Terry: So, uh, 9/11.
[everyone looks at Terry expectantly]
Terry: No I mean, I've always wanted to have a conversation with
[gestures at Kumail]
Terry: about it. With
[gestures again at Kumail]
Kumail: You've never talked to people about 9/11?
Terry: No what's your, what's your stance?
Kumail: What's my stance on 9/11? Oh um, anti. It was a tragedy, I mean we lost 19 of our best guys.
Kumail: That was a joke, obviously. 9/11 was a terrible tragedy. And it's not funny to joke about it.
Emily: [Whilst using her phone to book an uber] Listen, I had a really nice time, thank you very much. I'm just going to like, call an Uber, go home and I hope
[gets interrupted by Kumail's phone alert]
Kumail: [showing Emily the Uber request] Your driver will be ready as soon as he puts on his pants.
[Kumails friends discuss Emilys medically induced coma]
Chris: You know, it might be a good thing. Like, she might wake up with a new skill. Like, my cousin, blacked out once, and then, when he came to, he thought he knew a different language.
CJ: Did he?
Chris: No. Apparently, it was... It was just gibberish that he made up. It was brain damage.
Emily: I didn't heckle you, just woo-hoo'd you. It's supportive.
Kumail: Okay, that's a common misconception. Yelling anything at a comedian is considered heckling. Heckling doesn't have to be negative.
Emily: So, if I... if I yelled out like... *you're amazing in bed*, that'd be a heckle?
Kumail: Yeah. It would be an accurate heckle.
[Terry tells Kumail that he cheated on his wife]
Terry: It was horrible, too. As soon as I was finished, as soon as I finished, I was like, "what did you fucking do? What did you just do?"
[Terry shouts at the top of his lungs]
Terry: "What did you do?"
Terry: You know, that-that, uh, moment of clarity you get, right after an orgasm.
Sam Highsmith: [performing] I don't want kids. People say, "Sam, you're gonna love it. This kid... you're gonna have a kid. He's gonna be your best friend." A best friend that pukes on you and shits everywhere and is constantly screaming. I already *have* friends like that.