18 August 2016 | lor_
Uneven, poorly chosen hodge-podge of 3-way footage
Digital Playground's descent into the bottom area of the porn barrel continues with this desultory assemblage of three-way sex scenes. Only a lengthy British import segment is worth watching.
The Brits, with the uncredited style of Dick Bush most likely source as director, made "Modern Families", a dumb parody of the hit ABC TV series. It's lousy as are all so-called porn parodies, but the sex is a redeeming factor (that's about all one can hope for from this abysmal genre).
I was in a bad mood when the opening even scrupulously copied the posed for photos trademark style of the original's credits, ripoff being a necessity in the "parody" biz. The takeoff on the series gimmicks was almost amusing: instead of two gay guys adopting a kid we get two lesbians Jasmine Jae and non-sex actress (and director) Liselle Bailey, with the ridiculous in-joke that their baby is 30-something Ryan Ryder acting immature, and better known as Jae's real-life hubby.
Topping that ploy is Brit Porn's Numero Uno male, Danny D as a guy who's married himself -the running gag being that he's in love with his hand, the one he uses to jerk off with. Final gag in the show has him curling over in a ball in a vain attempt to simulate Ron Jeremy's signature autofellation technique that he performed in several films before his belly grew and made such contortions impossible.
Other family has the great Cathy Heaven as most unlikely casting in the Sofia Vergara role, only resemblance being in the huge tits department. She's an aspiring porn actress, much to the dismay of her old-old guy husband, played by Dick Bush regular non-sex actor Ian Hurley. The sexual configurations climax in a stimulating three-way of Danny D servicing both Jae and Heaven in tandem.
The other four Chatsworth-lensed segments are all over the map, some of them actually receiving extensive screen credits, placing the blame squarely on the shoulders of hacks Billy Visual(s) and Robby D.
Contract player for DP name of Selena Rose pops up twice to ill effect: completely overshadowed by the great Missy Martinez in "Balls on Court", outdoor sex with tennis instructor, Bruce Venture. His stateside dick is almost as long as Danny's except that Bruce's has that two-tone coloration which remains a cryptic aspect of dickdom that I have not studied in depth.
Rose's other performance is opposite Ash Hollywood in "My Best Friend's Sister", an annoying segment of the gals servicing a guy while his pal watches sports on TV downstairs. This is the epitome of mindlessness.
"Maid to Please" is in poor taste, but mildly so by today's debased standards. Kalina Ryu is the exotic girl in a little French Maid's costume, humping away with her employer Dani Jensen courtesy of odd-man-in Ryan Driller.
Finale is total crap, in the vague and underutilized genre of Porn Americana (which produced several excellent big-name vehicles 15 years ago for stars like Stephanie Swift and Jessica Drake). Titled "4th of July Cock Ride" it's stupefyingly dumb 3-way action wasting the talents of cute Jade Nile and Jessa Rhodes, humping Tommy Gunn next to a haystack at some stupid state fair setting. It's difficult to insult the intelligence of today's porn audience, for whom IR and jail-bait porn is the end-all and be-all of existence, but in its very small way "Sharing Is Caring" delivers a mild put-down.