Disclaimer: my rating is based on the first two and a half episodes of season one. That was how long I could hold out until boredom killed me, and now I am neither able nor inclined to continue watching this show. Take that as you will. Thank goodness though, my internet ghost powers have granted me the ability to post a review on IMDB, so here goes.
The show is an adaptation of the Internet phenomenon "creepypasta" (a play on the words copy & paste, as they are short, creepy stories copied and pasted over various web sites, often passed off as real). While this is not a bad thing, per se, the fact that one of the creators flat out stated they chose an(y) adaptation over coming up with original material because it's easier to get studio executives to approve, kinda sets the tone where they were going with this in terms of caring about the source material.
The first season borrows from the creepypasta Candle Cove. For those unfamiliar, the story is set up as an exchange of messages on the fictional NetNostalgia Forum, where anonymous users reminisce about a low budget kid's show that got progressively creepier, with a neat twist at the end. The story works really well in this format, and is a favorite pasta of many people, including me.
So, through the magic of Internet, I discovered, somewhat late, that Syfy channel chose this story as a basis for the first season of their show, Channel Zero. I was familiar with the Syfy channel mostly through 5 Sharknado movies, so I don't really know why I thought this could possibly turn out good, but whatever you can say about the Sharknadoes: they are not boring.
Not so much can be said for Candle Cove, Channel Zero edition. The season's runtime is 6 episodes of about 45 minutes each, and boy, they did NOT adapt the (quite short) Candle Cove story to that runtime well. Before going into that, a short summary of the show's premise is in order: instead of the message board format, it's a small town where several years ago 5 kids went missing, 4 of which their bodies were found, horribly murdered. A group of adults, present day, remember seeing the show Candle Cove as a kid, at the time of these murders. Hijinks ensue.
The premise seems decent enough and it could have maybe worked if they, oh, I don't know, wrote a decent script or something, but they clearly lack the effort and the talent for that. Instead, we get painfully long silences, drawn-out shots of trees and fields, nonsensical storytelling elements, and shoehorned-in Stephen King tropes to pad the runtime.
Most of what I saw before I so tragically got bored to death, was bad, but a special word about the acting: it's debatable whether most of the actors are bad at acting, or just had nothing to work with. I'm going to go with both.
I did find the emotional range (about a toothpick) of the main actor, Paul Schneider, and his overall performance, especially grating. He reacts to every situation (being interviewed on a show, encountering a dressed-up-creep in the forest, getting sliced with a knife by his mother) with the same, vague expression, something akin to a toddler trying to grasp whether or not someone with hands before their face has actually disappeared. Please, everyone who makes movies, never hire Paul Schneider as an actor, this guy cannot act.
The one star I rate this is for the design of the actual Candle Cove kid's show. It is they only thing that shows some level of caring about the source material. Otherwise, this soulless husk of a series will bore you to death if you are just a little bit critical. I suppose the only way to survive is already being uncritically brain dead due to years of gradual exposure to cable garbage before going in, but lacking such preparation, the shock was too great for me, and I perished. Be warned.
