Son: I've literally eaten everything that I've come across. When I interact with a new object, I'm gonna look at it for a little bit, I'm gonna reach out and poke it, see if it moves around, pick it up, wiggle it back and forth... and then that thing goes all the way in my mouth. And if it doesn't try to get out of mouth, it's going down the hatch. If you ask me, it's a pretty good way to do things. The other day I put a scorpion in my mouth, that guy jumped right out. I mean, he knew the rules, he played the game... I respect him for that.
General Store Guy: I know that based on what you just saw, you wouldn't believe it, but... I played Tony in Independence Community Theater's production of West Side Story a couple years back. It's like, big fish small pond, but... I was proud.
Daughter: [Dramatically] Oh, the good lord sent me back!
[winks at audience]
Daughter: There I was at the pearly gates and St. Peter said to *me*: "Oh Mouthface, there is a fool family who is lost without you!"
Mother: Did, uh, ahem... did you... did you just fake dying of dysentery?
Daughter: [smiles] Gotcha.
Son: I lost a shoe two months ago. I didn't say anything about it and no one asked me, so... I've been walking around with one shoe. If someone were to ask me, Where's your shoe? I'd say, I don't know. Because at this point, I honestly don't. I mean, I remember where it was when I threw it off the wagon. But I mean, it bounced for a little bit and I kind of put my hand out and pointed at it, but no one said anything so I just put my hand down and forgot about it, man. All I know is that shoe bounced pretty good.
Mother: If given the chance to kill any one of us, who would choose one of the children?
Mother: [learning her son is dying of dysentery in one ending] No, not my Craphole!
[accepting her imminent death from dysentery]
Daughter: It's all right, family. This was God's will and we all know that God is a...
Daughter: At least maybe when I go to Heaven, I'll finally be reunited with my one true love, the Bandit King.
[does the Bandit King move]
Daughter: And his one true love, Cletus Jones.
Grandpa: I thought I drowned for sure. How did I- ?
[Cornwallis walks out]
Cornwallis: Hello... Tittymitty.
Grandpa: Cornwallis. You saved us. Why?
Cornwallis: It wasn't for you, Grandpa. I did it for Eleanor.
Grandpa: How is she these days?
Cornwallis: She passed, two years ago come April.
[a moment is taken to honor Eleanor's memory]
Grandpa: This doesn't change anything.
Cornwallis: I know, Grandpa. I know...
Father: [sings] Good mo - or - nin!
Mother: [sings] Slippery When Wet and I'm a mother of two / Could have been a banker, guess a farmer will do / Why did you get to choose?
Father: Well, I don't know if you know this about me, but... I wrote the show. It's how this one goes.
Mother: Well we aren't gonna get very far as a bunch of fucking farmers.
Father: We're farmers you see, which means we don't need things like food. We can live off the land. All we're looking for is the bare essentials... boxes and boxes of bullets.
Mother: Now, you see that girl right there? I made her out of my blood and my flesh, my sweat and my tears. And I love her more than the waking world. But I will smother her in her sleep before I see her ruin herself with some *thing* like you. So you better just run along now 'cause you'd have better luck sticking your pecker in a cactus.
Father: Have you ever heard the saying the blind leading the blind? That's what this trip is all about. Remembering old sayings.
Mother: I did not love that banker and I did not love that carpenter. I loved the third kind of a person. A farmer.
Father: But you know what kids, sometimes things just happen. And sometimes God... is a vicious, two-faced prick.
Father: That's what this trip is all about. Chewing grass.
Mother: We are setting our rations to bare bones, and our pace to grueling. We are not stopping for nothing. We are gonna blaze this trail all the way to Oregon! We're gonna do... a speed run.
Grandpa: Well good shooting there, Craphole. Looks like you got about 2000 pounds here, and between the three of us we can carry back about... 20.
Mother: Oh, the good lord sent me back! Why, there I was at the pearly gates and St. Peter said to me... Oh Slippery When Wet, your work on Earth is not done. There is a fool child down there who is lost without you. And I said, Oh no no, please let me in, you don't know how she treats me!
McDoon: Oh come on! I been treating you real good, haven't I? I keep your limbs bound with the finest rope money can buy. I gently chloroform you to sleep every night. And I promise that's how it's gonna be every day once you're my child bride.
Daughter: They could be dead for all I know, and I've been sitting in the back of the wagon for three months writing letters to nobody like a jackass.
Son: Oh wait, hold on, listen, Mom, listen. Now I'm all for a quick skinny dip, but if we go in there, we could die. Remember what everyone in Independence said? Friends don't let friends ford the river.
Son: Well, I guess it makes sense I'm the one dying of dysentery. I shouldn't have put all that shit in my mouth... especially that shit.
Mother: And you, Jack Bauer. This is your family now. You have to lead them without me. And you can do it, you have changed.
Father: Really, I have?
Mother: Well... kind of. Uh, a little bit... well you know, enough to make me believe in you. But I swear if you backslide I will fly down from God's heaven and I will smack you into the devil's hell.
Grandpa: You chickenkit son of a bitch!
McDoon: [sings] Your wagon is on fi - re! / Your wagon is aflame / Your wagon is on fi - re / It will never be the same!