20 July 2017 | lor_
Never mind the quality, measure the length
In my IMDb summary above I couldn't resist tossing out a Britishism title, recalling dumb Brit comedies of the '60s and '70s, of the ilk of "Never Mind the Quality, Feel the Width" (yes, a real film, which unfortunately I never got to see).
What we have is well over three hours devoted to the rather limited porn fetish of simultaneous anal and vaginal sex deployed on some British sex worker, not recommended for trying at home but part of the standard tool kit of what used to be called "Adult actresses" (now they're merely termed "models"). Bluebird Films' house director Max Cool, who may or may not be the late label's boss Paul Chaplin in disguise, fails even at this simple task, including one of six lengthy vignettes that has no d.p. footage.
It's Chloe Conrad, a tall drink of water on the Brit Porn Central Casting roster, who dreams of getting a d.p. but instead ends up with one in the mouth, one in the groin region. I guess Mr. Cool assumed for the moment that filling two orifices of any sort or location would suffice, but I'm a stickler for Urban Dictionary definitions to be scrupulously adhered to.
The other five better-known gals all get regular d.p.'s, usually from several different positions. Even taller Angel Long is the most adept, while I found big-breasted Mai Bailey the most alluring.
So it's mechanical sex time, run into the ground, and that ain't cool, Max. The sweat equity earned by the energetic gal makes it all worthwhile, at least for those of us temporarily brain-dead and willing to watch gonzo porn. Don't worry - I immediately returned to Adult Cinema after this rather torturous exercise, anxious for characterization and a modicum of drama to leaven the old in & out action.