17 June 2018 | RoboGarrett
Monotonous and Boring
This is a boring, droning, monotonous, masturbatory effort by Drake. He gets together a bunch of his old DeGrassi cast mates (most people will say who are these people? And where is that? And what is a DeGrassi?). For some reason he wakes up in the middle of the Air Canada gym... I guess the Raptors don't mind since they aren't using it since the playoffs are happening right now and that's when they annually get swept by LeBron James and go golfing. Anyway there's some lady next to him in the bed and after some bad wake-up-and-get-my-arm-free acting he gives us a sly look as he walks away as if to say "oh yeaaahhh I just had SEX!"
Anyway if that's not super impressive enough, he then goes to the suit store where he buys a new suit while drinking whiskey and striking gangster-like poses and saying "I'm upset!" as if he is some sort of grown up toddler whose mommy took away his favorite ba-ba as opposed to a grown man with millions of dollars and a really cool lint roller he breaks out at special Raptors games (certainly earning him millions of street cred points!)
Then some old white guy shows up in a tux shows up (I think the pork pie hat kid from DeGrassi who went on to also play Pilot #2 in the Matthew Broderick version of that Godzilla bomb, which is exactly one movie role more than everyone else in this video went on to play)... Drake is happy to see him (awesome smile acting) and it's off to their high school reunion!
They drive there in a super wicked awesome expensive sports car (an understated neon yellow) that for sure is not a promotional thing, on a highway that is inexplicably empty at 9pm in downtown Toronto, right by the CN Tower because Drake is all about representing the 416, dogs. However judging by what he is rapping (or just saying really), he is still "upset".
Side note, of course he's upset! According to the lyrics people don't pay him enough respect (so much so that he several times is forced to double-check!). Also he shouldn't have to actually be there for his porn star mistress and their baby because he's got at least seven years left of doing what he wants, and worst of all, his dad is STILL paying child support from 1991! Why exactly his dad is still paying child support for someone who is now at least 27 years old is beyond me, but that's what makes it so unfair and why Drake is so "upset".
Anyway, then they're at a crappy high school where there's lots of cracks in the floor and cheap dance lighting. It's clearly a huge graduating class since at least 20 people are attending, mostly sitting on the bleachers with about 6 dudes dancing/fighting at any given time.
Jay and Silent Bob are there too, for a super hilarious scene where they sell the principal of the school marijuana! It's so funny because usually the principal is supposed to be the one saying marijuana is bad! But not this principal! He wants marijuana! Ha! Anyway I'm pretty sure this principal must be the guy who plays the principal in DeGrassi? I'm not sure because like most of the world I've never seen that show, but it felt like it must be and I guess that's kind of... neat?
So the reunion gets WAY out of hand. Two people get caught kissing - yes KISSING - in the bathroom. A silhouette says maybe actual sexy stuff happens at one point too. The dancing old people who used to be on TV spray paint some lockers and laugh. A guy jumps off a balcony for some reason but is fine. A nerd runs down the hall and gets chased by the old people because I guess nerds suck.
And Drake spends the entire reunion sitting on the bleachers surrounded by these other people, watching six men dance and repeating "I'm upset."
Then there's a fire for... I don't know, reasons... and they all leave as the fire department (twoold guys) comes in and maybe does some stuff we don't actually see. A naked guy leaves (cuz hey this was for sure a super crazy party!) while Jason Mewes fails at rapping even more than Drake does (probably because Mewes is thinking about where he's gonna score his next heroin fix), and that old white guy in the tux I mentioned pukes at least three times (cuz again, this party was off the hook cray-cray!)
Drake leaves, still equally upset. End of reunion. I guess he's heading back to the ACC to sleep at half-court while the guy controlling the lights and scoreboard just watches, waiting for Drake to wake up again.
Anyway, the video is awful and way too inside, the lyrics Drake spits are super dumb, and the music is monotonous and boring as hell. I give it 2/10, which is 2 higher than Hotline Bling (and Drake's infamous goof-dance) deserved.