Matthew Macfadyen credited as playing...
Mr. Paradox
- Mr. Paradox: Mr Wilson, you appear to have soiled yourself while unconscious.
- Wade Wilson: I wasn't unconscious.
- Mr. Paradox: I warned them that they would be completely obliterated if they went. But they went anyway, like... like heroes. Because that's who they were. They just did what they had to do, with no concern for their own safety. The fact that we are all still standing here is a testament to their heroism! Anyway, there's nothing you or I can do to bring them back now.
- Deadpool: He has risen baby girl!
- Mr. Paradox: FUCK!
- Mr. Paradox: I brought you here to offer you an opportunity -- the opportunity you sought years ago but for which you were not ready. We believe you're ready now. Ready for a chance to leave your timeline and join the greatest universe of all. I am about to give you the thing you always wanted.
- Wade Wilson: Oh, I smell what you're stepping in. The power in the Marvel Universe is about to change forever. I am the Messiah. I am Marvel Jesus.
- Deadpool: One anchor being coming right up! On your left, baby girl! This Logan has the same he-can-do-anything-even-musicals look. And bonus, he's actually wearing a costume like he's not embarrassed to be in a superhero movie for once.
- Mr. Paradox: I don't understand.
- Deadpool: You said my universe is dying because this sack of nuts got himself killed. Well, problem solved.
- Mr. Paradox: My God. You actually think you can replace an anchor being? With this? I wouldn't have accepted any other Wolverine, BT-dubs, but you have outdone yourself and brought me the *worst* Wolverine!
- Deadpool: What do you mean, the worst one?
- Mr. Paradox: Mr. Wilson, this Wolverine let down his entire world. He's the stuff of legend, but not in a good way. And what he did... well, some things are just beyond forgiveness.
- Deadpool: [door raises to reveal Wade in his new suit while he strikes a backwards pose then turns around] Fucking A! Uh! It's perfect! FYI, your tailor is a predator, but I love it! Snug, no camel toe, new car smell, and adamantium katanas? You shouldn't have. Go ahead, take it in. And yes, your underwear is getting tighter.
- [pointing to a random TVA tech]
- Deadpool: That guy knows what I'm talking about. His clothes say middle management, but his eyes say "fucky fucky".
- Mr. Paradox: Yes, you look very nice.
- Deadpool: Nice? Your buddy here is ready to throw it all away for me.
- [the tech hurries to pick up his desk phone]
- Deadpool: You calling your wife?
- TVA Tech: HR.
- Deadpool: Does your wife work in HR?
- Mr. Paradox: I have been tasked with overseeing the end of your universe and, regardless of what the pencil-pushers upstairs would prefer, I will not waste my life watching it die slowly of natural causes. We used to just prune these things: simple, elegant, efficient. But I'm told the TVA doesn't like to do that anymore. Well, I do. And no matter what my so-called superiors say, the multiverse does not need a babysitter. We need a mercy killer. And in this instance, I am the mercy killer!
- Wade Wilson: Is that me? Is that Thor? Is he crying?
- Mr. Paradox: Uh, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Uh, that happens in the distant future.
- Wade Wilson: [to a paper-pusher] Why is Thor crying? Quick! Tell me.
- Mr. Paradox: Do not speak to her. Stop that. Eyes on me.
- Wade Wilson: You're gonna "Old Yeller" my fucking universe?
- Mr. Paradox: Mmm... in your parlance, yes. Two in the heart, one in the head. Look, Mr. Wilson, you have two choices. You can either rejoin your loved ones and collectively cease to exist in, I'd say, 72 hours. Or... you join the Sacred Timeline. And you end your days of insignificance and mediocrity. Wade. Wade, you can finally, finally matter.
- Wade Wilson: [glancing at a clip of the Avengers in action] That's all I've ever really wanted.
- Mr. Paradox: I know. I know.
- Wade Wilson: And you know I'm... I'm nothing if not morally flexible. Yep, yep.
- [putting his mask on]
- Wade Wilson: I'll do it.
- Mr. Paradox: Wise choice. The Sacred Timeline's happy to have you.
- Wade Wilson: I was talking about finding the Wolverine and breaking your fucking nose.
- Deadpool: I wanna talk to your boss. I want you to get him on the phone and you tell him, her, or them that Marvel H. Christ isn't playing.
- [noticing everybody's reaction]
- Deadpool: Holy shit. I just heard a symphony of buttholes clenching all at once. You're off-grid. Your bosses don't know what you sick fucks are doing down here. Well, I'll tell you what. I have a black belt in Karen, and I'm gonna go upstairs and I'm gonna tell 'em all about you and your...
- Mr. Paradox: [zapping him with a pruning wand] Oh, silence is nice, isn't it?
- Logan: Where the fuck did he go?
- Mr. Paradox: To the trash heap. You'll fit right in.
- [as Logan charges, Paradox zaps him, too]
- Mr. Paradox: Whew. That was close.
- Pyro: Alioth didn't get them. Cassandra wanted to play with them herself first. They got away.
- Mr. Paradox: Did they find the others?
- Pyro: No.
- Mr. Paradox: Good. All right. Phew.
- Pyro: The others found them.
- Mr. Paradox: Oh, very cute. Well done, Pyro. Classic bait and switch. You really got me there.
- Pyro: Relax. If they come after Nova, she'll handle it.
- Mr. Paradox: Cassandra is a lunatic wild card. Why do you think we put her there in the first place? Thank God she's never chosen to leave the Void. The Time Ripper is hours away from completion. I cannot take any chances.
- Pyro: Well, maybe not. But I can. For a price.
- Mr. Paradox: Why do you have to say it in that silly voice? It's so icky.
- Pyro: You want it done or not?
- Mr. Paradox: All right. Your price. Take her out.
- [hanging up]
- Mr. Paradox: Ugh. Mutants.
- Mr. Paradox: I don't understand. How are you two still alive?
- Deadpool: You were right. One of us would have been killed. But you put a Deadpool and a Wolverine together, make 'em hold hands while listening to Madonna? Indestructible, motherfucker.
- Mr. Paradox: I brought you here, Mr. Wilson, to tell you that you're special. In fact, you've been chosen for a higher purpose, a purpose unclear even to me. But one that could save the entire Sacred Timeline from a possibly grisly fate sometime in the future, which may very well need to be... avenged.
- Wade Wilson: This Sacred Timeline, I... I assume I'm going to... "marvel" at how... cinematic it feels? Gratuitous cameos, indiscriminate use of Variants, the whole package?
- Mr. Paradox: Well, you tell me.
- Wade Wilson: [seeing various clips of Steve Rogers] Cap!
- Deadpool: Let's fire up your little Amazon Fire phone there and zip me back home so I can let my friends know that they've been upgraded to disciples.
- Mr. Paradox: Yeah. I don't think you... quite understand. Um, you will not be returning to your home, because there will be no home to return to.
- Deadpool: Come again? This time in my ears.
- Mr. Paradox: [showing him a monitor] This is your universe, Mr. Wilson. That is what happens when a universe loses their anchor being. See how it decays from the inside? This is how a reality dies.
- Deadpool: What's an anchor being?
- Mr. Paradox: An anchor being is an entity of such vital importance that when they die, their whole world slowly withers out of existence.
- Deadpool: You've just won the lottery because I didn't die. It was just a little midlife crisis. I'm better now.
- Mr. Paradox: [laughing] Oh, no, no, no. Oh, my God.
- Deadpool: Oh, I love to laugh.
- Mr. Paradox: Can you imagine if you were the anchor being? No, it isn't you, Mr. Wilson. Your anchor being died in an act of self-sacrifice so epic that it sent shivers down the timeline. I am referring, of course, to... Logan. The Wolverine.
- Deadpool: Logan. Of course. Logan.
- [groaning, then yelling]
- Deadpool: LOGAN? The guy with forks for hands? That Wolverine?
- Deadpool: Quick, let's up the stakes.
- Mr. Paradox: If she steals the Time Ripper's energy, she has the power to shred the fabric of all realities until there is nothing left but the Void.
- Wolverine: How do we shut it down?
- Mr. Paradox: I don't know.
- [shoving him to the tabletop, Logan points his claws at Paradox's throat]
- Wolverine: How about now?
- Deadpool: The mask is really intimidating, huh? It's like Batman, except he can move his neck.
- Mr. Paradox: The Ripper is fed from a secure chamber below ground. It is powered by twin matter and anti-matter feeds converging inside the device. Now, Cassandra Nova is redirecting the Ripper's power to eliminate all timelines, starting with this one. Theoretically, you could stop her by short-circuiting the feeds in the chamber below. One of you were to create a circuit between the two feeds, then the released power would destroy the machine. But, well... But...
- Deadpool: Come on, man. If you're not gonna swallow, spit it out.
- Mr. Paradox: Whoever formed the bridge would be annihilated.
- Wolverine: I could live with that.
- Deadpool: Yeah, I could live with that, too, actually. You know, we survive anything. We're like cockroaches.
- Mr. Paradox: Not this time. This is matter and anti-matter. They do not play nicely with each other. When they mix in your body, you will be atomized. Trust the laws of physics if you don't trust me. Even if you lived long enough to make the circuit, you will die down there.
- Mr. Paradox: Piss off! You're too late.
- Logan: You're fuckin' done.
- Deadpool: Why was Thor crying?
- Mr. Paradox: How dare you! No one comes back from the Void.
- Logan: Tell that to Cassandra Nova.
- Pyro: [emerging from a portal] Paradox. We have a problem.
- Cassandra Nova: [breaking Pyro's neck] Paradox. Well, you are doughier than you looked in Pyro's head. You tried to kill me.
- Mr. Paradox: I literally have no i...
- Cassandra Nova: [sticking her hand through Paradox's head] You come for the king, you'd better kill the king.
- Wade Wilson: Who are you?
- Mr. Paradox: I go by the name of Paradox. Mr. Paradox. And you're sitting here at the TVA - the Time Variance Authority. We're really a watchdog organization, except we're more lighthearted than that sounds, with a sort of throwback, ironic twist. And we're in charge of defending what's known as the Sacred Timeline.
- Wade Wilson: Holy fuck. That is a shit-ton of exposition for a threequel. Is this because I used Cable's time machine? Brought a couple of people back to life, then I destroyed it. That was a long time ago.
- Mr. Paradox: Yes, we're aware of your abuse of your timeline.
- [chuckling in quasi-appreciation]
- Mr. Paradox: And you were so abusive of it. Uh, and no, it has nothing to do with that.
- Deadpool: What in the MacGuffin is that?
- Mr. Paradox: That's a Time Ripper, Mr. Wilson. An accelerant. Once completed, it will allow me to destroy the space-time matrix of your universe. You see, I don't want to work for the TVA. I want to *be* the TVA. And the first step involves showing this organization how much more efficient it can become. To wit, I will be giving your universe a swift and compassionate end. And don't worry, your friends won't feel a thing. It'll be over just like this: "Oh, what's that?"
- [short death rattle]
- Mr. Paradox: I gave you a chance at greatness. Because my superiors deemed you "special". Clearly not special in a good way. Apparently you have some important future purpose to serve.
- Deadpool: With Thor. He holds me.
- Mr. Paradox: But I did my duty. I gave you the opportunity to be somebody. And instead of accepting my offering with humility and gratitude, you broke my nose.
- Deadpool: It looks great.
- Mr. Paradox: And you decimated dozens of my men with the exhumed corpse of a hero, dishonoring not only his remains but his memory.
- Deadpool: What are you, the Internet?
- Mr. Paradox: Your world is dying!
- [taking the sandwich a subordinate brings him]
- Mr. Paradox: Thank you very much. And there's no stopping it.
- [taking a bite, he talks with his mouth full]
- Mr. Paradox: The humane thing to do is to make it quick.
- Deadpool: Is the thought of vaporizing my universe making you peckish?
- Mr. Paradox: I'm eating my feelings.