're talking about me...

Mother: Yes, we're talking about you.

Father: Then my opinion of that dog's completely different!

Grandpa: Now, now, now! Whoever wants to kill the most should go first.

Daughter: [Raises hand] I do, Grandpa. I've got bloodlust.

McDoon: Oh come on! I been treating you real good, haven't I? I keep your limbs bound with the finest rope money can buy. I gently chloroform you to sleep every night. And I promise that's how it's gonna be every day once you're my child bride.

Daughter: They could be dead for all I know, and I've been sitting in the back of the wagon for three months writing letters to nobody like a jackass.

Son: Oh wait, hold on, listen, Mom, listen. Now I'm all for a quick skinny dip, but if we go in there, we could die. Remember what everyone in Independence said? Friends don't let friends ford the river.

Baby Buffalo: [sings, crying] But when you wake up with blood on your dick

[long pause]

Baby Buffalo: and you don't even know where it came fro - om...

Baby Buffalo: [Cries] Oh, god...

Baby Buffalo: [Angrily] Just do it, motherfu...

Son: Well, I guess it makes sense I'm the one dying of dysentery. I shouldn't have put all that shit in my mouth... especially that shit.

Grandpa: And you...

[looks at Father]

Grandpa: I have no idea who you are. Get the hell out of here, I'm trying to die with my family!

Mother: And you, Jack Bauer. This is your family now. You have to lead them without me. And you can do it, you have changed.

Father: Really, I have?

Mother: Well... kind of. Uh, a little bit... well you know, enough to make me believe in you. But I swear if you backslide I will fly down from God's heaven and I will smack you into the devil's hell.

Father: Alright pioneers, what do you say? What would you like to name me, your wagon leader?

[Audience yells names]

Father: What did you say? Ah, Jack Bauer.

[sighs happily]

Father: Look out, Oregon, 'cause here come the... I'm looking for a last name.

[Audience member calls out something]

Father: The Dikrats.

Mother: [sings] Come on, Jack Bauer, the water's just right...

Father: Be right there, honey.

[last lines]

Son: [sings, taking clothes off] Splashy, splashy, there's nothing more fun / Than dropping trou and getting some sun / You can skinny if you're fat or old / Put Marco Polo in a wrestling hold

Father: There's his penis.

Horny Ox: Cricket. Cricket, Cricket... Cock-a-doodle-doo! Hoot hoot. Hoot Hoot... Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Daughter: Damn this is boring.

[repeated line]

Grandpa: You chickenkit son of a bitch!

McDoon: [sings] Your wagon is on fi - re! / Your wagon is aflame / Your wagon is on fi - re / It will never be the same!