First Burly Guard: Sir Elton, stay here. We're under attack.
Elton John: Is it a rescue attempt?
First Burly Guard: Might be.
Elton John: [whispering] Yes!
[Elton starts playing his piano]
Elton John: [singing] Wednesday! Wednesday! Wednesday! Wednesday! Wednesday! Wednesday! Wednesday! Wednesday! Wednesday night's all right! Hey!
First Burly Guard: Isn't that supposed to be Saturday?
Elton John: What day is it today?
First Burly Guard: Wednesday?
Elton John: Exactly!
[Elton stomps on the guard's foot and slams him into his piano]
Eggsy: Now we've finished the debrief, Harry, here's a couple of welcome back gifts. First up, a brand new Kingsman watch. Advanced software, it can hack into anything with a microchip. It is the bollocks. And, Merlin.
Merlin: I made you these.
[Merlin hands Harry an eyeglass case. Harry opens it]
Harry Hart: A-ha.
[Harry removes his eyepatch and puts on the new glasses]
Harry Hart: Thank you, Merlin, Eggsy. How do I look?
Merlin: You look...
Very Drunk Redneck: Like some faggot lookin' for an eye fuckin'. Now, why don't you get out of our bar before I take out your other one?
Whiskey: Now, is that any way to welcome a visitor from out of town, moonshine?
Very Drunk Redneck: Okay. Suck my southern dick, bitch.
Harry Hart: Oh, I don't think that'll be necessary.
Harry Hart: Good day, sir.
[Harry walks towards the exit]
Very Drunk Redneck: Well, what are you ladies waiting for?
Harry Hart: [locking the front door] Manners... maketh... man. Do you know what that means? Then let me teach you a lesson.
[Harry slings a beer mug with his umbrella towards the redneck, but misses and Whiskey catches it. He approaches the redneck and his gang, but butterfly hallucinations surround his vision]
Harry Hart: Are we going to stand around here all day, or are we going to...
[another redneck punches him from the left. Harry struggles to fight with the gang until Whiskey lassos him out of the way]
Whiskey: Well, pick him up. Now that is not what I call a Kentucky welcome. Manners... maketh... man. Let me translate that for you.
[Whiskey begins to rough up the rednecks with his lasso]
Harry Hart: What's wrong with me, Merlin? I thought you fixed me.
Merlin: Well, we rebuilt your neural pathways, but it'll take time to get your coordination back.
[Whiskey attacks the rednecks with his bull whip]
Harry Hart: And the phantom butterflies?
Merlin: You will experience episodes, lapses of clarity. You'll be back to normal soon.
[Whiskey throws the last redneck out the window]
Whiskey: Whoo. I feel like a tornado in a trailer park.
Poppy: My name is Poppy Adams, CEO of the Golden Circle. We engage in an aggressive business strategy, invest in the latest technology and take strict, disciplinary action. I'm speaking to you today because our world leaders have let us all down, so we are coming out of the shadows and taking over. And to make sure no one gets in our way... Kingsman is crumpets!
[Harry and Eggsy toast each other]
Harry Hart: Cheers.
Eggsy: Are you sure I don't look like a dick?
Harry Hart: Look in the mirror.
[Eggsy approaches the mirror]
Harry Hart: What do you see?
Eggsy: Someone who can't believe what the fuck is going on.
Harry Hart: I see a man who is honorable, brave, loyal, who's fulfilled his huge potential. A man who's done something good with his life.
Eggsy: I owe you everything, Harry. Thank you.
Harry Hart: Don't mention it. You ready?
Eggsy: Not a doubt in my mind.
[Charlie enters Poppy's Theater, wearing landmine equipment]
Poppy: You're late. Why are you still wearing that?
Charlie: Until you get rid of the perimeter landmines, I'll keep wearing the suit, thank you very much.
Poppy: Scaredy-cat. Shut up and sit down. Let's go!
[Poppy turns on the stage lights, revealing Elton John]
Charlie: 'Crocodile Rock', please.
Elton John: Fuck you!
[Poppy zaps Elton with the collar around his neck]
Poppy: Hey, hey, Elton. Language. Okay, well, as fabulous as your catalogue is, I think I want to hear some Gershwin.
[Elton sighs and plays the piano]
Charlie: I still can't believe you got away with kidnapping Elton John.
Poppy: I know! But with Valentine abducting those celebrities, it seemed silly not to take advantage of the confusion.
Charlie: Shit! Has Elton got the blue rash?
[Elton stops playing the piano as the theater lights turn on]
Poppy: Hey, Elton, have you been a bad boy again?
[Elton shakes his head as Poppy approaches the stage]
Poppy: You're lying. Look at your hands.
[Elton notices the blue rash on his hands]
Elton John: What is it?
Poppy: It's proof that my plan is gonna work. It's also the first sign of a slow and horrible death. Don't worry, I can fix it. Tell me who you parties with.
Elton John: [sighs] It was Angel.
Poppy: Huh, not very angelic. Gonna have to clip his wings.
Tequila: You know, my momma... she always told me, 'Us Southerners get our good manners from the British.' So I was thinkin', "Ain't that a pity? Y'all ain't keepin' none for yourself." Y'all ain't ever heard of knockin' before you enter?
Eggsy: Well, a-actually... we had an invitation, didn't we?
Tequila: Oh, did you now?
Eggsy: Yeah, yeah, it came in the shape of a bottle? We're from the Kingsman tailor shop in London. Maybe you've heard of us.
Tequila: Oh, the Kingsman!
Tequila: Huh. That's where y'all got them fine suits and them fancy spectacles y'all got on.
Eggsy: That's right.
Tequila: Y'all look damn sharp. Let me see if I got it right here. You want me to believe that it's normal for a tailor to hack through an advanced biometric security system with nothin' but a little bitty ol' watch on?
[pause; Eggsy and Merlin glance worriedly at each other]
Tequila: I can promise you, though.
[flip-cocks his rifle, points it at them]
Tequila: That dog don't hunt. Won't you go on and get down on your knees and tell me who you really work for?
[pause, then Merlin lets go of the hole he made in a whiskey cask. Tequila spits his chewing tobacco to seal the hole]
Tequila: That's 1963 Statesman Reserve. You've just made it personal.
[Tequila attacks Eggsy and Merlin. He knocks out Merlin and programs Eggsy's dart watch on him]
Eggsy: Who the fuck are you?
[Eggsy falls unconscious from the tranquilizer dart]
[Poppy cures Elton from her toxin with an antidote: Elton gains mobility again]
Elton John: What have you done to me, you fucking bitch?
Harry Hart: As one of our founding Kingsman once said: This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
Harry Hart: You all right? What was that phone call you got?
Eggsy: Let's not, Harry. I don't think you'd sympathize and I'm not really in the mood for a lecture.
[Harry gets up and goes to the plane's cocktail bar]
Harry Hart: All right. How about a martini for old time's sake?
Eggsy: Yeah, all right.
[Eggsy gets up while Harry prepares a martini]
Eggsy: I had a girlfriend.
Eggsy: I lost her. And it broke me. And now, if this mission fails, she's gonna die. I know it's against Kingsman rules, having a relationship.
Harry Hart: When I was shot, can you guess what the last thing was that flashed through my mind? It was absolutely nothing. I had no ties. No bittersweet memories. I was leaving nothing behind. Never experienced companionship, never been in love. And in that moment, all I felt was loneliness and regret.
[Harry pours the martini in two glasses]
Eggsy: I'm sorry.
Harry Hart: Don't be. Just know that having something to lose...
[hands martini to Eggsy]
Harry Hart: is what makes life worth living. Now, lets go and save your girl.
Eggsy: I missed you, Harry.
[Eggsy has Charlie on the ground, gripping Charlie's chin]
Eggsy: Give me the code!
Charlie: I can't. Only Poppy knows it.
Eggsy: Well, then you're no use to me, ain't you? For the record, Charlie, I'm more of a gentleman than you'll ever be. But right now, it's time to drop the gentle bit. This is for Kingsman. For my mate Brandon. For Roxy. For JB. And for Merlin. Good night, bruv.
[Eggsy snaps Charlie's neck]
[Harry and Eggsy shove Whiskey in the meat grinder, turning him into minced meat]
Eggsy: Put Alpha Gel on that... dickhead.
[Egsy, Harry, and Merlin sneak through the jungle near Poppy Land]
Harry Hart: [whispering] Right. This is where we split up. Pincer movement. Merlin, you're with me. Eggsy, you signal when we're in position.
[Eggsy moves forward and suddenly hears a click and a beeping sound. He realizes he's stepped on a landmine]
Merlin: [whispering] Don't move. You move, we die.
[Merlin opens briefcase and pulls out a deodorant can]
Merlin: Luckily I have this.
[Merlin clears the dirt around the landmine trigger and starts spraying under Eggsy's foot]
Merlin: This spray will freeze the trigger mechanism, give us a... a split second. So on the count of three, what I want you to...
[Merlin pushes Eggsy away from the landmine]
[another click and beeping sound, as Eggsy and Harry realize that Merlin has put his foot on the landmine]
Eggsy: [whispering] Merlin, what the fuck have you done?
Merlin: Our journey together began many years ago, when your father did the same thing for us.
Harry Hart: [whispering] Our journey began with a mistake I made. Give me the can. That's an order.
Merlin: Can's empty. Split second's over. You two need to get going.
Eggsy: [whispering] No, no, no. There's got to be another way.
Harry Hart: [whispering] He's right. Mission comes first.
Eggsy: [whispering] Bollocks, mission comes first!
Merlin: Eggsy! This is no time for emotion. Remember your training. Or we all die. Now get on with it.
Harry Hart: [whispering] Do as you're told! Move it!
[pause, then Eggsy grabs the briefcase]
[Eggsy walks away and Harry salutes Merlin]
Harry Hart: It's been an honor.
Merlin: Good luck.
[Eggsy enters Whiskey's Ford Bronco]
Eggsy: Got the passes from my contact. You're gonna love Glastonbury.
Whiskey: Well, that's the easy part, kid. Take a look in the glove box.
[Eggsy opens the glove compartment and grabs a pill box. He opens the box and see a finger-sized condom]
Eggsy: Fucking hell, bruv. Thought everything was supposed to be bigger in America. Is this why you overcompensate with these massive cars?
Whiskey: Goes on your finger. The surveillance tracker is in the tip. Apply light pressure for three seconds to release it.
Fox News Anchor: Who is Poppy Adams? After graduating Harvard Business School, Adams was briefly held for serious mental health issues before disappearing without a trace.
Harvard Professor: Intelligent, ambitious, ruthless, lacks empathy, superficial charm. All the elements of a great CEO. Or a psychopath.
Fox News Anchor: Following the broadcast of Adams' message to the President, there were scenes of chaos today at medical centers across the country and around the world.
Fox News Anchor: The blue rash is now being renamed 'The Dancing Disease', as victims begin to exhibit stage two symptoms.
Fox News Anchor: Victims of the virus caused by tampered recreational drugs flooded hospitals and clinics in fear for their lives.
Fox News Anchor: Curfews and no travel orders are being considered as authorities assess the scale of the disaster. But there has still been no official response from the President, who remains locked in emergency talks.
Tequila: A bottle in a secret wall. You really expect me to take that seriously? See, I think your story's horse shit. Y'all just trying to cover for a failed rescue mission. You're here for the lepidopterist, ain't you?
[confused look in Eggsy and Merlin's faces]
Tequila: Okay, so your mystery bottle, huh?
[grabs a bottle of Statesman whiskey]
Tequila: Look anything like that, right there?
Eggsy: Yes. Same brand, much older.
Tequila: All right. Let's see here.
[opens bottle and sniffs the whiskey]
Tequila: You know why the measurement of alcohol content is called 'proof'?
[Tequila starts pouring the whiskey on Eggsy and Merlin]
Eggsy: Oh, fuck off!
Merlin: Oh, for Pete's sake!
Tequila: See, comes from back in the old days when pirates wanted to test the strength of their rum. They used to pour a little bit out on gunpowder.
[drinks a little]
Tequila: Oh, that'll make you wanna slap your mama right there, boy. And then the gunpowder, if it burnt when they set it alight, they considered it proof
[splashes more whiskey]
Tequila: that their rum was good and strong. But see, I ain't got no gunpowder on me, do I? But I'm pretty sure you boys'll make just as impressive of a sound when I set your balls on fire.
[Tequila pulls out a lighter as Merlin chuckles]
Tequila: Or you could just tell me who the fuck y'all really are and how the hell you found us.
Merlin: Look, for the last time, we have nothing to protect but our honor. So you can take your cheap horse piss that you call whiskey, which, by the way, is spelled without an 'e' and is nothing compared to a single malt scotch and you can go fuck yourself.
Tequila: What about you?
Eggsy: No, I love a Jack and Coke, bruv. But I do agree with the part where you go fuck yourself.
[Clara brings Eggsy in her tent]
Eggsy: Wow. This is amazing.
[Clara sits on her bed]
Clara: Come on.
Eggsy: Uh, you know what, I'm busting for a pee, actually.
Clara: You could do it on me if you want.
Eggsy: Uh... maybe in a bit. Give me a sec, yeah?
Clara: Okay, but hurry up, River. Been waiting all night for you to at least kiss me.
[Merlin enters the Statesman plane's main lounge, all dressed up]
Eggsy: Hey, hey. Looking good, Merlin.
Merlin: Feeling good, Eggsy. Right.
[hands umbrella to Harry]
Merlin: This is yours.
[hands briefcase to Eggsy]
Merlin: That's for you.
[Merlin opens the billiard table to reveal a weapons chest. He hands a baseball bat to Harry]
Merlin: Press the 'S'.
[top end of the bat opens]
Merlin: Minesweeper. Courtesy of Statesman.
Eggsy: [grabs a baseball] And what about these?
Merlin: Careful. Those are hand grenades.
[Merlin grabs an eyeglass case and hands it to Eggsy]
Merlin: As discussed, this is for the endgame. I'm entrusting it to you.
[Eggsy opens the case to reveal a syringe]
Merlin: And I'm entrusting this...
[Merlin grabs the largest knife in the arsenal]
Merlin: ...to me.
Poppy: Mr. President, my name is Poppy Adams. I believe the UN has no teeth. So I've selected you, as leader of the free world, to receive this communication. And I invite you to begin negotiations on the largest scale hostage situation in history. A few weeks ago, an engineered virus was released, contained in all varieties of my product. Cannabis, cocaine, heroin, opium, ecstasy, and crystal meth. Some of you are already infected. And this is what you can expect in the coming days.
Poppy: After a brief incubation period, victims present with stage one symptoms.
[snaps finger as the window behind her reveals an infected Poppy subordinate]
Poppy: A blue rash. Next, second stage symptoms appear.
[Poppy walks to the next window and snaps her fingers, revealing another infected Poppy subordinate moving his head and arms]
Poppy: Mania, as the virus enters the brain.
Poppy: Very distressing to the victim and those around them. Stage three.
[Poppy walks to the third window and snaps her fingers, revealing a paralyzed Poppy subordinate]
Poppy: Paralysis. Muscles enter a state of catastrophic seizure. And once the muscles of the thorac become affected, breathing becomes impossible, leading to a very nasty death within 12 hours.
[subordinate stops breathing before his eyes and nose bleed out]
Poppy: But, I have good news to the millions already affected. It doesn't have to be this way. I have an antidote.
[Poppy snaps her fingers on the fourth window, revealing a paralyzed Elton John. A doctor administers the antidote on him, bringing him back to life]
Elton John: What have you done to me, you fucking bitch?
Poppy: One hundred percent effective and ready to ship out worldwide at a moment's notice.
Elton John: [yelling at doctor] Get out of my room! Get out!
Poppy: You have my word. I will do this if the following conditions are met.
Elton John: Get out of my fucking room!
Poppy: First, you agree to end the war on drugs, once and for all. All classes of substance are legalized, paving the way to a new marketplace in which sales are regulated and taxed, as per alcohol. And second, my colleagues and I receive full legal immunity. Meet my terms and I look forward to helping you keep our beloved country great, boosting our ailing economy, and easing spending on law enforcement. Or continue this blinkered, outmoded, and, frankly, disastrous exercise in prohibition, and live with blood on your hands. Save lives. Legalize.
[Eggsy leaves the Kingsman tailor shop when he is confronted by a hooded figure]
Eggsy: Eggy. You mind if I share your cab?
[the hooded figure reveals himself to be Charlie]
[as Eggsy approaches him, Charlie pulls out a gun]
Charlie: It's ironic, isn't it? You look like a gentleman, I look like a pleb. If I was you, I'd unlock your cab.
[a group of Jaguar SUVs approach them slowly as Charlie has Eggsy enter the Kingsman taxi. Just when Eggsy unlocks the door, he shoves Charlie in the cab before signaling his driver to leave the premises]
Eggsy: Pete, get us out of here!
[Eggsy emerges out of the sewers back to his house]
Eggsy: Babe! I'm home!
Princess Tilde: I'm here.
[Princess Tilde sees Eggsy all covered in raw sewage]
Princess Tilde: What the hell happened?
Eggsy: [approaching Princess Tilde] It's a long story that deserves a kiss.
Princess Tilde: [backing up] Not even JB would kiss you right now.
[JB looks at Eggsy, then tilts his head to the floor]
Eggsy: If you really love me, just one little kiss.
[pause, then Princess Tilde closes her eyes and prepares to kiss Eggsy. He suddenly backs up]
Eggsy: You were really gonna do it?
Princess Tilde: Yeah.
Eggsy: Now that is true love right there. Amazing. I'm gonna go get changed.
[Poppy leads Charles and Angel to the diner's counter as she puts on an apron]
Poppy: So, fellas, I have a couple of things that I wanna clarify. You understand that in The Golden Circle, my authority is never to be questioned, right? And the importance of following orders? Do you understand that? And the value of loyalty?
[Charles and Angel nod]
Poppy: It's easy to nod, isn't it?
[Charles and Angel continue to nod]
Poppy: I don't like easy. I like proof.
[pause before Poppy looks at Angel]
Poppy: What's your name?
Angel: [Spanish accent] Angel, ma'am.
Poppy: Angel, baby. Hey...
Poppy: Your old pal Charles has messed up. That's all I'm gonna tell you, because that's all you need to know. So put him in the mincer, okay?
[Angel looks at the meat grinder behind the counter before everyone starts to laugh. Poppy then turns on the grinder, much to Charles' shock. Charles attempts to run, but is cornered by Poppy's robot dogs Bennie and Jet before Angel knocks him out and places him above the grinder]
Charles: No, Miss Poppy!
[Charles screams before being turned into ground beef]
Poppy: Good job! See my salon across the way? Head there for your makeover.
[Angel walks out of the diner as Poppy places a hamburger patty on the grill]
[Eggsy enters the Kingsman briefing room]
Arthur: Ah, Galahad! You're late. We were wondering if you'd had a second encounter with Charlie.
Eggsy: I wish. I'm looking forward to finishing him off.
[Eggsy sits down and puts on his glasses to greet the holographic projections of the other agents]
Eggsy: All right, gents.
[Merlin enters the room]
Arthur: Merlin, come in. Galahad and Lancelot, please remain for Merlin's debrief. Everyone else, reconvene at 1900 hours.
[the other agents sign off as Merlin activates the main screen]
Merlin: So, the man who attacked Galahad in the taxi was Charlie Hesketh, rejected Kingsman applicant turned bad. We last saw him back at Richmond Valentine's HQ.
[Merlin plays the security footage of Eggsy knocking out Charlie]
Merlin: Like everyone else there, Charlie had a security implant in his neck. A weakness we had no choice but to exploit.
[security footage shows the heads of Valentne's guests exploding]
Eggsy: [recalling Merlin's words] Hey Merlin. Still fucking spectacular, eh?
Eggsy: Come on, guys. Loosen up. We saved the world.
Merlin: Yeah. Unfortunately, Galahad, you also saved Charlie. When you electrocuted him, you damaged his implant. Instead of his head exploding, he only lost an arm and his vocal chords.
Eggsy: Fucker should be thanking me.
Arthur: And now he's back for revenge?
Merlin: We don't think so, sir. We believe he's being recruited by an unknown organization. Lancelot?
Roxy: Got the police autopsy reports from Charlie's colleagues in the SUVs. They're not just goons for hire. Fingerprints removed. Teeth filed smooth. I did a face recognition. Nothing.
Arthur: And that thing?
Roxy: A cosmetic tattoo made of 24-karat gold. They all had them. Seems like we're looking at some kind of underworld organization.
[Angel returns to the diner from his makeover at the salon]
Poppy: It's beautiful, isn't it?
[Angel looks at the golden ring tattoo on his chest]
Poppy: Not that. This.
[Poppy reveals a hamburger, to the shocked look on Angel's face]
Poppy: Bon appetit.
[Angel sits down and looks at the hamburger, then at Charles' legs sticking out of the meat grinder. He then picks up the burger and slowly bites it]
Poppy: How is it?
Angel: [Spanish accent] It's delicious!
Poppy: Welcome to Golden Circle.
[Eggsy is having dinner with the Swedish Royal Family]
Eggsy: [Swedish] This is very delicious.
The King of Sweden: I think we should do you the favor of conversing in English, yes?
The King of Sweden: So, tell me, what do you do?
Eggsy: I work for Kingsman, the tailors, Your Highness.
The King of Sweden: You may address my daughter as 'Your Highness'. Please address the Queen and myself with 'Your Majesty'.
Princess Tilde: Pappa, this is a family dinner, not some state function.
The King of Sweden: Well, then.
The King of Sweden: Eggsy, what do you make of the current situation in the Indian financial markets?
Princess Tilde: Pappa!
Eggsy: Uh... well...
Eggsy: I don't think we can underestimate the impact of ECB's quantitative easing measures. And, of course, the liquidity wave from the U.S. Federal Reserve rate hike getting pushed back.
[astonished look on the King's face before signaling for the next course]
The King of Sweden: Frida Kahlo.
Eggsy: Well, other than the 1939 acquisition by the Louvre, she wasn't really acknowledged. Until the new Mexicanisimo art movement of the late 1970s.
[the King signals for the next course]
The King of Sweden: Moorish revival.
Eggsy: Ah. The Palazzo Sammezzano, in Tuscany. Beautiful.
[the king signals for the next course]
The King of Sweden: Bluetooth technology.
Eggsy: Which, of course, got its name from the legendary Danish king Harald Blatand, whose name translates to 'Bluetooth' in English.
[back in England, Roxy is relaying all the information through Eggsy's glasses]
Roxy: And the Bluetooth logo is his initials in Norse runic symbols.
Eggsy: And, as I'm sure you know, the Bluetooth logo is his initials...
Princess Tilde: Yup.
Eggsy: ...in Norse runic symbols.
Roxy: Oh my God, Eggsy. Why isn't he eating his fucking pudding? I need to research this gold tattoo. I found records of other people with the same body modifications. All of them have high level involvement with crime and international drug trafficking. And there's rumors of something called The Golden Circle.
[Eggsy looks at the paintings on the dining room while visually typing 'ur da best' with his eyes]
Roxy: Best agent or best friend?
[Eggsy types 'both']
[Eggsy enters Harry's room with a Cairn Terrier puppy. Harry wakes up startled]
Eggsy: It's all right. Don't panic. Just thought I'd bring you a little leaving present.
[Eggsy approaches Harry]
Eggsy: What do you think? He's lovely, isn't he? Would you like to hold him?
[Eggsy gives the puppy to Harry]
Harry Hart: Hello.
[as Harry smiles at the puppy, Eggsy points his gun at it]
Eggsy: Do you think I should shoot him?
[Harry sees the gun and gets off the bed]
Harry Hart: Are you quite mad?
Eggsy: What? What's the problem?
Harry Hart: No! You can't!
Eggsy: Eh? What?
Harry Hart: No, you'll have to shoot me!
Eggsy: Shoot you? Well, I will shoot you.
Harry Hart: No! No one's sick enough to shoot a puppy!
Eggsy: Well, what about you, Harry? You were sick enough to shoot a puppy! Do you remember?
Harry Hart: What?
[Harry breathes heavily as he looks at the puppy and the butterflies on the walls coming to life. He begins to recall his old house and Mr. Pickle before the day Valentine shot him]
Harry Hart: It was a blank!
Eggsy: Yes, Harry! Yes!
Harry Hart: It was a fucking blank!
Eggsy: That's right. It was a blank.
Harry Hart: I would never hurt Mr. Pickle!
Eggsy: Yes, Harry!
Harry Hart: He lived a ripe old age! He died of pancreatitis!
[Harry looks at the puppy]
Harry Hart: You're not Mr. Pickle. Eggsy.
Eggsy: Hello, Harry.
Clara: What's the matter?
Eggsy: Nothing. I just feel that our spirit animals need more time to get in sync and find a harmonious bond on the spiritual plane.
Clara: Or we could just...
Eggsy: Clara, I don't think I can.
[Clara turns around to grab her robe. Eggsy suddenly notices the Golden Circle tattoo on her back]
Eggsy: But you know what? My crow is looking for a place to nest.
[Eggsy secretly puts on the finger condom as he kisses Clara. He then places his hand under her panties and inserts the tracking device]
Merlin: Good work, Eggsy! Tracker fully functional.
Ginger: Don't worry. I've been through this with Whiskey before. Nice to be working with an agent who knows what he's doing.
Chief of Staff Fox: The President actively sanctioned the deaths of hundreds of millions of people, and lied to the public. I am proud to be responsible for his impeachment, and I will do everything I can to ensure a smooth transition of power.
President of the United States: Let the junkie scum go down in flames!
[Eggsy destroys the thugs chasing him at Hyde Park]
Merlin: No time to relax. Police are right behind you. You have 30 seconds before they reach your position. Go directly to Rendezvous Swan.
[Eggsy stops the cab by the lake]
Eggsy: Merlin, you do realize I haven't even got a windscreen right now?
Merlin: I seem to remember in your training you were rather good at holding your breath.
[as police close in on him, Eggsy drives the cab into the lake and holds his breath before transforming it into a submarine. He reaches the secret entrance, gasping for breath as water is drained from the entrance]
Merlin: It wasn't a revenge mission. Charlie could've just killed you immediately. Not boasting, but I trained him well enough that even he wouldn't mess that up.
Eggsy: Merlin, I'm sorry, we're gonna have to do the debrief tomorrow. I've got to get to a dinner tonight and if I miss it, let's just say Charlie might as well have killed me.
Merlin: Well, if you can't wait for the police to clear the park, there's another way out in the corner.
[through Eggsy's glasses, Merlin points at the manhole in front of the cab. Eggsy opens the manhole and gags at the sight and smell of raw sewage]
Eggsy: [coughs] Fuck!
Merlin: How important is that dinner?
Eggsy: [sighs] Let me show you.
[Eggsy jumps into the sewer]
Poppy: My drugs are everywhere. They were never my thing, but here I am, running the biggest drug cartel in the world. The only downside is having to live in the middle of nowhere. You know, these ruins are technically undiscovered. I just added a few touches to remind me of home. I grew up on all that awesome '50s nostalgia. Grease, American Graffiti, Happy Days. But I digress. The thing you need to understand is the hard work and ingenuity it took to achieve a global monopoly on the drug trade. And that's all on me. Not to toot my own horn. I just think it's really important for new recruits to understand the history of The Golden Circle.
[Eggsy prepares to leave the house]
Princess Tilde: Eggsy, I hope you're hungry.
[Eggsy sees that Princess Tilde has prepared breakfast]
Eggsy: Oh, babe, I was gonna grab breakfast at work. This looks lovely, but I'm running late.
Princess Tilde: I just thought maybe we could practice? For tonight.
Princess Tilde: Mm-hmm.
Princess Tilde: You said you've never eaten at a palace before. And Pappa is sort of picky about table manners.
Eggsy: Well, as it happens, babe, I've got this shit on lock. I know what every single one of them knives and forks is for.
[Eggsy recalls his dining etiquette training with Harry]
Harry Hart: This is a butter knife. It's the only one you need to remember; the rest of the cutlery is easy. You start from the outside, and you work your way in with each course.
[Harry notices the way Eggsy is holding the knife]
Harry Hart: And never let anyone describe you as 'H.K.L.P.'
Eggsy: What is that?
Harry Hart: 'Holds knife like pen.' A habit erroneously described to be upper class dining etiquette.
[shows the proper way to hold the knife]
Harry Hart: It is quite the opposite.
[Harry points at the glasses]
Harry Hart: White wine, pudding wine, red wine, water, and pop. Or whatever tipple takes your fancy.
[Harry opens the soup bowl. Eggsy pours some soup on his bowl]
Eggsy: Am I supposed to wait for everyone else to be served before I start eating?
Harry Hart: Only if the dish being served is cold, or if the Queen is present. Otherwise, tuck in.
[back to present]
Eggsy: Got to be honest... never really thought that royalty bit would be relevant. Harry would've been chuffed.
Princess Tilde: Oh. I wish I could've met him.
[pause, before Eggsy turns around to face Harry's preserved dog]
Eggsy: You miss him too, don't you, Mr. Pickle? Mmm?
[pause, then Eggsy turns back to Princess Tilde]
Eggsy: Mr. Pickle says, 'Yeah'.
[JB barks while scratching a door in Eggsy's house]
Brandon: Come on, JB. Give it a rest, mate. Stop scratching the door. I'm gonna get the blame now.
[Brandon opens the door]
Brandon: There you are. Happy?
[as JB goes to his bed, Brandon notices the study room decorated with only three front cover pages of The Sun. He sits down on the desk]
Brandon: With the decks and all that.
[Brandon presses a button on the DJ mixer, which opens a secret weapons compartment on the wall]
Brandon: Shit, boy! What the...
[Brandon gets up and looks at the weapons and accessories. He gets a pair of glasses and a cigarette lighter before returning to the desk and putting on the glasses]
Brandon: Do you reckon, JB, model material?
[the glasses activate, showing Brandon the live feed on Eggsy's dinner with the Swedish Royal Family]
The King of Sweden: I must say, you're really not as I expected.
Eggsy: Well, thank you very much, Your Majesty.
Brandon: Eggsy, is that you, mate? What the fuck is going on here? You a gangster now or something? Fucking hell. Is that Tilde's mom and dad's house? Tell you what, whatever you're doing, I want in.
[Brandon gets a cigarette and opens the lighter, unknowingly activating the grenade charge. Eggsy warns Brandon, unaware that he's also pointing at the King]
Eggsy: Put it down!
[confused look in the King's face]
The King of Sweden: Why?
[meanwhile, Brandon wonders why the lighter is beeping and blinking red]
Brandon: What's this?
Eggsy: I said, put it down now!
The King of Sweden: What's wrong with it?
Eggsy: Shut it! Fucking shut it!
Princess Tilde: Eggsy.
The Queen of Sweden: I beg your pardon.
Eggsy: Shut it! Shut it now!
[Brandon closes the lighter]
Brandon: All right, mate. Chill your boots.
Princess Tilde: Eggsy, what...
[Eggsy realizes the confusion caused by his online argument]
Eggsy: Oh, no. Oh my God, no. I'm so sorry.
[JB starts to bark all of a sudden]
Brandon: You shut up and all. You got me in enough trouble.
[JB continues to bark until a missile suddenly hits the house, to the shock in Eggsy's face]
[Eggsy stands by the ruins of Kingsman Tailors. He notices a figure emerging from the other side and pulls his gun at him, only to discover that it is Merlin]
Eggsy: Someone decides to wipe out every Kingsman property, every agent, and somehow, conveniently, you weren't at home!
Merlin: I could say the same thing about you.
Eggsy: What, you think I'd kill Roxy? And my mate Brandon, and my fucking dog?
Merlin: No. You think I would?
[Merlin pulls out Charlie's robotic arm from his bag]
Merlin: This thing... hacked us. Clearly, this arm can be remotely controlled. I'm only alive because my address wasn't on the database with the agents. Whoever Charlie's working with doesn't think that mere staff are missile-worthy.
Eggsy: This ain't funny. Roxy is dead! Everyone's dead! Gone! Do you even care?
Merlin: Pull yourself together! Remember your training. There's no time for emotion in this scenario.
Merlin: Now, as all surviving agents are present, we follow the doomsday protocol. When that's done, and only then, you may shed a tear in private.
Eggsy: Okay. What's the doomsday protocol?
Merlin: We go shopping.
[Eggsy and Merlin enter Berry Bros. & Rudd winery]
Merlin: We're from Kingsman. We'd like to buy some wine. And use tasting room number three, please.
[Eggsy and Merlin enter the tasting room]
Merlin: Not one of my predecessors has ever been in this situation before. Thank God.
[Merlin looks at a wall crest]
[Merlin pulls out a Kingsman medallion]
Merlin: Remember this?
Eggsy: Yeah, how could I forget?
[Merlin places the medallion on the crest, opening it to reveal a safe]
Merlin: Whatever's in that safe is the answer to all our problems.
[Merlin opens the safe, only to find a bottle of Statesman whiskey]
Eggsy: Is that it?
Merlin: I suppose that must be upper-class humor. I don't get it.
Eggsy: Me neither. What the fuck are we supposed to do now?
Merlin: I think we should drink a toast to our fallen comrades.
[Merlin opens the bottle and pours some whiskey for himself and Eggsy]
Eggsy: To Roxy.
[they toast to Roxy]
[Merlin pours another round]
Merlin: To Arthur.
[they toast to Arthur]
Eggsy: Mmm. Should we do one for JB?
Merlin: I think we should.
[they both sit down and pour more rounds]
Merlin: [sobbing] I should have seen it coming. Charlie, the taxi. It's all my fault.
Eggsy: No, that's bullshit. Bullshit, Merlin. It ain't all your fault. You're the best, bruv. Honestly, without you, I'd have lost it a long time ago.
Merlin: I think we should drink to Scotland.
Eggsy: [grabs bottle from Merlin] I think we've probably had enough, to be honest.
Merlin: You're probably right.
[Eggsy looks at the bottle's back label, which reads 'Distilled in Kentucky', only with the K in the form of the Kingsman logo]
Eggsy: I think we're going to Kentucky.
Merlin: Fried chicken? I love fried chicken.
Eggsy: No. Proper Kentucky. Look.
[Eggsy shows Merlin the bottle]
Tequila: All right. Y'all ain't got nothing to protect other than your honor. Let's see what happens when we change things up.
[Tequila changes the glass window on the wall, revealing Harry shaving]
Eggsy: Fuck me!
Tequila: Y'all got three seconds to tell the truth.
[Tequila pulls out his gun and points it at Harry]
Merlin: Wait! No!
Tequila: He can't hear you, but I can. So talk.
Eggsy: Get down, Harry!
Tequila: That's two.
[Ginger enters the room and throws an umbrella at Tequila]
Ginger: Their story checked out. I opened our doomsday scenario locker and that umbrella was in it. Kingsman. It's got our logo on it.
[Tequila looks at the 'Kingsman London' label on the umbrella handle, with the 'S' in the form of the Statesman logo. Ginger dries up Eggsy and Merlin]
Ginger: I'm really sorry.
Tequila: My apologies, boys. I'd, I hope there ain't no hard feelings. I was just doin' my job. Welcome to Statesman, independent intelligence agency. Just like y'all, I reckon. But our founders went into the booze business. Thank the sweet Lord above. This is Ginger Ale. She's our strategy executive.
Tequila: I'm Agent Tequila.
Eggsy: This is the part where you untie us.
[Eggsy enters Harry's room]
Eggsy: Harry. What's going on?
Harry Hart: I was just packing. Look at all these lovely toiletries Merlin very kindly gave me as a leaving present. Here, try this aftershave.
Eggsy: Yeah, I know, Harry. I'm wearing it. Listen. You can't just give up.
Harry Hart: Give up? No, on the contrary, I'm about to achieve my dream. Researching rare butterflies alongside some of the finest minds in entomology.
[Eggsy looks at the drawings on the walls]
Eggsy: You know, you may as well have me stuck up on this wall. 'Cause you're never gonna find a butterfly more interesting than me.
Harry Hart: Sorry?
Eggsy: When you and I first met, I was just, like, a maggot.
Harry Hart: Maggots turn into flies. Perhaps you mean larva.
Eggsy: Larva, yeah, okay. Whatever. The point is, everyone wanted to squash me. But not you. You helped me to become a caterpillar. And now I've got wings. I'm flying higher than I ever dreamed, and that is all thanks to you.
Harry Hart: I hate to seem rude, but I need to finish packing and get some sleep.
Eggsy: Harry, you can't just walk away. Kingsman needs you. The whole world needs you.
Eggsy: I need you.
Harry Hart: Eggy, whoever the Harry was that you knew, he's gone, I'm afraid.
[offers a handshake]
Harry Hart: Goodbye.
[Eggsy calls Princess Tilde on FaceTime]
Princess Tilde: Hey.
Eggsy: Hi, babe. Uh, bit of a nightmare. I've got to sleep with a target, but I won't do it unless you agree that it's all right.
Princess Tilde: You've got to be fucking kidding. What was I? Target practice?
Eggsy: Babe, surely it's better that I'm honest with you rather than me doing it and not telling you. Kind of got a bit of a 'save the world' situation here.
Princess Tilde: How the fuck is screwing someone gonna save the world?
Eggsy: Well, it's a bit complicated, but trust me, I would not be doing it if I didn't have to.
Eggsy: Babe, please believe me. I love you. You are the person I wanna spend the rest of my life with.
Princess Tilde: Is that a proposal?
[nervous look on Eggsy's face]
Princess Tilde: Because I think I'd give you my permission. Having that security, knowing that we were committed, in that context, yeah. Yeah, I'd feel different.
Eggsy: Right. Well, I mean... I want to be with you. But being a public figure, babe, like a prince... it's a bit of a factor, you know, what with my job and stuff.
[Princess Tilde turns away]
Eggsy: Oh, no, no, no, come on. Okay. Uh, look, we need to talk about this properly. Just give me five minutes, okay?
Princess Tilde: Don't put yourself down, Eggsy. I'm sure you can last longer than that.
Champ: At what point are you going to start behaving like a Statesman, Tequila? You wanna go back to being a rodeo clown?
Tequila: No, sir. I apologize, sir.
[Champagne turns around towards Eggsy]
Champ: I'm Champagne. But anyone who knows what's good for him...
[throws hat at champagne bottle]
Champ: ... calls me Champ. Sorry for your troubles. As your American cousins, I'm placing all of Statesman's considerably larger resources at your disposal.
[Champ points at Statesman's stock market numbers]
Champ: Can you imagine us in the clothing business?
[Champ chuckles as he looks at the trophies by the window and sits down]
Champ: Now, how can I help you?
Eggsy: First of all, I've got to thank you for saving Agent Galahad.
Champ: Wait. You said that you were Agent Galahad.
Tequila: Oh, no, he's talking about the butterfly guy. That used to be his handle.
Eggsy: Galahad always said, 'You've got to look at the bigger picture. Ask why as well as who.' So if someone wanted to take out Kingsman, then they've got to be planning something major.
Champ: So what do you know?
Eggsy: They're a drug cartel, we think. The name Golden Circle keeps coming up.
Champ: Mmm. We'll look into them. What else?
Eggsy: One of our former trainees is working with them. Charlie Hesketh. Total prick.
Champ: You got any promising leads on him?
Eggsy: His ex-girlfriend. I've been tracking her through social media. We believe she's still in contact with him. And she's going to Glastonbury Music Festival.
Champ: Oh, good. Agent Tequila, break out your dancing shoes. You have a new mission.
Tequila: Yes, sir.
[Champ suddenly notices a blue rash on Tequila's neck and face]
Champ: Hold up. You feeling okay?
Tequila: I'm a little tired, but fine, thanks. Galahad, you ready?
Champ: Your face... You got...
[Tequila looks through the reflection on his steel glass]
Tequila: What the fuck?
Champ: Oh, shit. Head to the sick bay. Have Ginger check you out.
[Tequila walks to the door]
Champ: [whistles] Hey, give him your glasses.
[Tequila throws his glasses to Eggsy]
Champ: You're in luck, kid. Put them on. You get our finest senior agent to join you instead. Right now, he's in our New York office. Galahad, meet Agent Whiskey.
[Eggsy puts on the glasses and sees a hologram of Agent Whiskey]
Whiskey: Kid, looks like we're hookin' up with a chick at a rock concert. My favorite kind of mission. I'm sending my jet to pick you up.
Whiskey: Miss, I beg your pardon. Now, I don't wanna pester you, but I just have to know, what time are you playing?
Clara: I'm not in a band. Oh, God. Who did you think I was? Please don't say someone ghastly.
Whiskey: God damn it, now I feel like a fool. I just assumed that a woman with your... charisma, well, she just had to be somebody.
Clara: Right. Thank you.
Whiskey: No, it's okay. I know you didn't mean to make me feel like a dumbass. So I'll let you make it up to me by letting me buy you a drink.
Clara: Follow my finger.
[Clara points her finger in front of Whiskey and swipes left]
Whiskey: [chuckles] What are we doing?
Clara: Swiping to the left. What, you don't do Tinder in America?
Whiskey: Tinder what?
Eggsy: Do you know, I think it's probably a generational thing. It translates as: 'Go away, old man'.
Whiskey: Be good, be cool.
Clara: Thank you for that.
Eggsy: Okay, so according to her Instagram feed, Charlie's ex-girlfriend is up ahead at the VIP bar. Which one of us is gonna place the tracker?
[Eggsy and Whiskey pass through security]
Whiskey: I say we both make an approach, whoever gets on best, goes for it.
Eggsy: Well, it doesn't have to be a competition, bruv. Why don't we just go up to her, shake her hand, pat her on the back, whatever, you know. Job done.
Whiskey: The hand is not a mucous membrane, Eggsy. Neither is the back. They teach you anything at Kingsman?
Eggsy: What are you talking about?
Whiskey: Our trackers are designed to enter the bloodstream. They circulate harmlessly, providing full audio and GPS.
Eggsy: Mucous membrane. That's like up the nose, isn't it? What the fuck am I gonna do? Stick my finger...
Eggsy: It's not just inside the nose, is it?
Whiskey: No, Eggsy. It ain't.
Whiskey: All right, I'll take the first crack. Watch and learn, buddy.
[Whiskey takes a drink from his belt buckle flask before approaching Clara]
Eggsy: Good luck.
[Eggsy and Merlin enter Harry's room]
Harry Hart: Hello.
Eggsy: Hello, mate.
[Eggsy approaches Harry to hug him, but Harry backs away. Merlin approaches Harry with a handshake]
Harry Hart: How do you do? Have we met before?
Eggsy: Harry, it's okay. It's fine. They know that we know you.
Harry Hart: I think there must be some mistake.
Merlin: It's been such a long time, Harry. I need to get my brogues resoled.
Eggsy: Yeah, and my oxfords are done in as well.
Harry Hart: Why are you telling me about your shoes?
Harry Hart: I'm a lepidopterist.
Eggsy: You're a what?
Harry Hart: I study butterflies.
[Harry points at his butterfly drawings on the walls]
Merlin: Well, you wanted to be before you joined the Army, but... Harry, look at me.
[Merlin points a finger for Harry to look at with his right eye]
Merlin: It's good to see you.
[Harry and Eggsy enter Poppy's diner, carrying Poppy's briefcase with them]
Poppy: Hey, fellas.
Harry Hart: You're going to give us the code.
Poppy: [gasps] Mmmm. Or what? 'Cause you don't seem like the kind of gentlemen who would hurt a lady.
[Harry and Eggsy put their guns down and sit at the counter]
Harry Hart: Perhaps not. Call me old-fashioned. I don't consider genocide especially lady-like.
Eggsy: Right. Enough small talk.
[Eggsy opens the briefcase]
Eggsy: Give us the code.
Poppy: No, I don't think so.
[Harry pulls Poppy down on the briefcase before Eggsy injects her with heroin on her neck]
Eggsy: Heroin. You know, where I come from, this shit you've been peddling's ruined a lot of lives. But yours is even more deadly. But it feels so nice, it's gonna make you lower your guard.
Harry Hart: Our colleague Merlin, may he rest in peace, managed to synthesize your horrible little formula and speed up its effects. So I would say you have just under eight minutes before paralysis sets in and your breathing stops. But, of course, you know all about that.
Eggsy: So here's the deal. You release the antidote worldwide, and we make sure you get a dose.
Poppy: I have to give you the code to live? Honey, you're so smart. You should work for me.
Eggsy: Right. Give us the code.
Poppy: Why not? The decree's getting signed soon. Anyhoo, um... It's 'Viva Las Vegan'. Get it? 'Viva Las... '
[Poppy looks at Harry]
Poppy: Mmm. Come snuggle with me. I like you.
Harry Hart: I don't think that's terribly likely.
[Poppy laughs before she collapses]
Harry Hart: She's OD'd. You gave her too much?
Eggsy: Did I? You know, I really don't have as much experience with all this drug stuff as people think. Better be the right code.
Champ: In honor of this historic occasion, we have purchased... a distillery in Scotland. This shows the world that Kingsman is now joining the liquor business.
[Champ pours Kingsman scotch in a glass for Tequila]
Champ: Before we were cousins. Now we're brothers, working side-by-side.
[pouring himself some scotch]
Champ: All our resources are now yours. You can rebuild
Tequila: Yeah, y'all shitting in high cotton now.
Champ: Agent Tequila, this is a formal occasion. Where's your tie and jacket?
Tequila: Sorry, sir.
Champ: Maybe the Kingsman boys can dress you properly.
[Champ raises his glass to Harry and Eggsy]
Champ: To our union.
[Tequila and the holographic projections of the other Statesman agents raise their glasses]
Champ: Final order of business. We would be honored if one of you would be our new Agent Whiskey.
Tequila: Yeah, this, uh, two Galahad thing is just, just fucking confusing.
Eggsy: Well, I...
Harry Hart: Well, I'm very honored.
Ginger: Champ? I'd like to throw my hat in the ring.
[Champ knocks on the table]
Champ: All right. Statesman, the vote.
[All Statesman agents raise their glasses]
Champ: Looks like she's in. Have a seat.
[Eggsy pulls a chair for Ginger]
Champ: To Agent Whiskey!
Poppy: Yep, Kingsman is crumpets! Like toast, but British.
Angel: Poppy, would you pass the sugar, please?
Poppy: Okay, but it's really bad for you. Eight times more addictive than cocaine. Five times more likely to cause death. But it's legal. So, you go ahead, knock yourself out. Don't get me started on tobacco and alcohol. Peddle that stuff and you're in Fortune 500. But me? No! I'm out here hiding in the middle of nowhere. Homesick. Because I sell drugs.
Elderly Patient 1: [panting after near miss] That's the first decent shit I've had in three weeks.
Chief of Staff Fox: [begging] Mr. President, I routinely work a 20 hour day for you, 7 days a week. Maybe some can do that without chemical help. Countless people are going to die. You can save them, sir. Innocent people like me.
President of the United States: Not *that* innocent.
[she is carted off]
Merlin: [singing] Almost heaven, West Virginia, Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River...
[Merlin chops the vines to reveal himself to Poppy's guards]
Confused Guard: Poppy, come in.
Confused Guard: Are you expecting another lawyer? There's a guy here singing.
Merlin: [singing] Life is older, older than the trees, younger than the mountains, blowin' like a breeze...
Merlin: [singing] Country roads, take me home, to the place I belong...
Poppy: Bring him to me.
Merlin: [singing] West Virginia, mountain momma, take me home, country road...
[as the lead guard approaches Merlin with the walkie-talkie, Merlin takes off his glasses and headbutts him. The other guards raise their guns and slowly approach Merlin]
Poppy's Security Gate Guard: Poppy, we got a situation here.
Merlin: [singing] Country roads, take me home, to the place I belong, West Virginia, mountain momma, take me home, country road...
[Merlin sets off the landmine, killing him and the guards]
Poppy: Ooh. He stepped on a landmine. Can we get somebody out there to clean that up? Hello?
[Harry opens the briefcase and enters the release code]
Harry Hart: Viva Las...
[a lasso is suddenly wrapped around his neck]
[Eggsy turns around and sees Whiskey]
Whiskey: Don't move, kid. You try anything funny, and I'll turn this thing electric. Now give up your guns, fellas. Slide 'em over.
[Eggsy and Harry grab their guns and slide them over to Whiskey]
Eggsy: Whiskey, we are all on the same side here. You've had a head injury. The exact same thing happened to Harry. You're having some sort of... brain glitch.
Whiskey: Nope. My brain's all good, kid. And you know what? I reckon the same was true for your old friend Harry over here. Real fine instincts, I'll give him that. So stay still, or I'll dice him up so small, you can take him home in a bucket and still have room for what's left of your buddy Merlin.
Eggsy: Well, that's just fucking great. You're working for the President?
Whiskey: That asshole?
Whiskey: Hell no. It's a matter of personal principle, Agent. No more drug users. And the Statesman share price rockets.
Eggsy: So those are your principles? Making money? Our agencies were founded to uphold peace. To protect the innocent.
Whiskey: Do you wanna know who was innocent? My high school sweetheart. Love of my life. Pregnant with my little boy. He's be about your age now if his mama hadn't got caught in the crossfire when two meth head freaks decided to rob a fucking convenience store. A world without those people in it... sure smells like peace to me. You break the law, you pay the price. Good riddance to all of them. That's why I got to destroy that case. Now slide it over, Agent Galahad.
[Harry closes the case and slides it over to Whiskey]
Whiskey: Thank you.
Eggsy: Do you know what, Harry? I think he's got a point. I think it sounds like a bright idea.
[Eggsy activates the flash on his watch to temporarily blind Whiskey while Harry disarms him and frees himself from the lasso]