Duke of Oxford: Reputation is what people think of you. Character is what you are.

Duke of Oxford: Real power is not found running off to war. Real power lies in understanding who it is you're truly fighting, and how they can be defeated.

Rasputin: I only make decisions when my stomach is full or my balls are empty.

Duke of Oxford: Well, thank God dinner is being served.

The Shepherd: Let's end this as gentlemen! After all, manners maketh man.

Duke of Oxford: Throughout time, our people robbed, lied, and killed. Until one day, we found ourselves... noble men. But that nobility never came from chivalry. It came from being tough and ruthless.

Rasputin: Are you waiters or Englishmen? Whatever you are, get me a fucking drink.

Duke of Oxford: Are you a monk or a ballet dancer? I see you've mastered the Beryozka glide. Why don't you glide over there and get me a fucking drink?

[At Kingsman Tailors]

Duke of Oxford: All of us here today are united, sadly, in losing our sons and friends in this terrible war. What happened to this generation of young men must never happen again. I believe the terms of Versailles are too onerous, too extreme, and could precipitate another war. What the world needs is an organisation that can channel its resources towards preserving peace and protecting life. An independent intelligence agency operating at the highest level of discretion, above the politics and bureaucracy of government-run spy organisations. To that end, I have acquired this shop. And I propose that we become the founding members of... the Kingsman agency. My code name will be 'Arthur'. And if you agree to join me, you may turn over your place card, where you will find your own code name.

[Polly turns over her card]

Polly: I am 'Galahad'.

Archie Reid: I am 'Lancelot'.

United States Ambassador: I am... 'Bedivere'.

King George: I am 'Percival'.

Duke of Oxford: Excellent.

[Shola enters the room]

Duke of Oxford: And this is 'Merlin', who will be our quartermaster.

[the agents prepare a toast]

Duke of Oxford: May our sons and friends rest in peace. And long live... the Kingsman.

PollySholaKing GeorgeArchie ReidUnited States Ambassador: The Kingsman.

The Shepherd: My flock, this will not be the war of heroes. Nations will slaughter each other, while we get rich. This is going to be fun.

Duke of Oxford: I know you want to fight, but there are other ways of doing your duty.

Morton: FUCK THIS GENTLEMAN SHITE! I'm gonna enjoy killing you!

Duke of Oxford: We are the first independent intelligence agency. Refined but brutal, civilized but merciless.

Polly: Why is it that boys are always so messy?

Conrad: You can't keep me locked away as the world burns.

Duke of Oxford: Son, the truth is, the world is ruled by corruption and greed.

Conrad: We must do something.

Duke of Oxford: Certainly.

Polly: Shola, stop fucking about! Get on the counterweight!

[Rasputin poisons Alexei and brings him to Nicholas and Alexandra]

Rasputin: I have a vision. This boy is the symbol of the soul of Russia. You must save Russia. You must pull out of the war to save your son's life.

Tsar Nicholas: This is nonsense.

Rasputin: You dare to question the vessel of the Lord? You dare to risk your son's life?

Tsarina Alix: Nicholas, come to your senses now!

[Alexandra kneels and grabs Nicolas' hand]

Tsarina Alix: Please. Please.

[Nicholas kneels in front of Rasputin, who places Alexei on the floor and chants a spell to cure him]

Rasputin: Welcome back.

[after the Allied Powers win World War I]

King George: This victory is all down to you, and your fine son Conrad.

Duke of Oxford: And the courage of so many others, sir.

King George: Of course. Britain thanks you. And I thank you for ensuring that I didn't meet the same fate as my cousins. Wilhelm's abdication was understandable, but what happened to Nicholas... was despicable.

Duke of Oxford: It was, sir.

King George: I owe you a great personal debt that I still have my crown.

Duke of Oxford: In that case, would you meet me tomorrow at Kingsman, 3:00?

King George: A tailor shop?

Duke of Oxford: Yes, sir. Number 11, Savile Row.

Erik Jan Hanussen: Now it's time to address the balance of my new flock. Thanks to you, comrade, our left hand is strong. But as you once said, our right hand now needs strengthening.

[loud banging on door]

Erik Jan Hanussen: Come in.

[a moustached man enters the room]

Erik Jan Hanussen: Don't be shy. Come, come.

[the man approaches Hanussen and Lenin]

Moustached Man: My Shepherd.

Erik Jan Hanussen: This young man will come to rival your position in this world, my friend.

[the moustached man offers Lenin a handshake]

Moustached Man: It is an honor, Comrade Lenin.

[Lenin shakes his hand]

Vladimir Lenin: And your name?

Moustached Man: Adolf Hitler.

The Shepherd: It's time to pour fuel on the fire of revolution!

Rasputin: Yes, my shepherd.

Lieutenant: You five, one step forward. March! Five more brave volunteers, Sir.

The Shepherd: I want you to pick up where Rasputin failed. I don't care about your ideology or your politics. Just start your fucking revolution and get Russia out of my war, Comrade Lenin!

The Shepherd: I like a man who will admit to his mistakes. But I like more a woman who can fix those mistakes.

Conrad: What is it that you Russians do that an Englishman can enjoy?

Rasputin: Well, everything. Food, music, ballet, tobacco, art. But most of all... we like to fuck like tigers.

[growls at Conrad]

Rasputin: If I didn't know better, I would think your son was trying to fuck me.

Duke of Oxford: Or maybe you were trying to fuck him. Your reputation precedes you.

Rasputin: Well, if you know so much about my reputation, why don't you put your leg in my lap?

[at the dinner hall]

Duke of Oxford: ...Here?

Rasputin: Not here! Somewhere private, of course!

Rasputin: [about to kill Orlando's son] I fixed your leg... which is more than I can say for your son's neck!

[Rasputin starts devouring the entire half of the tart. Then he points his fingers towards Oxfords and starts a deep hum, slowly hypnotizing him before licking and massaging the area around the scar]

Rasputin: Relax. Let the blood flow. Let me lick your wounds.

Duke of Oxford: Yes.

Rasputin: Trust me. Trust me.

Duke of Oxford: Oh, God. I can see it.

Rasputin: Don't worry, I will help you, and you will help me. Why do you want to see the tsar?

Duke of Oxford: [mumbling] The tsar needs to stay in the war.

Rasputin: What makes you think he won't?

Duke of Oxford: I'm told he's being influenced.

Rasputin: Good! Now we are getting somewhere. So, if you really want your leg fixed, tell me the truth! Why are you here?

Duke of Oxford: I'm here...

Rasputin: Because?

Duke of Oxford: Because...

Rasputin: Because?

Duke of Oxford: Because...

Rasputin: Because?

Duke of Oxford: Because I'm going to kill...

[Rasputin suddenly vomits]

Rasputin: I apologize. Your cake...

[gets up]

Rasputin: did not agree with me.

[the Duke of Oxford and Rasputin enter the summer room]

Duke of Oxford: Here we are.

[Rasputin closes the doors. He notices a Bakewell tart on the table]

Rasputin: You are expecting someone?

Duke of Oxford: Yes, our nanny is a wonderful cook, so she's made this cake as a gift for our host, the prince.

Rasputin: Please... take your trousers off and sit down.

Duke of Oxford: Certainly.

Rasputin: I will make the room warm for you.

[Rasputin adds fire to the fireplace while Oxford removes his trousers. Outside, Conrad and Shola quietly approach the room outside]

Rasputin: In the summer, I come here with my young friends. We swim naked in the bathing pond, then come inside and fuck in front of the fire.

Duke of Oxford: Naturally. Ah, there we are. Trousers off.

[Oxford sits down, then Rasputin grabs his left leg and place it on his lap]

Duke of Oxford: Steady.

Rasputin: Blood is life. Its flow is healing. And I can teach it where to flow.

[Rasputin looks at the gunshot scar on Oxford's thigh]

Rasputin: Hmm... your wound was fixed superficially and with very poor needlework.

Duke of Oxford: Hmm.

[Rasputin looks at the tart]

Rasputin: This cake is good, no?

Duke of Oxford: Yes, it's Bakewell tart. It's my favorite. We can eat it together when I put my trousers back on.

Rasputin: No. Well, to do this properly, I will need energy.

[Rasputin grabs half of the tart and sniffs it before taking a bite]

Rasputin: It's very good.

Duke of Oxford: Hmm.

Rasputin: Very English.

Duke of Oxford: Yes, it's very English.

Polly: Looking better, your Grace.

Duke of Oxford: Feeling better Polly

Rasputin: Time to dance, on your graves!

The Shepherd: Not even I... could have imagined a war like this. What I thought would take a decade for us to achieve has taken two short years. We have drained Europe's resources, and millions have died pointlessly. We have broken the trust between the people and inbred monarchs who only rule due to their fortunate birth. Do you know who hates King George more than the Kaiser?


The Shepherd: Me. The English monarchy has oppressed my beloved Scotland for over 700 years and it is time for retribution. We will pull Russia out of our war and unleash the full might of Germany to destroy England. Rasputin, are you ready to begin the demise of King George?

Rasputin: Thy will be done, my Shepherd.

Conrad: I'm sorry if I offended you.

Rasputin: Only if you consider being boring offensive.