Deadpool: [to Cable] Zip it, Thanos!
Wade Wilson: With this collar on, my superpower is just unbridled cancer. Give me a bow and arrow and I'm basically Hawkeye.
Deadpool: So, from our family to yours, keep your pants dry, your dreams wet, and remember, hugs not drugs.
Blind Al: Listen to the pain. It's both history teacher and fortune teller. Pain teaches us who we are, Wade. Sometimes it's so bad we feel like we're dying, but we can't really live until we die a little, can we?
Deadpool: [to Cable] You killed Black Tom, you racist son of a bitch!
Weasel: And last but not least... Peter.
Deadpool: Any power you wanna tell us about?
Peter: I don't... I don't have one. Um, I just saw the ad.
Deadpool: No superpowers at all?
Peter: Uh, I have both type 1 and 2 diabetes.
Deadpool: Ow! Oh!
Weasel: That's all the diabetes.
Deadpool: Right. Yeah, you got them all. If you find a type 3, let us know. Yeah. You're in.
Deadpool: [fighting the Juggernaut] Hey, big guy, the sun's getting real low.
Deadpool: Only best buddies execute pedophiles together.
Cable: I was born into war, bred into it. People think they understand pain, but they have no concept of it. What's the most pain you've ever felt? Maybe the kind that leaves you more machine than man.
Deadpool: [halts trailer] Wait, no, STOP! What in the actual ass? Dale! Why, why are the visual effects not done? It's a metal arm! It's not like we're trying to remove a mustache! Oh fuck it, I'll do it myself...
Deadpool: I know what you're thinking: "I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home." But that's where you'd be wrong. That babysitter of yours is high as fuck right now. And believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film. True story. And every big family film starts... with a vicious murder. Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.
Domino: They're headed into the tunnel.
Deadpool: I'm that kid's only hope, so sit tight and wait for my word.
Domino: Whatever. We're gonna lose 'em. I'm dropping in.
Deadpool: Uh, that's a negative, sole survivor. Luck is not a superpower! We are so fucked!
Deadpool: No, we are most certainly not fucked.
Deadpool: Seriously, I don't get it! What, you shoot luck lasers out your eyes? It's just hard to picture. And certainly not very cinematic. I mean, luck? What coked-out, glass pipe-sucking freakshow comic book artist came up with that little chestnut? Probably a guy who can't draw feet!
Deadpool: So, what exactly do you do in the future, anyway, huh? Some kind of soldier?
Cable: Yeah, something like that.
Deadpool: I was a soldier. Special Forces. I bet fifty years from now we'll be bestest buddies.
Cable: Fifty years from now you'll be very dead. Your entire generation will fuck this planet into a coma.
[makes exploding sound]
Deadpool: Spoiler alert. Ha ha! Ah, planets.
Domino: [whispers to herself] Next time Uber.
Cable: Here's a spoiler alert. You're not a fucking hero. You're just an annoying clown dressed up as a sex toy.
Deadpool: Well, I got news for you, my heart is in the right place. Russell's not gonna kill anyone. Because of me, he's gonna know what real love is.
Cable: Because of you, I'll always know what a grown man with baby balls looks like.
Deadpool: I'm a grower, not a shower.
Domino: I should've finished college.
Peter: [putting lotion on face] I don't know much about this Cable fella, but I guarantee you he hasn't killed as many people as melanoma has.
Cable: You're not a fuckin' hero. You're just an annoying clown dressed up as a sex toy.
Deadpool: I don't know how to thank you, but I do know how to hug you.
Deadpool: [gets closer to Cable] Yes. Here we go. Bring it in.
Deadpool: Come on. Pelvis to pelvis. Let's go tip to tip. There we go, the kids call this docking.
[hears a knife open]
Deadpool: Is there a knife in my dick?
Cable: There's a knife in your dick, yeah.
Blind Al: Sweetheart, can you speak up? It's a little hard to hear you with that pity-dick in your mouth.
Dopinder: I want to fill my soul. I want to belong to something, like you, Pool sir.
Deadpool: Dopinder, you never cease to surprise me. You know, the depth of your heart is extraordinary. We all need a sense of belonging. We all need a genuine sense of home, a place...
Dopinder: I want to become a contract killer.
Deadpool: I'm sorry, what did you say?
Dopinder: Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu and threatened him with great violence?
Deadpool: Yeah, you kinda killed him.
Dopinder: And remember the movie "Interview with the Vampire?"
Deadpool: Don't want to.
Dopinder: When Tom Cruise fed 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood for the first time. And she looked up at his smooth, handsome face and said "I want some more." Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst.
Deadpool: ...I'll never *not* picture that. But I can't wait to never speak of this, as soon as possible.
[after Wade's legs were torn off, they're growing back and look like toddler legs. Weasel walks in on him sitting on the couch with no pants on next to Blind Al]
Weasel: Why wouldn't you cover that up?
Wade Wilson: A warrior has nothing to be ashamed of.
Weasel: Yeah, but you do. I mean, look at you, you're just straight shirt-cocking it? Toddler style?
Wade Wilson: Oh yeah. Full Winnie the Pooh.
Blind Al: The hell's happening? Describe it.
Wade Wilson: I wouldn't ask him to do that if I were you.
Weasel: It's like, um...
Wade Wilson: Here we go.
Weasel: It's like he was giving birth anally but they quit halfway through. They got the legs out and said "You know what? I'm done."
Wade Wilson: [to Blind Al] Happy?
Weasel: It's like he's a Muppet from the waist down, but this time, you can see the Muppet's dick. Grover's got a cock the size of a...
[Dopinder comes in]
Dopinder: AH! Oh, no, no, no, DP, not again.
Weasel: This has happened before?
[Dopinder starts gagging]
Weasel: Jesus, either vomit or don't. The indecision is killing me.
Blind Al: Why couldn't God take my hearing?
Deadpool: He's teamed up with the Juggernaut. The Juggernaut! That's, like, my favorite Marvel character ever, but you should never meet your heroes, because honestly, he's a bit of a dick! And like a lot of dicks, he's as hard as a rock, and causes nothing but problems!
Deadpool: As a former X-Man...
Deadpool: Thank you, Bedlam. I was always appalled by the blatant sexism in the group's name. X-Men? *Men*? The point is, our group will be forward-thinking. Gender neutral. From now on, we'll be known as... X-Force.
Domino: Isn't that a little derivative?
Deadpool: I don't recall asking your opinion, Peter.
Peter: ...That wasn't me.
Deadpool: What do you get when you take 8-feet of chrome, one pinch of courage, a cup of good luck, a dab of racism, a splash of diabetes, and a wheelbarrow of stage 4 cancer? Answer: A family. See? I didn't lie what kind of film this was. If there's anything you take away today - other than the need to google "what the fuck is dubstep" - it's that we all need to belong to someone.
Tenors , Basses: [singing] You can't stop him / Ah-ah-ah-ah / You can't stop this / Motherfucker!
Sopranos , Altos: [singing] Holy... shitballs... / Holy... shitballs... / Holy... shitballs... / Holy... shitballs... / Holy... shitballs... / Holy... shitballs...
[Deadpool / Wade Wilson says his goodbyes to all those around him, and while "dying"]
Wade Wilson: I hope the Academy is watching.
Deadpool: Good news and bad news. Bad news is the whole team is dead. The good news is I don't think anyone is gonna miss Shatterstar, he was a bit of a prick.
Deadpool: Four or five moments. That's all it takes to be a hero. People think you wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, ejaculate into a soap dispenser a hero. But now, being a hero, it's only a few moments. Few moments doing the ugly stuff no one else will do.
Zeitgeist: I'm Zeitgeist.
Deadpool: Cool. I'd like to say you have the power to put your finger on the... pulse of society?
Zeitgeist: No... No, I spit acidic vomit.
Zeitgeist: You want me to demonstrate?
Deadpool: No, thank you.
Weasel: We'll take your word for it.
Deadpool: Yeah, listen, we've all eaten at Arby's. Okay?
Deadpool: [yelling at Colossus inside the Xavier Institute] You know what? Doing the right thing is sometimes messy, and fucked up, and not particularly convenient. So, stay here in Chateau de Virgin while we go get our fuck on!
Firefist: [in their cell] Tomorrow, we find the biggest guy in here... and we'll make him our bi...
[hears loud noise]
Firefist: What was that?
Wade Wilson: That is the biggest guy in here. Fun fact about the Ice Box, no one's ever seen it, they keep a monster in the basement. Right next to a
[looks at the camera]
Wade Wilson: huge, steaming ball of foreshadowing.
Deadpool: [dizzy from a big action sequence] Tell me they got that in slow-motion...
Buck: You know what "fine" stands for, Wade? Fucked up, insecure, needy, and emotional.
Deadpool: Fuck Wolverine. First he rides my coattails with the R-rating, and then, that hairy motherfucker ups the ante by dying. What a dick. Well, guess what, Wolvie? I'm dying in this one, too.
Deadpool: In every film, there's a moment when the hero hits rock bottom. In "Cool Runnings," it was when John Candy's prized bobsled broke. In "Human Centipede," it was when those people signed on to be in that movie. But in this film, well, you're looking at it. Rock, meet Bottom.
Wade Wilson: [to Cable] Is that a fanny pack? I used to have one of those in nineteen-ninety-never.
Wade Wilson: ["Last words"] Woodpecker... Gingivitis... Cuntpop... Do you wanna build a snowman?
[Weapon XI appears in front of Wolverine]
Wolverine: Wade, is that you?
Wolverine: I guess Stryker finally figured out how to shut you up.
[as Wolverine extends his claws, Weapon XI is suddenly shot in the head by Deadpool]
Deadpool: Hey, it's me! Don't scratch! Just cleaning up the timelines! Look, eventually, you're going to hang up the claws, and it's gonna make a lot of people very sad.
Deadpool: But one day, your old pal Wade's gonna ask you to get back in the saddle again.
[shoots Weapon XI again twice]
Deadpool: And when he does, say yes.
[continues to shoot Weapon XI]
Wolverine: Oh, right.
[Deadpool waves at Wolverine while shooting Weapon XI and walking away]
Deadpool: [whispers] I love you.
Deadpool: [to Peter] Go home, Sugar Bear, go home.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [Introducing Yukio to Wade] Wade, Yukio. Yukio, Wade.
[Yukio waves to Wade]
Wade Wilson: What the fuck knuckles is this?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: She's my girlfriend, you intolerant shit.
Wade Wilson: Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, Fox and Friends. I'm just surprised anyone would date you, especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony.
[Winks to Yukio]
Yukio: I like this guy.
Wade Wilson: Sorry I'm late. There was a bunch of handicapable children stuck in a tree and I had to, uh...
Wade Wilson: You're right. I was fighting a caped badass. But then we discovered his mom is named Martha, too.
Wade Wilson: You got me. I was rounding up all the gluten in the world and launching it into space where it can't not hurt us ever again.
Vanessa: Try again.
Wade Wilson: Diarrhea? We can't be sure until I get this suit off but, uh, all signs point to yes. Traffic? Hmm?
Vanessa: Kiss me like you miss me, Red.
Juggernaut: Knock knock.
Weasel: [to Wade] Go home. You've been here for three days, okay? You smell like somebody shit in a civil war wound after it'd become gangrenous. They should've just amputated it, why shit in it? Doesn't make any sense.
Deadpool: [to Cable] Hands off that kid, John Conner!
Deadpool: Tell me they got that in slow motion.
Deadpool: Let's go get our fuck on!
Wade Wilson: The asshole who killed Vanessa got away.
Colossus: Wade, whoever they are, we'll track them down, and bring them to justice.
Wade Wilson: It was me. I'm the asshole who got away. I've killed every last one of them, except me. I couldn't kill me.
[Wade starts breaking down]
Wade Wilson: We were going to start a family. We were, uh... We were gonna be a family...
Colossus: Wade, Vanessa is gone. She's not coming back. This might not be the family you want, but it's the family you need. You have a good heart. It belongs here, where it can grow.
Wade Wilson: What did you say? About my heart?
[Wade hugs Colossus]
Wade Wilson: I think I'm in the right place.
Vanessa: Kids give us a chance of being better than we used to be. He needs you.
[Deadpool carries baby Hitler]
Deadpool: That's okay. Let me see here. Oh, gosh. That's why you're such a little bastard. No one's ever changed you. Yeah, you got a big, old stinky in there, don't you? God, it smells like Hitler's anus, which... which would make sense, wouldn't it? Yeah.
[places baby Hitler on weighing scale]
Deadpool: I think we both know I don't have what it takes to do this, so I'm just gonna change your diaper real quick, and then I'm gonna come back with my friend Cable. He loves killing kids.
Deadpool: Taking the hands out of the guns of the criminals!
Deadpool: [Restored to full health after his collar broke off] Hello, superpower.
Blind Al: Sweetheart, could you speak up? I can't hear you with that pity dick in your mouth.
[Deadpool sneaks into a maternity ward and approaches one of the babies]
Deadpool: Boy, howdy. Hi. This is a toughie. Yeesh. Oh, yes. You're already practicing your little salute, huh? Yes, you are. Well, we'll take care of that, won't we?
Deadpool: Jesus Christ! This is so much tougher than I thought. Oh-ho.
[faces the baby again]
Deadpool: Oh, I'm going to hell.
[points at baby]
Deadpool: That makes two of us.
[places his hands on his head while walking in circles]
Deadpool: You can do this.
[looks at baby again while waving his arms back and forth]
Deadpool: This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. All right.
[cracks knuckles and sighs. Baby's crib is labeled 'A. Hitler - 20 April 1889']
Deadpool: Maximum effort.
[proceeds to grab baby]
Deadpool: Juggernaut! I should've worn the white pants!
[Colossus is reading a book when he hears music outside. He sees Deadpool playing Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" on his smartphone before covering his ears]
Deadpool: I made mistakes! I wanna take them back! You trusted me. I took that trust... and turned it into a glory hole in an airport bathroom. The one in Minneapolis. You know the one.
[Colossus walks out of his room and looks at Deadpool]
Deadpool: But even you know I'm not a complete piece of shit! I was once an X-Man!
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Trainee!
[Negasonic Teenage Warhead throws a food container at Deadpool, knocking the smartphone off his hand. Deadpool turns around and picks up the container]
Deadpool: You're still using my Velcro labels. Aw.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: They do stick better than tape.
Yukio: [waving at Deadpool] Hi Wade!
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Please don't.
Colossus: Say whatever it is you're here to say. Make it quick.
Deadpool: Right. Quick. It's the kid. Just like you, I let him down. And just like me, he's never had anyone sacrifice anything for him because the whole world wrote him off as a piece of shit a long time ago. Look, he's teamed up with the Juggernaut!
Deadpool: The Juggernaut! Who's, like, my favorite Marvel character ever-
[looks at Yukio]
Deadpool: And hi Yukio! That was really nice of you to say hi, so I'm gonna say hi back. You guys make a super cute couple. Yeah. Where was I?
[looks back at Colossus]
Deadpool: Oh, yeah. You should never meet your heroes because, honestly, he's a bit of a dick! And like most dicks, he's hard as a rock and causes nothing but problems! Look, you can stop the Juggernaut. I know you can!
Colossus: Do you know what would happen to me if I helped you? I would be disgraced. You are a criminal, a fugitive. But worst of all, you broke my heart, Wade.
Deadpool: Then, you know what? Your heart's in the wrong place, big guy. Doing the right thing is sometimes messy and fucked up, and not particularly convenient! So stay here in Chateau de Virgin while we go get our fuck on!
Deadpool: [to prison goon] What's your superpower? Cultural appropriation?
Domino: Lady Luck, take the wheel.
Firefist: Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta!
Firefist: [to Sluggo] You're about to get dick-slapped!
[During a Sicilian mafia funeral, Deadpool breaks out of the coffin and shoots at the mob]
Deadpool: Whoo! Do not go in there!
Colossus: [chuckling] We should go before Fuckernaut wakes up.
Vanessa: [to Wade Wilson] You better pump a baby into me cowboy!
Deadpool: Showtime Mama!
Juggernaut: [to Colossus] I'm gonna melt you down and make a cock ring.
Deadpool: [to Domino] Zip it, black Black Widow!
Weasel: I'll tell you why I'm here. "The Time Traveler's Wife's" husband beat me within an inch of my life. He was torturing me! But all I told him was everything he wanted to know. So, I'm here to help us gear up so we can go after him without me.
Ryan Reynolds: [to himself, holding the Green Lantern script] You're in the big leagues now, kid!
[blood splatters on the script and cuts to Reynolds' face with a gunshot wound in the forehead, he drops revealing Deadpool behind him with a gun]
Deadpool: [to the camera] You're welcome, Canada.
[after Deadpool realizes Cable traveled back in time to save him]
Deadpool: You time-sliding son of a bitch. You did this for me? Wait, you can't go back. You used the last of your fuel. What about your girl and your wife?
Cable: No, my family's safe. And I didn't do it for you. No, I'm gonna stick around for a while and make sure the world doesn't shit itself into oblivion.
Deadpool: No, you did it for me.
Cable: No, I didn't.
Deadpool: You did.
Cable: No, I didn't.
Deadpool: Pretty sure you did.
Cable: No, I'm positive I didn't.
Deadpool: Fine. Alright, let's flip a coin, okay? Heads, you did it for me. Tails, you did it for me.
Deadpool: I'm not even gonna look because you did it for me.
Cable: Say it again.
Deadpool: You did it for me.
Deadpool: [to Vanessa after traveling back in time to save her] We're definitely naming our kid Cher!
[after Shatterstar is killed by landing on the spinning propellers on a helicopter]
Deadpool: Well, I guess we found something you're not better at.
[Deadpool travels back to the moment before Peter is killed]
Peter: Whoo! X-Force!
Deadpool: Walk away! Just walk away!
Peter: But we're X-Force!
Deadpool: Nope! We're not. X-Force is just a marketing tool designed by Fox executives to keep Josh Brolin employed. It doesn't exist.
Peter: All right, well, this has been pretty scary! And I need to feed my cat!
Deadpool: Go home, Sugarbear. Go home.
Peter: Okay. Will you give Domino my email?
Deadpool: [Juggernaut comes out of a pile of rubble] Oh my God! Juggernaut! I thought that was you! I should've worn my white pants.
[Colossus charges at Juggernaut]
Deadpool: Go get 'em, tiger! Big CGI fight comin' up!
Wolverine: [Upon seeing the newly transformed Deadpool/Weapon XI] Wade, is that you?
[Wade does not respond]
Wolverine: I guess Stryker finally figured out how to shut you up
[unsheates his claws]
[Suddenly Deadpool/Weapon XI is shot in the head by someone who is then revealed to be the current, time-traveling Deadpool]
Deadpool: Hey! It's me! Don't scratch! Just tidying up the timeline.
[Deadpool shoots the old Deadpool several more times before walking away]
Deadpool: [to Wolverine] Love you.