Happiest Season (2020)
Dan Levy: John
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Quotes
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John : Hey, Harper not coming out to her parents has nothing to do with you.
Abby : How could it not?
John : Remind me, what did your parents say when you told them you were gay?
Abby : Um, that they loved and supported me.
John : That's amazing! My dad kicked me out of the house and didn't talk to me for 13 years after I told him. Everybody's story is different. There's your version and my version, and everything in between. But the one thing all of those stories have in common is that moment right before you say those words. When your heart is racing and you don't know what's coming next. That moment's really terrifying! And once you say those words, you can't un-say them. A chapter has ended, and a new one's begun. You have to be ready for that. You can't do it for anyone else.
[pauses]
John : Just because Harper isn't ready doesn't mean she never will be, and it doesn't mean she doesn't love you.
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Abby : [answers phone] Hello?
John : Did you know you're standing in a country club that didn't let women have their own memberships until the early 2000s?
Abby : How do you know that?
John : Uh, I might be tracking you, but it's for your own safety. Clearly!
Abby : What do you want?
John : I want you to break out of that closet!
Abby : I am not in the closet! I told you Harper's going to tell her parents everything right after the holidays.
John : You deserve to be with someone who shouts their love for you from the rooftops!
Abby : That's very sweet.
John : So stop being a doormat, you fool.
Abby : Did you need something? Or did you just call to shame me?
John : I'm not shaming you. I just think that the choice you're making is dumb and you should feel bad about it, and yourself. Also, I am loving these fish! If I wanted to buy the exact same one for myself, where do you think I would do that?
Abby : What?
John : You know what, I think I should Google it. I'm gonna Google it, thanks.
[hangs up]
Riley : Hey
Abby : Oh, hey.
Riley : How's it going? I'm just taking a break from diagnosing everyone's mystery illnesses. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop or anything, I was already out there before you came out. You didn't see me. But, um, I can relate.
Abby : To what?
Riley : [pauses] Nothing.
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John : Have you managed to get a man's permission to take ownership of an adult, human woman yet?
Abby : Not exactly.
John : What's going on? You sound tense.
Abby : I'm not tense! I'm great. There's just one tiny thing. Um, Harper isn't out and her parents don't know we're together.
John : Okay, you know what? I always felt like something was off. You can't go over a year without meeting your significant other's parents. Trust me, I have tried!
Abby : I know, but it's not that big of a deal because she does plan on telling them immediately after the holidays.
John : So, what, her parents are believing their straight daughter brought home her lesbian friend for Christmas?
Abby : No! No, they also think that I'm straight.
John : Have they ever met a lesbian?
Abby : It's not so bad! It's kind of fun having a secret.
John : Yeah, I mean, there's nothing more erotic than concealing your authentic selves!
Abby : I know it's not ideal, but I know it's what she needs right now.
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Abby : How are you here?
John : When are you going to get this? I have been tracking you.
Tipper : Hello?
John : Hi!
Tipper : I'm Tipper, this is my home. Are you the ex-boyfriend?
John : Yes, I am John. Abby's heterosexual ex-boyfriend and I have come to get her back.
Tipper : I see. Well, it would have been nice to have known you were coming, but since you are here... enjoy!
John : Thank you so much!
[Tipper exits]
John : Okay, I nailed that and she is fabulous.
Abby : What are you doing?
John : That phone call earlier was a cry for help. I'm here to rescue you. Please get your things.
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Abby : My parents loved Christmas. We would do all the stuff. We would decorate and do the tree and watch, like, every Christmas movie. After they died, I couldn't really bring myself to acknowledge Christmas.
John : Hmm.
Abby : The holidays were just a huge reminder of them not being here. So I really thought maybe this year with Harper and meeting her family, you know, that it would just feel different. I don't think that she loves me as much as I thought she did.
John : Hey, Harper not coming out to her parents has nothing to do with you.
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John : Abby, you and Harper have a perfect relationship! Why do you want to ruin that by engaging in one of the most archaic institutions in the history of the human race?
Abby : Because I want to marry her.
John : Okay, you say that, but what you're actually doing is tricking the woman you claim to love by trapping her into a box of hetero-normativity and trying to make her your property. She is not a rice cooker, or a cake plate! She's a human being.
Abby : It's not about owning her! It's about building a life with her. She is my person and I really want everyone to know that.
John : I suppose that's one way of looking at it. So when are you going to ask her?
Abby : I was thinking of doing it on New Years, but now that I'm going home with her...
[pauses]
Abby : I understand that this is really old-fashioned, but I want to ask her dad for his blessing and propose on Christmas morning.
John : I'm sorry, ask her dad for his blessing? Way to stick it to the patriarchy! Really well done.
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John : Okay, so I might have been a little judgmental when we last spoke. You are in an unusual situation, and as your friend I should have created a safe space for you to share without the threat of criticism. So, I'm sorry. I am here, no judgement. What is going on?
Abby : Well, let's see, I was arrested by mall security yesterday and how Harper's entire family thinks I'm a criminal. And after spending her entire night until 2:00 in the morning with her ex-boyfriend Connor, she's acting like someone I barely even recognize. I want to just get out of here, but it would cost me like $1000 to get a ride and this is why I avoid Christmas! It brings out the worst in everything! I know this isn't about me, I just feel crazy. Do I stick it out for two days? It's not that long. But I don't know. What would you do?
John : Uhh... um... I don't know, I'm gonna have to give this a think. I think.
