15 March 2018 | lor_
Laugh track ruins this porn-parody
The varying accents betray the British origins of this porn-parody of a strictly American TV sit-com, made by Dick Bush and his London team for Digital Playground. Whether his crew or the post-production whizzes back in North America are guilty, the added laugh-track is horrible.
Michael Vegas at his most affected stars as the rude uncle who tells the tale in flashbacks to his young niece and nephew, both warring with their "all-American" voices. Thankfully neither of the kids gets involved in the sex action, though I half-expected the precociously busty daughter to get it on.
Jessy Jones is severely miscast as their father, looking his usual kid-for-MILF scenes self in both the flashbacks and the supposedly older guy present day footage. Mom is well-played by Cassidy Klein, who reunited with this feature's producer Danny D (who cameos a couple of times in NonSex roles) memorably in a horse-stable vignette titled "Backdoor Bareback", shown on the DVD packaging for DP's botched "Filthy F*ckers 3" but mistakenly issued inside "Bad Behavior" instead by the sloppy distributor.
"How I F*cked..." is not without its own sloppiness, as it gives prominent billing to Gia Paige, yet her sex scene (a threesome with Jones and Klein) is wholly omitted, leaving Gia with a few seconds of NonSex cameo appearance. DVD with 5 sex vignettes runs two hours and 45 minutes without Gia's contribution, which would have likely swelled the r.t. to over 3 hours 20.
That pernicious laugh track is nearly constant during the dialog-heavy set-up scenes, very poorly written by DP's house scribe of late, "Ginny Rex". Incest or more properly crypto-incest is the predictable main theme, trotted out in various concatenations to nil effect. For example, Vegas is seduced by his brother Jessy's irresistible MILF of a mom Reagan Foxx and the issue of their relationship is made ambiguous and merely confusing, meant to be humorous but alas, like everything else falling flat. The exact parentage of Vegas' and Jones' characters is deliberately vague.
True stars of the piece are Klein and Euro porn star Angel Wicky, cast as the uber-breasty stripper girlfriend of Vegas named Quinn. She's delightful, even though the slapstick and tired "don't get caught in the act" slapstick routines are beyond the skills of this cast and director Bush. He casts several of his UK troupe in supporting roles, notably the great redhead Ella Hughes (only one here who handles an American accent with aplomb and Scots stud Ryan Ryder, plus a fleeting cameo by picture's assistant producer Sophia Knight. Rounding out the cast is buxom Ashley Adams who somehow avoids that cutting room floor fate that befell poor Gia.
Finale has the great man Dick (don't call me Rick) Bush popping up in a clumsy scene with old age Vegas (didn't bother to do any makeup effect on him however) revealed as the son of Vegas and Klein, to which our auteur turned actor remarks:
"This story sucks - I hate your ending. I want a rewrite." This heartfelt and all too true exclamation should have been rendered to Ginny Rex and the DP brass, not spoken toward us hapless members of the audience.