CineRam

Only one man can take on the challenge of stopping a band of ruthless criminals who have taken hostages (well, one) at a Denver college campus. That man is...an English professor?!? Made by a small crew and a very game cast, "To Die is Hard" trots out every cliché of the genre and then amps each one to the Nth degree. The supportive cop in cell phone-contact with the lone hero? He spends his time dancing and eating cookies. The criminal mastermind? Wears glasses, goes by the name of Anton and forces info from an innocent woman by speaking in a monotone. The gang of thugs? So evil they don't notice the shirtless stud of a teacher stalking them from some very obvious hiding places. The loving wife and daughter? Spending the day daydreaming about our hero and his sexual charisma--YES, BOTH OF THEM. Many laughs to be had, not to mention great camera-work, inspired performances, funny songs and slapping. Lots of slapping.

ACTUALLY, IT DEFINITELY CONTAINS SPOILERS: I'm totally with Greensider. This is no wacky, lighthearted romp like H&K or "Dude, Where's My Car?" I assure you, this is an anti-pot movie, one that is way more insidious than "Requiem for a Dream" or other, more obviously serious-minded message films. Do not be fooled by the marketing. Anna Faris' character is the worst kind of stoner: Selfish, thoughtless and irresponsible. Even before she greedily devours an entire plate of her roommates' cupcakes, she has been doing nothing but successfully lighting her bong for what seems like months. Throughout her "misadventures", we get tidbits of info on just how Jane wound up in this mess--by spending recklessly, borrowing money with no intention of repaying, continuously IOUing her dealer, failing to pay important bills, and basically sitting around her apartment for weeks on end. As a responsible stoner might say: Not cool. During the first half of the movie, Jane loses/destroys so much mary jane that it seems impossible that she could ever repair the damage to all the people she's screwed over. MAJOR SPOILER WARNING: She doesn't. Not only does she completely fail to remedy the situation, she also manages to ruin an extremely valuable (and, no doubt, irreplaceable) historical artifact. The film's conclusion depicts her performing community service in a state suggesting the cannabis cupcakes have still not left her system (either that, or she's actually brain damaged at this point). Added to which, the movie's portrayal of stoned behavior recycles all the usual clichés; some true, some untrue. Anna Faris is someone I normally like, but this script did her no favors. I'm mostly angry because of how misleading the DVD cover design and copy are. Yes, it's played for laughs, but that doesn't mean it's funny--it's simply depressing.

This film was shown at the Cannes film festival nearly a decade ago and apparently received more walkouts than any film in the festival's history--and "Wild at Heart" won the grand prize here?

Unlike most films that use sex and violence to help sell them, Greenaway seems to have no interest in "selling". The story he tells--which takes the form of a play attended by royalty and commonfolk alike--is a Shakespearian fable regarding a young woman (Julia Ormond) who uses her disfigured mother's newborn as a messiah-like figure to gain wealth and comfort, much to the dismay of the church (repped by Ralph Fiennes).

To say that the writer/director of this film is a sick person because of what happens in the story is shortsighted, at best. Yes, there are truly heinous atrocities committed by some of these characters--but the manner in which it is depicted does nothing to suggest glamour or vicarious thrills. David Lynch's Golden Palm winner, on the other hand, is full of all manner of freaks and malicious acts played mostly for laughs. Greenaway definitely got the soiled end of the stick on this one.

It's a shame, too. This film recently played for just a few nights in one of Chicago's most prominent art theaters. It's never received anything remotely close to a nationwide theatrical or video release, and it's my favorite Greenaway film, second only to "The Cook, the Thief...". If one is interested in this sort of experience and has a fairly strong stomach, I'd recommend a theatrical screening in a minute.