Kevin from the Other Dimension: One ordinary day in May, three magical Goddesses of Fate wound up on the doorstep of a loveable college student named Keiichi Morisato. They had joy and laughter and many adventures together. And everyone was happy. Soon after their college days had ended, the Goddesses were approached by an artist to franchise their lives for a manga, a movie, and an anime tv series. The Goddesses became an Anime Pop Culture Phenomenon and survived off the residuals and anime conventions while the college student worked in the automotive industry. But dark days laid ahead for the TV series. Just two seasons in, the animation staff was booked out from under them for the Evangelion series. And in 2014, the manga in Kodansha Afternoon Magazine was officially cancelled. Kosuke Fujishima, drunk with power, had run off and married a 20 year old cosplayer, rarely to be seen again. Shortly afterwards, Keiichi was laid off, and the Goddesses fell into financial ruin. Broke and destitute, the Goddesses were reduced to selling themselves on the streets for cold, hard cash...
Titles: NEKOMI, JAPAN: THE YEAR 2016
Customer: I've come here looking for a special girl. Can you satisfy me? Do you have what it takes to make my day?
Belldandy: Why yes, sir. I think I have a pretty good idea of what you want.
Customer: Good... because I need it oh so badly.
Urd: Not so fast, sir. First we need to see the money. Then you can inspect the merchandise.
Customer: Of course. I wouldn't want you to think I was backing out.
Urd: I assure you, sir, nobody backs out. This Belldandy is top quality. The best on the market. You will be satisfied in every way you can imagine.
Customer: Now, it's your turn. I must see her. All of her. My daughter is going to love this! She has a birthday coming up and she's a big fan of the show!
Belldandy: Why, thank you sir. Have a nice day!
Urd: Hey, I cosplay as myself everyday!
Customer: Coincidentally, if you ever want to make some extra money on the side...
Belldandy: Okay, Bye Bye Now! Tell your daughter I said Happy Birthday!
Customer: Oh, sure, sure... well, it was worth a shot.
Urd: Okay! Goodbye! Support local businesses! AND WATCH OUT FOR STREETWALKERS! THEY MAY BE UNDERCOVER COPS!
Customer #2: Do you have any Urd dolls in stock?
Urd: Do I?... Lifesized, Ribbed, AND Inflatable.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: The customer's wife nervously grabs him and pulls him away.
Belldandy: Urd, that isn't exactly what I had in mind when I said we should go into the toy industry.
Urd: Speak for yourself! Some company named Fleshlight is paying me a bundle!
Belldandy: Urd! You didn't!
Skuld: What's a Fleshlight?
Belldandy: Don't ever ask us that again!
Skuld: I could always google it.
Belldandy: OH GOD! PLEASE DON'T! URD! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?
Skuld: Google, google, google... HOLY SHIT! URD YOU SICK PERVERT!
Urd: Oy Vey! Hey, it's better than passing out handjobs at the massage parlor.
Belldandy: Didn't they fire you for that?
Urd: It was an honest mistake. I thought that was what he came for...
Belldandy: His wife and daughter were waiting for him in the lobby.
Urd: Bloody Hypocrite didn't even tip me!
Skuld: Could you stop arguing please? I'm trying to play Pokemon Go here, and you two are distracting me! Wait a second, I got one.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: Skuld starts walking around with her iphone.
Urd: Why did we have to buy her that phone?
Belldandy: Well, everybody needs a hobby...
Urd: She already had a hobby. She used to make killer robots and homemade explosives. Now she just walks around obsessed with that phone looking for imaginary creatures just like all the other idiots. She's even painted Banpei up like a Pokeball.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: They turn their heads to the left to see Banpei in a corner, sure enough painted like a Pokeball.
Skuld: Look! There it is! It's getting away!
Kevin from the Other Dimension: Skuld turns around and jumps up on the table, knocking shit off.
Belldandy: Oh Dear!
Skuld: I've Got It! I've Got It!
Kevin from the Other Dimension: Skuld turns around to see the mess that she's made. Urd and Belldandy are giving her the evil eye.
Skuld: Oh... my bad...
Urd: Must you unmake everything that we work on?
Skuld: It's kind of my job. Look it up in the Norse Mythology dictionary.
Belldandy: At least she stopped erasing our videogames.
Urd: She didn't just erase them. She deconstructed the environments one piece at a time. That's an incredible dedication to annoying people.
Skuld: "That's an incredible dedication to annoying people..." Nya nya Nya nya Nya nya Nya nya Nya nya... FUCK YOU URD!
Urd: You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Skuld: I haven't seen my mother since that trip to Niflheim!
Urd: Oh yeah? Well my mother LITERALLY runs Niflheim! And she's no mother at all! So get over it!
Skuld: Has anybody noticed that Hild kind of looks like Bollywood David Bowie from Labyrinth? With tits... respectively.
Urd: You remind me of the babe...
Skuld: What babe?
Belldandy: The babe with the power...
Urd: What power?
Skuld: The power of voodoo
Belldandy: Who do?
Urd: You do...
Skuld: Do what?
Belldandy: Remind me of the babe!
Kevin from the Other Dimension: Skuld sees Sentaro on the bus. He's all grown up and has a family. He look happy. Skuld turns to Mr Banpei.
Skuld: Mr Banpei. You my only friend. Well... you and the Pokemon. Oh look... there's another one!
Urd: SIT DOWN!
Kevin from the Other Dimension: Mr Banpei shakes his head and tries to facepalm himself, then starts banging his head on the side of the bus.
Megumi Morisato: What time does Belldandy get home?
Keiichi Morisato: She called and said the bus is running a little late... but soon.
Megumi Morisato: Keiichi... I need to talk to you about something.
Keiichi Morisato: Shoot.
Megumi Morisato: Over the years, I've noticed that Belldandy prepares all of your meals for you. Are you aware of a common sense witchcraft taboo, that you're not supposed to eat specially made food that an unfamiliar witch tries to give to you?
Keiichi Morisato: But why?
Megumi Morisato: Because you don't know what she's laced it with. They made a case of this recently in a movie called 'The Love Witch'.
Keiichi Morisato: What are you talking about? Belldandy's cooking is excellent. It always is.
Megumi Morisato: Okay, let's put this to the test. This... is a ham sandwich. Nothing special, just ham and bread.
Keiichi Morisato: Okay.
Megumi Morisato: And this... is a ham sandwich prepared by Belldandy.
Keiichi Morisato: Belldandy's is better.
Megumi Morisato: No, it isn't, Kay. It's the same sandwich.
Keiichi Morisato: She did something better.
Megumi Morisato: I lied. I made both sandwiches.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: Keiichi spits out the sandwich and looks sad.
Megumi Morisato: Oy Vey. How can somebody who doesn't usually get laid be as whipped as you are?
Keiichi Morisato: Eh he he... but if Belldandy did make the sandwich, it would be better, right?
Kevin from the Other Dimension: We hear the door slam.
Belldandy: Keiichi! We're home!
Megumi Morisato: Okay. Let's put this to the test. Oh Belldandy! Could you come in here please?
Belldandy: Yes, Megumi?
Megumi Morisato: Humor me for a moment. Make ma a ham sandwich. Just ham and bread.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: Belldandy makes the sandwich. Keiichi takes a bite.
Keiichi Morisato: Belldandy's is better.
Megumi Morisato: It's the same fucking sandwich, you moron!
Keiichi Morisato: I don't like your cooking. It tastes funny.
Megumi Morisato: ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHH!
Kevin from the Other Dimension: Megumi storms off.
Belldandy: Did I do something wrong?
Keiichi Morisato: Oh no, you do all the things right.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: Keiichi kisses her and strokes her on the cheek. We can see his wedding ring.
Skuld: Urd, how long does it take us to grow up?
Urd: Is something wrong?
Skuld: I saw Sentaro on the bus today. He didn't even notice me. He was all grown up. He had a Wife and Kids. And here I am, the same as I was when he was a child. How much longer do I have to stay this way?
Skuld: I want to go home. I don't want to stay here anymore. I don't want to watch everyone on earth outgrow me. When we were in Heaven, and we all aged the same, it was out of sight, out of mind, and everything was fine. But not this... no more of this... I can't take it anymore.
Urd: Oh sweetie. Belldandy and I have been there. Every Goddess has. Believe me, we know.
Skuld: There was a brief moment... where I felt I almost could've had a life with him... and I was robbed of that. Do we really have to stay here until Keiichi dies of old age?
Urd: You don't have to stay here permanently. You could go back to your old job and visit us.
Skuld: But I don't want to go back alone. I want US to go home. Can't we just take Keiichi with us?
Urd: Be careful what you wish for. Keiichi is still alive.
Keiichi Morisato: No more races.
Megumi Morisato: Am I hearing this right? Did THE Keiichi Morisato just swear off races.
Otaki: But we solve all of your life problems with racing! It's the Auto Club Way!
Keiichi Morisato: Yeah, so did Fujishima. But for very different reasons. Every time he wanted to stall for time, he'd put a race in the story to pad out the issues for over half a year. Instead of six months of original stories, we'd get six months of racing panels.
Megumi Morisato: Bullshit Artist.
Keiichi Morisato: No! No Bullshit! No More Races!
Otaki: But Kosuke Fujishima is in races!
Keiichi Morisato: HE'S DONE ENOUGH OF THEM! If he hadn't done so many of them perhaps the stories wouldn't have declined in the second half of the manga and we'd still have a series!
Megumi Morisato: That's not true! It was that Neverending Niflheim storyline that killed the series! That should've been a two hour movie, but nooo, you guys didn't listen to me... you had to have four dragged out years of neverending cliffhangers.
Keiichi Morisato: That story saved the series from being cancelled earlier. They had to give him a bonus to keep the series running. Our adventure gave him an ample amount of material to work with and it was our best story to date.
Megumi Morisato: It completely changed the tone of the series for four years. It went from being a sweet romantic slice of life comedy to an anime action film set in hell. And it wrapped up practically nothing except in the fact that You and Belldandy finally got married.
Otaki: It did hint an an alien invasion subtext.
Belldandy: Alien Invasion Subtext? I'm sorry... Otaki? Could you please explain the context of that?
Otaki: The Goddesses in the series were basically a race of Interdimensional Alien Women holding the earth under occupation so they could harvest it for human souls. And Yggdrasil was basically the Matrix, it controlled all of the environmental aspects of the planet. In order to survive, the Goddesses were dependent on energy distributed by Yggdrasil, and the best way to keep it recharged was from the energy of human souls. And to help convince mankind to give them those souls, they adopted aspects from several religions into their cultures, such as Norse Mythology, and the guise that they were Angels from Heaven, sent to grant people of good nature their wish come true. That scene where it was hinted at that the Goddesses were shape shifters simply posing in human form, was Fujishima trying to warn everybody that they may not be what they appeared to be, and the only reason that warning would make sense is if the alien invasion was real.
Belldandy: Um... I'm very sorry to interrupt... but... Otaki?
Otaki: Yes, Belldandy?
Belldandy: Please Shut the Fuck Up.
Otaki: Okay... moving on...
Megumi Morisato: Yes, moving on... the entire series was centered around a chaste relationship that was unnecessarily dragged out for over 25 years and over three hundred issues. It's like, the instant Fujishima solved the "Will They/Won't They" Sex Aspect of it, the series ended immediately, as if there was nowhere left to go with it. Unless they had children, then it would've turned into the Girl Meets World Sequel. What with their children taking center stage and all of the main characters playing backup and moral support. I mean... that's where everyone EXPECTED it to go... But honestly... as Oh My Goddess fans, is that really where we WANTED it to go? Perhaps ending the series right then and there, so we could reflect on it for ten years, was just the proper way to go about it. Think about it. All we've been doing is the same old shit over and over again. Perhaps it's time somebody started thinking outside the box so we can take this series in a new direction. Maybe we needed our happy little world completely destroyed so we could start anew.
Keiichi Morisato: Guys, I think it's time I came clean about something. Fujishima didn't actually solve the sex issue at the end of the series. Belldandy and I didn't really have sex in the Judgment Gate storyline. That was some sort of weird Being John Malkovich style illusion designed to trick Belldandy and me into cheating on each other. We were basically "Swinging" with the Lake Goddess and her Boyfriend.
Belldandy: What Keiichi is trying to say is... we never actually consummated the marriage. I mean, we just went so long without... that when we finally had the option... we just didn't give a fuck anymore.
Otaki: Are you fucking shitting me? You've been married since 1995! Who the fuck abstains like that?
Hasagawa: Even I don't have that much trouble getting laid! I mean, LOOK AT ME!
Megumi Morisato: Oh My God! What the hell is your problem? Your own wife is not going to bite you! Belldandy wouldn't hurt a fly, or even a mouse! Literally, when she gets bored, she shrinks herself down and talks to the house mice! We've all seen her do it!
Hasagawa: That's so weird!
Belldandy: You know, I've had enough of this. You people have meddled in our relationship for too long. I really don't see what all the fuss is about.
Keiichi Morisato: BELLDANDY! WAIT! I'M SORRY! COME BACK!
Urd: Alright, you little punk! I've been listening to this whole conversation and enough is enough! We're giving you an ultimatum. If you don't make up with my sister, and weasel your way into her panties by the end of the night, so help me God, I am going to light you up like a FUCKING FIREWORK ON THE FOURTH OF JULY! No more excuses! You've stretched your cowardice out long enough! AND WE'RE ALL SICK OF IT!
Keiichi Morisato: Skuld? A little help here?
Skuld: Dude, I just came to terms today that my life is meaningless... Normally, I'd threaten to stop you, but at this late day in the game, I really don't think you stand a chance. Look... what I'm trying to say is... Keiichi... Go Fuck Yourself... it's all you're good for nowadays.
Urd: What are you, impotent or something? Is that it? You can get it up for a whore on Redtube, but my sister is too innocent for you?
Megumi Morisato: You know what? I like where this is heading... We should just force him to do it, even if we have to drag him kicking and screaming to Belldandy's bed. Threaten him with bodily harm, and wait outside the door until it's over. I bet people would actually pay full price theater admission to see a stupid plot like that. COUNT ME IN!
Otaki: You can count us in, too.
Tamiya: Yeah, I'll beat the living fuck out of him if he backs out.
Keiichi Morisato: Oh My God! I can't believe I'm hearing this! You're not seriously going to sit there... AND WATCH ME HAVE SEX WITH MY OWN WIFE!
Megumi Morisato: Watch you? Shit, bro, after twenty five fucking years, I'm livestreaming this shit. You've heard of "A Night in Paris"? Wait til everybody gets "A Night in Belldandy"...
Keiichi Morisato: BUT YOU'RE MY GODDAMN SISTER! THAT'S BORDERLINE VOYEURISTIC INCEST!
Megumi Morisato: Hey, hey, hey! Sly Megumi Incest Jokes are a time honored Oh My Goddess tradition. Besides, it's not like we've ever actually fucked each other.
Otaki: I don't know, it sounds like you're getting there.
Megumi Morisato: Bitch, please. I'd double team you and Tamiya long before I'd touch that scuzzy brother of mine.
Megumi Morisato: Sit your fucking asses down! I meant that hypothetically!
Hasagawa: Hey, I'll take them... I'll take them both at the same time...
Otaki: Eh, he he, you're not really our type.
Tamiya: I would crush you like a bug. My dick would split you in half.
Urd: Holy shit, that's fucked up. I may actually have that image burned into my mind. I may never unsee it again. Just an entire lifetime of Hasagawa getting gangfucked by the Autoclub... burned into the back of my brain!
Skuld: Uh... Hello? You know there may be children overhearing this conversation, don't you?
Urd: Just who the hell are you refering to? Yourself? You're not really a kid... Not by Human Adult Standards anyways...
Skuld: I keep trying to tell people that but nobody fucking believes me. I can't remember the last time I met a nice guy on the internet that wasn't immediately hauled off to jail and forced to register as a sex offender.
Urd: Look sweetie, I'm sorry. But when you look like a pre-teen and you're really older than most adults... well... they have a name for that...
Skuld: Don't you fucking dare say it, Urd! I swear to fucking God! Don't you fucking dare say it! I mean it, Urd!
Skuld: I AM NOT A MIDGET! FUCK YOU, YOU INDIAN CRACKWHORE!
Urd: Prove it. You've been coming to this bar for years now. All you have to do is order a Tequila, and if the bartender refuses your ID, then you're still a kid.
Otaki: Whoa, shades of Kirsten Dunst in Interview with the Vampire.
Skuld: I AM NOT A VAMPIRE!
Urd: You're old enough to be mistaken for one.
Keiichi Morisato: Settle down! Otaki didn't mean you were an actual vampire! I think what Otaki meant was you have the same problem as her. In the movie, Kirsten Dunst gets bitten and cursed with immortality, and then the movie jumps forward several decades, and she's still a child. But she has this adult mindset and she's really bitter about being forced to wear little girl clothes, and repeatedly getting children's dolls as presents every year.
Urd: Look, Dude! For the last fucking time! We're Goddesses! We not Vampires! We're not Aliens! There's no fucking Alien Invasion! AND YOU'RE NOT CHANGING THE SUBJECT AND WEASELING YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS! Let's get this intervention the fuck over with so we can settle this once and for all. PARTY AT MY PLACE, MOTHERFUCKERS! LET'S MOVE!
Skuld: It just hasn't been the same since Gan-chan died.
Urd: Yeah, I remember Gan-chan. That's funny, I seem to remember him talking more. This Mini-Goddesses video just looks like three tiny crazy people talking to a rat.
Megumi Morisato: That what it's looked like to us the whole time. Wait, did you just stuff that poor rat into a rocket? Oh my god! Oh my god! You blew him up! You sickos! How does he keep coming back? Is that the same rat?
Skuld: I repeatedly cloned him so we could fuck with his mind over and over again. Gan-chan was the gift that kept on giving.
Megumi Morisato: Dude! Can you make another one?
Skuld: Another Gan-chan? What are you going to do with him?
Megumi Morisato: What am I going to do with him? I'm gonna kill him? In bizarre and funny and satisfying ways! You said you could always make another one!
Skuld: Yeah, but our Gan-chan shenanigans were Ha Ha Funny, and your Gan-chan shenanigans sound Ha Ha Twisted.
Megumi Morisato: Oh Keiichi! Are you ready?
Keiichi Morisato: You cannot be serious! I'm a freaking adult! I don't need you people to supervise me with my own wife!
Belldandy: Oh, stop acting like a little bitch, Keiichi. If you're going to try and weasel your way out of this like a little bitch, then you're going to get fucked like one.
Keiichi Morisato: Excuse me?
Belldandy: I'm sorry, did I fucking stutter, bitch?
Keiichi Morisato: You didn't take on of Urd's crazy potions, did you?
Keiichi Morisato: Are you back on the coca cola?
Belldandy: No! But I'm past the point of 'Fuck It' anyways!
Kevin from the Other Dimension: Keiichi's iphone rings... Keiichi answers it...
Keiichi Morisato: Hello?
The Almighty: Keiichi. This is God. If you don't go through with this, I'm going to send you to the deepest darkest pits of hell, from which there will be no return.
Keiichi Morisato: Son of a bitch. God hung up on me.
Belldandy: Now shut up and fuck me, already!
Megumi Morisato: Yeah, shut up and fuck her Kay!
Keiichi Morisato: Megumi! Stop watching this!
Megumi Morisato: Hell no! I'm livestreaming this shit for future prosperity!
Belldandy: You know, I get the strange feeling there's an alternate dimension where people are going to be watching this in a movie theater.
Keiichi Morisato: Dude! Don't tell me that!
Belldandy: Well, gotta give them what they paid for.
Kevin from the Other Dimension: Belldandy takes her top off on camera, and proceeds to fuck the living daylights out of him.
Skuld: Okay, now I'm curious.
Urd: Oh no, you don't! Sit down!
Skuld: Okay... sheesh...
Kevin from the Other Dimension: Keiichi's iphone rings... Keiichi answers it...
Keiichi Morisato: What now?... Hello?
Male Voice on Phone: Shut up and fuck her Kay!
Keiichi Morisato: Who is this?
Male Voice on Phone: It's Fujishima.
Keiichi Morisato: KOSUKE FUJISHIMA? WHERE'S OUR RESIDUAL CHECKS, YOU COCKSUCKER!
Male Voice on Phone: Funimation spent it all on drugs and hookers!
Keiichi Morisato: SON OF A BITCH!
Belldandy: You're not going anywhere... no...
Keiichi Morisato: Wait, I forgot to wear protection.
Belldandy: Oh, don't worry, cause we're making a little Demi-God tonight.
Keiichi Morisato: Don't you think it's a little too soon to have children given our financial crisis?
Belldandy: I WANT A DEMI-GOD! NOW YOU GIVE IT!
Kevin from the Other Dimension: After a brief moment of sex noises, there's a big explosion of light pouring out of the room.
Titles: KEIICHI SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS! Keiichi Morisato suffers a MASSIVE CARDIAC ARREST mid-sex session and has to be revived. Yes, you read that right... BELLDANDY ACCIDENTALLY FUCKED HIM SO HARD, HE SUFFERED A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK!
Urd: It's as if the Judgment Gate actually existed for this very reason. I mean, I know we're good, but we're not that good... We're not fatal... Right?... Right?... Right?
Titles: TO BE CONTINUED...