Snore Horse That's it. Steven Spielberg needs to stop making movies RIGHT NOW before we all forget how ET and Jaws and Close Encounters shaped a generation of young film fans in a GOOD way.
War Horse is the most tired, clichéd, derivative, predictable, laughable, emotionally-empty piece of film-making I have seen in a very very long time.
It's National Velvet without the great script but with a Grand National that lasts for four years; it's Gone With the Wind without Scarlett O'Hara or Rhett Butler; it's Driving Miss Daisy without the gritty realism.
Like poor George Lucas, Steven Spielberg is apparently too famous now for anyone he works with to him to tell him when he's wasting money on set pieces and scenery, instead of spending it on character development and emotional truth.
I don't object to a bit of emotional manipulation and certainly expected to have my tear-ducts mined. Things started well when I found that during a very short hiatus from my nearest cinema, ticket prices had gone up to almost £9. Lucky I'd taken plenty of tissues, in anticipation of a marvellous cry. I got one out as soon as the film started, just to be on the safe side. But it stayed dry. I didn't even snivel.
And the reason was that I felt utterly detached from the story and the characters. Of course, Spielberg plucks furiously at every heart-string like an irritating toddler on a forbidden guitar. The result is a tuneless cacophony of increasingly desperate appeals for emotion, which only made me dig in my mulish heels.
The horses were outstanding, and horses normally guarantee a good old weep from me just for being so Ahhhh, let alone being injured, maltreated and gunned down. But I was so annoyed by the film that I couldn't even shed a decent tear! What a swizz.
I know this is from a children's book, and that explains a lot of the dull, episodic nature of the film, but it is the filmmaker's job to ADAPT a book for screen to hopefully stay true to the heart and the spirit of the story, rather than be a slave to every word. War Horse is so literal that we (and Joey the horse) are whisked from owner to owner, for no other apparent reason than to show that some Germans like horses, and so do little girls. Each episode is so brief and/or so badly written that we have hardly established characterization before Joey is off to another new home. Situations that should be heart-rending are instead predictable and trite. While I'm opposed on principle to animals talking in movies, I think this may have been a film that could have worked better with a horsey voice-over, or even with a thorough rewrite, even if it was at the risk of alienating those who loved the book.
The film is very miscast and the characters are clichés, while the situations are totally unbelievable. From the strapping, straight-toothed Dartmoor farm boy and his drunken father and his hardworking mother and their evil, rich laughing landlord etc etc etc, to training a young horse in five minutes to do what would actually take weeks, if not months. The film lost credibility hand over fist, culminating in a glaring anachronism of a dirt-poor farmer drinking from a jolly market-stall mug with cows on it.
Like all his movies from Schindler's List onwards, Spielberg simply can't end a movie any more. Either he rambles on for half an hour past the perfect end-point, or he tries so hard to squeeze emotion out of his audience that things come full circle and become simply ridiculous. I won't spoil the ending because Steven Spoilberg has already done it for us. Suffice to say, I laughed out loud.
HOWEVER There are two AMAZING scenes in War Horse - in a field of tall grass and of Joey running across Nomansland - both totally original reminders of how great Spielberg used to be. I give the movie a star for each of those and NOT A TWINKLE MORE!