Terry: So, uh, 9/11.

[everyone looks at Terry expectantly]

Terry: No I mean, I've always wanted to have a conversation with

[gestures at Kumail]

Terry: about it. With

[gestures again at Kumail]

Terry: people.

Kumail: You've never talked to people about 9/11?

Terry: No what's your, what's your stance?

Kumail: What's my stance on 9/11? Oh um, anti. It was a tragedy, I mean we lost 19 of our best guys.

Beth: Huh?

Kumail: That was a joke, obviously. 9/11 was a terrible tragedy. And it's not funny to joke about it.

Emily: [Whilst using her phone to book an uber] Listen, I had a really nice time, thank you very much. I'm just going to like, call an Uber, go home and I hope

[gets interrupted by Kumail's phone alert]

Emily: Just...

Kumail: [showing Emily the Uber request] Your driver will be ready as soon as he puts on his pants.

[Kumails friends discuss Emilys medically induced coma]

Chris: You know, it might be a good thing. Like, she might wake up with a new skill. Like, my cousin, blacked out once, and then, when he came to, he thought he knew a different language.

CJ: Did he?

Chris: No. Apparently, it was... It was just gibberish that he made up. It was brain damage.

Emily: I didn't heckle you, just woo-hoo'd you. It's supportive.

Kumail: Okay, that's a common misconception. Yelling anything at a comedian is considered heckling. Heckling doesn't have to be negative.

Emily: So, if I... if I yelled out like... *you're amazing in bed*, that'd be a heckle?

Kumail: Yeah. It would be an accurate heckle.

Sharmeen: I was so worried. We saw on the news that a train derailed, and we thought that you were on the train, and you had died.

Kumail: Nobody died on that train, ma.

Sharmeen: But did they look under the train?

[Terry tells Kumail that he cheated on his wife]

Terry: It was horrible, too. As soon as I was finished, as soon as I finished, I was like, "what did you fucking do? What did you just do?"

[Terry shouts at the top of his lungs]

Terry: "What did you do?"

[Terry pauses]

Terry: You know, that-that, uh, moment of clarity you get, right after an orgasm.

Kumail: Yeah.

Kumail: [talking about Chris] He's like if a serial killer fucked an inspirational speaker.

CJ: He's like Daniel Day-Lewis except he sucks.

Emily: Were you available for rides while we were fucking?

Kumail: Yeah, but I only looked a couple of times.

Kumail: So... to fully know I love someone, I have to cheat on them?

Terry: Out loud, it sounds stupid. Eh, it's... yeah, that's terrible advice.

Sam Highsmith: [performing] I don't want kids. People say, "Sam, you're gonna love it. This kid... you're gonna have a kid. He's gonna be your best friend." A best friend that pukes on you and shits everywhere and is constantly screaming. I already *have* friends like that.